What an absolute dog turd of a weekend. We lost at Old Trafford. Chelsea won. Spurs won. Arsenal won. Everton won. City won too, although no-one is even arsed about that anymore as it effects absolutely nobody other than themselves and whoever holds the record for the highest points total (Chelsea isn’t it?). The only crumb of enjoyment came from the crazy shit going on at West Ham, but I’ll to that shortly.
It was just a miserable few days, starting for me on Friday when my daughter’s school team were denied the chance to play at Anfield by an abomination of a ref who made Craig Pawson look like Pierluigi Collina. They’d cruised through the qualifying rounds and needed to finish in the top two of a seven team tournament to go through to the final, which would be played next month on the hallowed turf in front of the Kop.
Going into the last game they’d won three and drawn two and needed a win to go through. It was 2-2 with a few seconds left and one of the girls went clean through but shot straight at the keeper. The rebound fell to one of her team-mates but before she could put it in the net the ref does a Clive Thomas and blew for full time. What a twat.
They ended up finishing third and missed out on an Anfield appearance by one point, even though nobody has beaten them all season. The poor girls were gutted but you know what kids are like, a McDonalds was enough of cheer most of them up. If only it were that easy for me. I’m still moping around almost a week later, thinking about what might have been. I still feel cheated, not least because I was 90% sure the team that pipped them to second place had a lad playing for them. The problem is you can’t exactly go complaining about that in case it is in fact just an ugly girl with a boy’s haircut. No-one wants to be that guy, but not gonna lie, I seriously considered it.
Anyway, to get back on track. I wonder how much funnier things can things get at West Ham between now and the end of the season. Things have escalated pretty quickly haven’t they?
There’s stuff going on that I don’t really know enough about to go into in any great detail, but from what I can gather you’ve got a situation where one group of fans want to have protest marches and another group is threatening them and warning them off. The group issuing the threats are former ICF loons apparently.
It went off big time against Burnley. Fans were running on the pitch and being hurled around by good old salt of the earth East End Boy Mark Noble, who loves his mum and the queen, gawd bless ‘im.
Funny thing was, at the start of the game the MOTD commentator said “there’s nothing wrong with the atmosphere here at the London Stadium, as the fans are doing their bit to lift their team in a hugely important game”. Hahaha fucking hell, talk about commentator’s curse!
There was a really funny moment when Antonio attempted a cross and smashed it straight into the bollocks of Lowton, whose “aaaaaaarrrgggghhhhhhh” was picked up loud and clear by the pitch side microphones. Nothing worse than that as any fella will tell you. Childbirth? Nah, try taking a footy in the nuts from close range.
I’ve probably told this story before, but I’ll tell it again anyway as some of you won’t have read it and if those who have have a memory anything like mine you’ll have forgotten it anyway.
So I was about 14 or 15 and playing in a game on a Sunday morning. My team were probably losing pretty heavily as we were pretty shit, but I was chasing a through ball and as often tended to happen, the defender got there before me. He slid in and tried to hook the ball away but I got a block on it and it bounced up and hit me in the nuts, sending me clean through on goal.
Thing is, as anyone who has experienced this knows, the pain isn’t immediate. So I’m now running towards goal and I’m thinking “did that hit me in the nuts? I’m sure that hit me in the nuts but I might have got away with it you know” so I carried on running. A second or two later the pain suddenly kicks in and I crumple to the floor like I’ve been taken out by a sniper, much to the amusement of everyone on the pitch, including my own team-mates, the fucking losers. No wonder we used to get beat every week.
Anyway, fair play to Lowton who didn’t collapse in a heap and gingerly made his way back into the box to defend the corner.
Ashley Barnes eventually broke the deadlock with a thumping finish from 18 yards. Great strike, he’s the best shit player in the league I reckon. I mean you’d never say “good player that Ashley Barnes”, but he kind of is, in his own way.
That was the signal for fans to start running on the pitch and West Ham’s players fell to pieces after that. Wood added another and then it really went off as fans tried to storm the directors box and another fella was running round the field waving the corner flag over his head. Wood added a third after the recalled Joe Hart fumbled a routine shot into his path. Back to the bench for you Joe.
Tell you what was funny as fuck. The directors box was cleared for the safety of those in there (specifically the odious pair of twats who own the club). Everyone was escorted out of there except one man, Trevor Brooking, who sat right where he was, knowing that no-one is going to attack him as he’s Mr West Ham.
Nice way to mark the 25th Anniversary of Bobby Moore’s death.
It’s all well and good condemning West Ham fans for their behaviour but I’m good with it. They feel the owners are killing their club and they aren’t standing for it. Question their methods if you like, but they aren’t just sitting back and letting Sullivan and Gold ram dildos up them, they’re standing up to it so good for them I say.
As for the football side of it, you know how there are just some players who you look at and think “what’s the point of him, what does he do?”. Top of that list for me at the moment is Joao Mario from West Ham. What an absolutely pointless bastard he is. Never does anything. Doesn’t score, doesn’t create, he’s just out there, running around with his big old wage slip around his neck.
Hammers fans probably thought “aye, aye, a Portuguese international on loan from Inter, I’ll have some of that”. And then they see him play and realise he’s just the latest in a long line of fucking horrific players to have worn the claret and blue.
As Moyes continues to get sucked into the relegation mire, his old Merseyside sparring partner Rafa was getting his mate Pellegrino the sack as Newcastle turned Southampton over at St James’. With friends like that who needs enemies, eh?
It was the final straw for Southampton who finally decided that Pellegrino was not going to be able to get them out of this (pretty sure they are right too) and they turned to Mark Hughes. That ‘bum manager merry ground’ is still in full swing this season isn’t it?
To be fair to Hughes, I suspect he’s a bit better than most of that motley crew and Southampton have got enough good players that they should be able to get out of the mess they’re in, so let’s see what ‘Useless’ is made of. The irony is he might well find himself in a straight fight to stay in the league with his old club Stoke. Not sure who I’d back at the moment as they both stink. I’d prefer Southampton survived as there’s not much point in having a feeder club in the Championship.
It was a huge result for Newcastle though and their home form might just be enough to get them out of it. Kennedy scored after just 70 seconds and then added a second after a brilliant counter attack. Two lovely goals they were, and Matt Ritchie added a nice third. He was boss when he was at Bournemouth, I really liked him (he may have even had ‘my boy’ status, I can’t remember). He used to score regularly and always looked lively, but he seems to have done fuck all this season. Wingers never were Rafa’s strong suit though.
Newcastle wanted it more and were just too aggressive, strong and quick for Southampton, who were just so, so bad and you can see why the board decided that enough was enough. There was just no fight in them at all, they looked broken. So did Pellegrino is his interview afterwards.
You know who’s really fucking bad? That bum they bought from Monaco in January. They spent a fortune on him and he just looks like he can’t be arsed. Absolute shithouse he is. Charlie Austin getting injured has really screwed Southampton, although my boy Gabbiadini is still there and not playing him is a sackable offence on its own, so I’ve got little sympathy for the Long Pork Sausage.
Staying with this game for a second, just what the fuck is Dwight Gayle doing with his hair? As if he doesn’t look ridiculous enough with that face, he’s now wearing a hairband when he doesn’t need to.
As you know, few things anger me more than egregious use of headbands. If you want to get away with wearing a hairband then grow your fucking hair like the rest of us. Fucking wannabe losers. You’ve got serial offenders like Fabregas and Janmaat, while Torres also did it a few times. Gayle is taking massive liberties as he needs a hairband about as much as Shelvey does.
Moving on, and West Brom took the lead at home to Leicester as Rondon turned in a cross from Burke. Schmeichel then made a stunning save to tip a shot from Krychowiak onto the bar and that was as good as it got for the poor old Baggies, who folded like a cheap suit and lost 4-1.
Leicester’s equaliser was a thing of beauty and it was as Leicester as it gets - Mahrez with a precise ball over the top and Vardy with a stunning first time volley into the far corner. Goal of the month that one, just brilliant technique, on his weaker foot too.
Vardy fucking hates West Brom fans doesn’t he? He was giving it the beans to them after his goal, and I remember him doing the same last year too. The funny thing is when you look at the group of fans he was shouting at, no-one was even giving him any shit, it was completely unprovoked. There was a kid looking disappointed, a couple of fellas laughing and everyone else was looking at him like “so you’ve scored against the worst team in the league, big fucking wow”.
Mahrez then got in on the act with a nice finish of his own and Iheanacho and Iborra added a couple of late headed goals. Iheanacho can credit me with the assist there after what I said about him last week.
Chelsea deservedly beat Palace although they were hanging on a bit at the end. Willian’s deflected shot gave them the lead but Hennessey really should have kept it out. He’s shite him, but the alternative is that Julian Speroni loser so the Hodge is caught between a rock and hard place there. Kelly’s unfortunate own goal doubled Chelsea’s lead and they had enough chances to have scored six or seven.
They didn’t take them though and Palace slowly began to get into it. Sorloth hit the post and had a goal wrongly disallowed, before Van Aanholt slotted one through the legs of Courtois to set up a grandstand finish. Chelsea held on but Palace should start to pick up again now that my boy Wilf is back from injury. The biggest surprise of the season for me is that Sorloth actually looks decent. I was convinced he’d be a big cart horse but he’s alright from what I’ve seen. He’s outplaying Benteke anyway, not that that is too difficult this season.
The Blues picked up a much needed win at home to Brighton and that’s almost certainly enough to keep them up now, the shit bastards. Bong volleyed past his own keeper at the far post to put Everton ahead and Tosun smashed in a late goal to make it safe.
Knockhaert was sent off late on for a two footed lunge at Bilbo Baines. He was pissed off after Baines had kicked the ball in his face (it looked accidental) and the fans were all laughing at him, and he clearly thought “fuck this, you Evertonian pricks” and just launched himself. It was an ugly challenge but who among us hasn’t wanted to two foot an Evertonian at some point in their life? Knockhaert lived the dream so fair play to him.
Just a shame it was Baines on the receiving end as he’s one of the more tolerable Blues. He should have one for that Calvert-Lewin cunt instead, who once again pulled his trademark ‘jump into a defender and fall down’ routine to win a late penalty that Rooney missed. I fucking hate Calvert-Lewin, the cheating little shitbag. I hate his eyebrows almost as much as I hate his cheating.
Finally on Saturday, Swansea somehow managed to get a point in one of the most one sided games of the season. Swansea’s cause wasn’t helped when Jordan Ayew was sent off rather harshly early on. Actually it wasn’t THAT harsh, it was a studs up lunge that caught Hogg’s knee, but the Huddersfield man also followed through and stamped on Ayew’s leg. Probably both should have gone. I’ve only seen Hogg play a few times but he’s a right dirty bastard.
Huddersfield absolutely murdered the ten men after that but just couldn’t score. It was crazy. They had 81% possession, 12 corners (to Swnasea’s 0) and had 52 crosses (Swansea had one!!). Swansea didn’t even have a shot (on or off target), while Huddersfield mustered 30. The closest they came was a blistering volley from Mounie that almost broke the bar, while Ince hit the post with a late header.
A point each isn’t actually that bad for either, although obviously Swansea will feel much happier about it than Kloppo’s mate will.
Onto Sunday and Arsenal got some revenge on Watford and it was a day to forget for my boy, Motormouth Troy. He’d gone on BT Sport and absolutely laid into Arsenal earlier in the season after Watford beat them. Calling them soft and saying they had ‘no cajones’. He missed a pen and Arsenal’s players and fans wasted no time in letting him have some back. Bellerin had a little pop on Twitter, but nothing comes close to this savaging that Club Shop Ty gave him.
He’s great, Ty. His team is a dumpster fire but all it takes is one win for him to get all chesty again. It's nice seeing him happy and not having to defend his boy Arsene to all his hater mates. Seeing Ty smile is almost enough to make me not mind Arsenal winning. Almost.
Spurs had a good win at Bournemouth but it came at a cost as Kane did his ankle and is set to miss a good few weeks. Any suggestion that they might fall off a cliff because of that is probably wishful thinking, as they were 1-0 down in this game when he went off and they won 4-1 anyway.
Bournemouth absolutely tore in Spurs in the opening minutes and deservedly led through Stanislas, who had earlier hit the bar. They couldn’t keep it up though and soon ran out of gas. Alli equalised just before half time and Spurs ran away with it in the second half. Son bagged a brace, the first coming from a terrible mis-kick and his second was a breakaway which ended when he dribbled round the keeper and finished. He’s done that a few times now, feigning to shoot and then going past the keeper onto his left side. Begovic didn’t do his homework, obviously.
Aurier added a fourth and then celebrated with a stupid handshake with Son. Everyone is up Son’s arse these days but I’m sick of the prick and his goals and his handshakes and his hanging around with diving shithouses and playing for a gobshite manager with man tits. You used to be cool, but fuck you, Son.
Finally, City won 2-0 at Stoke with David Silva getting both goals. Didn’t watch it, haven’t seen the goals, couldn’t really care less.
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