Tell you what, it’s a good job we won this weekend as every other result went against us. I thought we may have made up ground on at least two or three of the sides above us but the only one we closed the gap on is City, and that’s probably not really going to make a difference unless they continue to play as badly as they did against Arsenal. I’ll get to that in due course, but let’s kick things off with Saturday’s games.
Last week it was Ings v Austin in the “Battle of my boys”. This week Ings went head to head with Puncheon in “Battle of my boys II” as Palace travelled up North to Turf Moor. Predictably, just like last week, both scored. That’s why they’re my boys, you see.
Ben Mee’s back post header from a corner gave Burnley the lead and Ings coolly slotted his 7th of the season to make it 2-0 after just 16 minutes. That was as good as it got for the Clarets who fell apart and ended up with no points from a game they’ll have pencilled in for a valuable home win. Had Pards not rode into Selhurst on his white horse they probably would have won, but he’s breathed new life into Palace and has three straight wins. He’s like a smoother, dapper Tony Pulis isn’t he? If Tony Pulis is Red Adair then Pardew is Sir Lancelot.
Dwight Gayle’s 9th of the season (he might rival Stephen Naismith’s for “best shit player” in the Premier League) brought Palace back into it and shortly after half time my boy JP scored a brilliant equaliser, rifling in from 25 yards with his weaker foot. He then provided the “knockout Punch” (see what I did there?) when he teed up Gayle for the winner two minutes from time.
Pardew’s the fucking man though isn’t he? Imagine how pleased with himself he’s feeling right now. This is a fella who loves the stink of his own farts even when he’s on a ten game losing streak, he must be strutting into training every morning like Ric Flair at the moment. It’s only a matter of time now before he dubs himself “the Nature Boy”.
George Boyd did an interview afterwards and it turns out he’s not even fucking Scottish!! He plays for Scotland though, presumably just on the basis of his Scottish sounding name. It really threw me though when I heard him with his softly spoken southern accent, as I always imagined him sounding like Rab C Nesbitt. I wasn’t prepared for it at all, it was like the first time I heard Shola Ameobi speak and he was all “waye aye man, we’ve gotta pick worselves up an gan doon tha toon”. The plot thickened when I heard his brother Sammy interviewed the other week. I was expecting some kind of Biker Grove voice like Big Shola, but he’s actually a reet posh bastard.
Anyway, next up is Swansea dropping their shorts, lubing up and bending over for Chelsea. “Chelsea always know they’re in a contest when they play Swansea City” said the MOTD commentator as the game kicked off. I blame him for what happened after that. Within 50 seconds Swansea were behind and it was 4-0 inside 35 minutes. Ridiculous, that’s Arsenal behaviour that.
Sigurdsson’s slack pass allowed Oscar to score in the opening minute and it went downhill fast from there. The Icelander almost made amends immediately with a stunning drive that hit the post. He’s never seen a shot he didn’t fancy that lad. Maybe things would have been different if it had gone in, but it didn’t and Swansea offered nothing at all after that.
The Elephant Man bagged a quick brace (shocking play by Fernandez gifted him his second) and then set up Oscar for his second. Willian hit the woodwork twice too and Swansea’s performance was truly disgusting. Bony leaving may have knocked all the fight out of them, for now at least.
Substitute Schurrle wrapped it up in the second half. He’s been linked with a move back to Germany and Chelsea are asking £30m for him. This is how they’re getting around FFP, the dodgy twats. They’ll sell Schurrle and put it through the books as £30m even though there’s no way in hell that’s how much they’re getting for him. It was the same with De Bruyne and anyone who genuinely thinks they got £50m for Sideshow Bob is living in cloud cuckoo land. Horrible financial doping cunts.
Gary Monk apologised to Mourinho for ‘not giving them a game’. Yeah I’m sure Mourinho was proper pissed off at the lack of resistance they come up against. My respect for Gary Monk as a man….. just fucking plummeted.
As for Mourinho, well he’s talking to the press again now, unfortunately, but he’s still talking shite about refs. "So referees are not guilty, they want to do their best but clearly there are measures and there are ways of reacting and clearly with my club and in relation to myself there are different standards, it's as simple as that and you know that. They know when their game is perfect or bad, or when it goes well for them. I remember for example the game at Sunderland, because (the referee's) dressing room is next door to us. I remember clearly the referee was Kevin Friend and when he and the other officials, linesmen and so on arrived in the dressing room after the game they were hugging each other, like a winning team does because they felt 'top game for us', 'we've done very well.'"
Hmmm. I think he may have misinterpreted that. Friend is usually Chelsea's 12th man, hence me dubbing him Kevin “Jose's special" friend. You may remember that was the game when Friend failed to send Costa off when he tried to kick O’Shea in the face. The hugging and back slapping was probably just celebrating the result, not his own performance. "Good away point for us there today boys, not an easy place to come to this" etc
Hey guess what, Spurs won 2-1 again thanks to another late Eriksen winner. Grrrrr. It’s getting boring now, not to mention irritating. Jammy bastards. It was an eventful day for Jan Vertonghen. He gave Spurs the lead with a deflected shot, should have conceded a pen when he felled Defoe in the box (awful refereeing from Foy) and then he was booked for a stupid, needless foul on Defoe because he saw his arse over not getting an offside decision. Seb Larsson stepped up and buried the free-kick too. Both sides had chances but neither could take them until Eriksen side footed Spurs ahead with two minutes left. All his goals are the fucking same, low shots into the corner from 18 yards. Fuckin’ Spurs.
Even then, Danny Graham should have equalised but put his shot too close to Lloris who made a smart save. Then Vertonghen’s day got even weirder when Pantilimon came up for a corner, Spurs cleared and then broke up field and the big Belgian found the net. It was disallowed for offside even though he was five yards inside his own half when the ball was played. Inexcusably bad decision that, not just from the lino but also the ref, who should have over ruled him as he should have seen that all the Spurs players were in their own half when the ball was played. Just how shit are the officials these days? And where in the blue hell is Sian Massey???
The Mancs won at Loftus Road but needed De Gea to be at his best again. The United keeper made two fine stops to keep out my boy Charlie and also denied Isla in the last minute too when the game was still in the balance at 0-1. It was an even game for the most part but Screech eventually broke the deadlock on the hour mark and Wilson made it safe in stoppage time on the break.
Van Gaal continues to infuriate the United fans with his 3-5-2 system and they even took time out from singing about us to chant “442”. They did switch to a back four in the second half and looked slightly better for it, but Van Gaal strikes me as the type of fella who’ll dig his heels in just to piss everyone off. 3-5-2 may be there to stay. He also referred to QPR as Queens Park Raisins, which was ace.
The Raisins are in deep shit though. They don’t have a single point away from home and their remaining home games are mostly against decent sides so those home points will start to dry up now. At this point I’d probably make them favourites to go down, even if they are nowhere near the worst side on paper.
Elsewhere, Southampton won again, edging out Newcastle at St James Park. They did it without both of their centre midfielders too. Elia got both goals, the first should have been saved by Krul though. He’s a good keeper and Rodgers is a big fan of his from what I hear, but we’d have all been doing our nut if Mignolet let one in like that.
Newcastle’s equaliser from Gouffran was a total fluke as a clearance from Gardos hit him and flew into the net. His first goal for 13 months and you can see why. Newcastle were the better side but Elia bagged another against the run of play to win it for the Saints. Paul Dummett missed a sitter, the shit bastard, and Newcastle were robbed of a stonewall pen when Fonte handled right in front of the ref. Shocking again from the official. I don’t even know who this fella was to be able to name and shame him.
Leicester lost at home to Stoke in the kind of game they’ll probably look back on in May and say “that’s why we went down”. There wasn’t much in the game and they had chances to win, but came up short because they didn’t really give it enough of a go and played it too safe. Bojan got the only goal of the game and he’s doing enough to earn himself a move to a place more befitting of his talents and where he won’t have to play alongside Jon fucking Walters every week.
What was going on with MOTD on Saturday night though? Lineker and Gullit were all over the place. Never mind not being on the same page, these two weren’t even on the same book. In fact they weren’t even in the same fucking library. It was the punditry equivalent of the Rooney / Van Persie partnership.
Onto Sunday, and what are Man City playing at losing at home to Arsenal? Fucking useless bunch of mercenary turds. Arsenal never beat anybody decent away from home and we needed City to win this one. I’d circled this on the calendar as us gaining three points on the Gunners so this pissed me right off. Not just that. but City are doing their best to hand the title to Chelsea. I keep saying it, but it’s irritating the shit out of me that City couldn’t be this shit last season.
It looks like the penny may have finally dropped for Wenger though, who approached this game much more sensibly than usual and came up with the novel idea of playing a holding midfield player to protect his snail like central defence. They were disciplined, organised, dogged and professional. All qualities usually lacking when Arsenal visit any of the big boys. Presumably the Goon squad are “trusting in Arsene” again this week.
Cazorla was absolutely brilliant and he’s been in scintillating form lately. The only question is whether next season he’ll be lining up for City, United or Barcelona. He put them in front from the penalty spot after Kompany stupidly blocked Monreal (it was a bit of a dive but Kompany was asking for trouble) and then delivered the free-kick from which Giroud doubled their lead.
City were garbage and I don’t think Ospina even had to make a save. I hope he stays in the side just because his name is easier to spell than Szsie… Zszse.. Sches… the selfie loving Polish fella who got dropped for smoking in the showers.
The other game on Sunday went against us too, as West Ham beat Hull to send us back down to 8th. It’s pretty depressing really, we’ve been on a decent run lately but haven’t moved up at all. We’ve closed the gap on those above us but we’re still fucking 8th, and still behind West Ham.
They were struggling in this one too and if Hull had any decent forwards available they may have made more of a game of this. The longer it went the more the Hammers started to get on top and eventually big Andy prodded them ahead after the keeper fumbled a shot from Valencia. Amalfitano dinked a second and Downing (who was excellent again) made it 3-0 immediately after.
Finally, just what the hell is going on at Everton these days. How did it get so bad, so quick? They’re hovering just above the relegation zone with a really tough run of games coming up, their fans have completely turned on poor old “Bobby Martin”, Kevin Mirallas has gone rogue and for some reason the crowd are hammering Ross Barkley. Oh, and they’ve even dragged poor old Sly into the circus again.
As we’ve said so often over the years, if Everton didn’t exist we’d have to invent them just for our own amusement. They’re the gift that keeps on giving. They got well and truly Pulis’d on Monday night but they didn’t help themselves did they? Just what was Mirallas thinking, the selfish twat. Baines is a penalty specialist, you don’t go and take the ball off him as it’s stupid and asking trouble.
You know why Mirallas did what he did? Because he wants out, that’s why. By doing this he’s ensured the fans think he’s a twat and want him gone, that his manager thinks he’s a twat and wants him gone, and probably that most of his team-mates think he’s a twat and want him gone. All that good will he built up by trying to end the career of Suarez has all but gone now. Good job Kev, mission accomplished. He’ll be at Spurs in the summer, if not before.
The Barkley thing surprises me though. That kid is a massive talent but they seem completely oblivious to it and are giving him all kinds of shit. He’s a player who makes things happen and takes risks, but any time it doesn’t come off he’s getting it from the crowd so now he’s just playing it safe all the time. It shouldn’t bother me but it does, because he’s fucking wasted on those prehistoric, backward thinking fucking alehouse football loving oiks.
Remember how up their own arses they got last year when suddenly they found themselves playing proper passing football? All the smugness, suddenly looking down their nose at Moyes and their little chant about him “playing football the negative way”. Then they have a few dodgy performances to start this year and they’re all “get it in the fucking box” “stop fucking about with your tippy happy shit” “fuck off Barkley” etc That lad should be playing for us, but instead he’ll end up being sold to City, United or Chelsea and he’ll be ace. Stupid blueshite.
What of Stallone though, the poor bastard. He appeared on the big screen at half time with some requests for the home crowd as he was shooting for a new movie which is a spin off from Rocky (and sounds like a complete turkey by the way, perhaps even worse than Rocky V) and he needed some crowd noise. I’m not sure what kind of sound effects he wanted, but unless it’s booing or songs about ‘the redshite’ then he’s shit out of luck unfortunately.
Dave
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