There was a mouse on the pitch at Old Trafford as United lost to Southampton. No, that’s not a joke, there was an actual mouse running about on the pitch. Lucky it wasn’t at Goodison as I don’t think Lonsdale make slip ons that small.
Anyway, Louis Van Gaal has apparently offered to quit twice since that game, which is a bit odd considering it was only a week ago he was boasting about how they can still win the title. He’s defo just trolling now.
United haven’t scored in the first half for eleven consecutive home games now. That’s an incredible stat, you wouldn’t actually think it was even possible to play for that long without a goal. They’ve had less shots at home than any side in all four divisions, which is some going considering how much that team cost. Van Gaal is fucking ace.
Last week I wrote:
“Remember a couple of years ago when Charlie Austin was my boy? I’m not sure he still is because he may have gone shit now for all I know. We’ll find out soon enough”
Sooner than I thought. It took him just ten minutes to score the winner at Old Trafford after coming off the bench. So yeah, safe to say he’s still my boy.
The full time whistle was greeted with the loudest boos I’ve heard in a long time. It was great seeing the fury in their horrible manc faces too. They’re somehow still 5th in the table, which is just about the most false position I’ve seen since…. well since they finished 4th last year. They’re shite, and although I’ve said that before, this time it’s not wishful thinking it’s actually there for the whole world to see. Van Gaal is the fucking man isn’t he?
Anyway, moving on. Sunderland have shown big Seba the door this week, just six months after buying him from us. In his time at Sunderland he had zero red cards, one own goal and one penalty conceded. That’s one afternoon’s work for a Brown, O’Shea or Kaboul. Even the the new lad got off to a flyer with an oggy and pen conceded at Spurs last week, so Coates stood out like a United goal at Old Trafford.
The Mackems drew 1-1 at home with Bournemouth. They were trailing early so it’s not a bad point, but you have to think that’s the kind of game they’re going to need to be taking maximum points from if they’re going to say up. Good for Bournemouth though, as they maintained the six point gap between them and the Mackems.
Villa and West Brom played out a dire goalless draw at the Hawthorns. Villa were the better side but zzzzzzzz.
Watford beat Newcastle 2-1 to keep the Geordies rooted in the bottom three. I mentioned last week that I was surprised Swansea got rid of Shelvey, but maybe this is why:
Fucking hell, that’s like watching me that, only without the great hair. Or any hair, actually.
Spurs got back on track after their home defeat by Leicester as they went and won 3-1 at Palace. They came from behind to do it too. Vertonghen’s own goal had given Palace a half time advantage but Kane equalised. Palace were all over them for a while after that but just couldn’t score, they hit the woodwork twice and missed other chances before Deli Alli’s brilliant goal turned the game. He hit the bar with another good effort before Chadli wrapped it up with a corker from 20 yards.
Tim Sherwood’s analysis on MOTD was great though, highlighting how great Spurs defending was by picking out an example of Palace peppering the Spurs goal and hitting the woodwork twice in five seconds. “Look at Lloris bouncing about”. Errrr yeah, he’s bouncing about being beaten by shots and saved by his crossbar! “Look at them throwing themselves in front of shots” yeah and not getting anything in the way of them! Don’t ever change Tim, don’t ever change.
All the talk afterwards was of Alli’s brilliant goal. I could say something snide about our ‘transfer committee’ at this point, but why bother? It’s what we’re all thinking every time the kid does something good and it’s always going to be the case. They’re never going to live that one down, and nor should they, the phoneys.
Vertonghen went off with a knee injury that he picked up while falling over after being elbowed in the face by Wickham. He’s a bit of a shithouse him who loves a dive, I remember him getting Torres sent off a few years back with some bad playacting, but this one was pretty nasty and Wickham is getting a three game ban for it and a hefty fine from Pardew, which is a bit rich after some of the stunts he’s pulled. Do as I say, not as I do. He’ll be pulling players up for shagging around next.
On the subject of Wickham, and you'll love this as it's fucking great, I noticed on his wiki page that his full name is Connor Neil Ralph Wickham. Ralph Wickham!!! Hahaha I wonder if his team-mates know? God I hope so. I like to think he gets greeted every day with a different Ralph Wiggum quote. "I bent my wookie" "You choo choo choose me" "Me fail English? That's unpossible" etc
Palace are in freefall now and have signed Adebayor to help halt the slide. Yeah, good luck with that. Still, he has to be a massive improvement on the list of slapdicks they’ve had leading the line for them this season. Wickham, Fraizer Campbell, Marouanne Chamakh… I’m sure I’ve forgotten some other turd as well…. *checks wiki* Yeah, Dwight fucking Gayle. If Pardew’s eye for a centre forward was as good as his eye for the ladies they’d be doing a Leicester I reckon.
Speaking of which, how about Leicester eh? Just when everyone thought they’d fall away they’ve come storming back with some great wins. They saw off Stoke very comfortably and Vardy was back on the scoresheet, which sets them up nicely for the rest of the season. We go there next week and I expect it will be a much tougher game than they gave us at Anfield. Hopefully we can win that and then Leicester win every game they have between now and May.
Yaya Toure was in full on “I’m too old for this sheeiit” mode at West Ham, just letting people run past him and not bothering to chase back. Remember when Didi Hamann got ridiculed for saying Yaya was a liability? He was ahead of his time as he’s spot on. As a number 10 he’s brilliant, as a centre midfielder he’s fucking terrible. He makes Shelvey look like Mascherano.
Enner Valencia took advantage of Yaya’s “can’t be arsed” approach to fire West Ham in front, but Aguero won and converted a pen soon after. Hart made an incredible save to keep out Payet’s free-kick but Valencia bagged his second of the game when he got in behind Otamendi far too easily. He’s shite him isn’t he? He’s actually worse than Mangala.
Aguero once again came to City’s rescue with a late equaliser, but West Ham almost won it with the last touch of the game when Kouyate headed against the bar. Payet is fucking brilliant, he’d get in any team in the league, including City.
The biggest game of the weekend came on Sunday when Arsenal had the chance to go back to the top of the table as they played host to Chelsea. Within 23 minutes they’d had a man sent off and were a goal down. Just about as Arenal as it gets that. Massive shithouses, they don’t deserve to ever win the title and hopefully there’ll be someone stopping them from doing it this year. I don’t care who, ideally it would be Leicester, I could even live with Spurs doing it and if it comes down to it, hell I’d take City over them too.
Diego Costa was once again the centre of attention after his blatant dive got Mertesacker sent off. He’s such a massive cunt that he spurned the opportunity of a one on one with the keeper and opted to just take a dive and get an opponent sent off instead. You’ve almost got to admire that kind of single minded dedication to being the bad guy. Just an absolute villain.
They say cheats never prosper but that’s just loser talk. Cheats prosper all the time, as demonstrated by Costa who scored the winning goal a couple of minutes after his dastardly deed. And they might be having a bad time of it this year, but Chelsea have prospered just fine despite being the biggest cheats in Europe, both on and off the field.
It looks like they’re selling Ramires to some Chinese club now. Ramires is 28 and in the prime of his career, yet he’s going to fucking China??? For £20m???? I don’t even know where to start with this, they’re just blatantly taking the piss with these transfer fees they’re allegedly receiving. Have they ever sold a player for a loss? Dodgy twats.
And what the fuck is Ramires doing pissing his career away by moving to China? How did Chelsea get him to accept that deal, did Abramovich have one of his goons kidnap Ramires’ family or something? It stinks, and if Chelsea weren’t floating around like a turd in mid-table I’d be a lot more pissed off about this than I actually am.
Speaking of pissed off, it’s not a good time to be an Evertonian is it? Their best team (on paper) since they last won the title sit five places and five points behind what might be our worst ever team in that period. They lost at home to Swansea on Sunday, in no small part due to another mistake by “Money can’t buy yer” Stones, who put the hapless Howard in trouble and caused him to concede a penalty. Fat Crab Barry forced an equaliser with a flick that deflected in off a defender, but Ayew won it for the Swans with a deflected strike of his own.
It’s been shitty week all round for the the Blues as they got screwed out of a Wembley date with us because of that crucial equalising goal for City that should never have counted. That prompted lots of whining from fans and manager alike about how the “big clubs” always get preferential treatment. Oddly enough, they weren’t saying that 24 hours earlier when Stoke’s blatantly offside goal almost sent us crashing out. No, they were celebrating that goal like it was one of their own, which makes it all the more laughable how some of them were fuming with us for not wanting an all Merseyside final.
This defeat was a little payback for them taking it up trap two from City when we were going for the title. Remember that game, when they were passing it round in their own half in the closing stages even though they were losing? Naismith and Barkley were the only two who even looked like they were trying that afternoon. When Lukaku scored there wasn’t even a cheer, half the stadium were fuming and the other half were apathetic at best.
The cunts even played ‘the Masterplan’ by Oasis over the tannoy at half time before they went out and threw the game in the second half. How’s yer ‘Masterplan’ working out for you now, knobheads? At full time that day they were made up because they’d screwed us over and helped City win the title. Oh how they laughed. Not laughing now though are they? What goes around comes around, you bitter bastards.
It was another bad day at the office for “God’s gift to defending” who was at fault for City’s go ahead goal and was then subbed immediately afterwards. I said in the summer they should have taken the money as he wasn’t worth it. Look at it this way, say they’d sold him and replaced him with Scott Dann or Ashley Williams or someone of that ilk, would they have been any worse off? Not a chance. And they could have used the rest of the cash to sign a couple more top quality players further forward, or a keeper to replace the hapless Howard.
But no, they wanted to get in a dick measuring contest with Chelsea and were all full of themselves that “money can’t buy yer Stones”. Bet if they could do that all over again they’d snatch Mourinho’s grubby little hand off. They’ll do well to get that kind of offer again the way he’s played since. Maybe that’s his ‘Masterplan’?
Sterling was asked afterwards if he’d be exchanging texts with his old team-mates before the final. His sheepish response absolutely reeked of “no, they all think I’m a knob and haven’t kept in touch with me”. It was also amusing when he said “we’re in the final, this is what I came here for”. Yeah that argument would carry a lot more weight if we weren’t there too, yer daft bastard.
Bobby Brown Shoes is defo on borrowed time as the fans have turned on him big time now. Everton are basically just Wigan with better players, they can’t stop leaking goals even though they’ve got some good players back there.
“My philosophy and my way of working is not to keep clean sheets” said Martinez this week. The first words that came to mind when I read that were “no shit Sherlock” but on further reflection I’d say “A round of applause for that man”, as such honesty is rare in football these days. It got me thinking though, imagine if we could inject other managers with truth serum and ask them to finish this sentence:
“My philosophy and my way of working is….”
See if you put the right names to the following (note: not all of these are currently in jobs):
“…to talk about my philosophy and way of working as much as possible, making myself sound more sophisticated than the rest of these British coaches.”
“…to look my best at all times. You never know what lovely ladies might be watching”
“…to be as big an obnoxious, arrogant cunt as humanly possible”
“… to shoehorn six centre haves into my team, play for set-pieces and ensure any game I’m involved in is devoid of any kind of entertainment”
“…fan-facking-tastic”
“…boss! Ha ha ha ha!”
“…far too complex for your tiny minds to comprehend and much better than any of these foreign bastards coming over here taking our jobs”
“…none of your businessh, fatso”
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