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Premier League Round Up (Fen 11-13 2017)

What a difference a win makes, eh? I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was relishing writing this week’s round up, but recently I’ve looked forward to these things with all the enthusiasm of a man on bog cleaning duty at Fat Sam’s house after he’d been on a "pie and ale night" at his local. 
 
Us beating Spurs meant all the other results going against us didn’t ruin the weekend. Chelsea dropped points but at this stage that’s neither here nor there as unless they pull some sort of choking dog act then the occasional draw isn’t going to mean anything. Both manc teams winning and Arsenal picking up a spawny, Clattenberg assisted win over Hull would have been catastrophic for us if we hadn’t beaten Spurs, but we did beat Spurs so no harm done. 
 
I’ll kick things off at the foot of the table though with rock bottom Sunderland. Having won 4-0 at Palace last week, the Mackems completely killed any momentum they might have had by crashing 4-0 at home to Southampton. They must have really fancied their chances after doing so well at Selhurst Park but they were woeful and were lucky to get nil really. 
 
Southampton have been erratic as fuck lately and it’s almost impossible to predict their results these days. That Gabbiadini looks a useful player though. He got the first two goals but it’s not just that, he just looks like a player. His movement and balance and just the way he carries himself screams out “good player”. He’s only played two games but he’s already close to “my boy” status. 
 
His brace meant Southampton led at half time and they added another couple in the dying minutes of the game as Denayer put through his own net before Shane Long grabbed his customary goal off the bench. By the time those goals went in the stadium was almost empty and I can’t remember ever seeing so many empty seats at a Premier League game (not even at Villa). It looked like a ressies game by the end, and those who stayed booed vociferously. 
 
While I’m on the subject of Sunderland, I can’t believe I forgot to mention this last week but Jack Rodwell’s winless streak was finally broken when they beat Palace. The best thing about the streak was that Moyes actually admitted it was on his mind when he was picking his team and it made him think twice about picking Rodwell. He’s great Moyesy isn’t he? All those things that other managers might think but would never, ever admit to, he doesn’t give a fuck, he just says it, no matter how negative or morale sapping it might be. 
 
Last week’s win just looks like a complete fluke really, as there’s such a severe lack of talent at Sunderland that I can’t see any way they stay up. The only thing they have going for them is that they are in this situation every year and so far have always pulled it out of the fire. If they did it again, with this team and that manager, it would be a minor fucking miracle. 
 
A few weeks ago I’d have said the same about Hull, but that fella they hired who I’d never heard of (and still couldn’t tell you his name) has completely transformed them. He’s even got Markovic looking decent. They played really well at Arsenal but they got Clattenberged.
 
Sanchez opened the scoring with his hand. It wasn’t deliberate, but he put the ball in with his hand, so it shouldn’t have stood. That was more on the linesman than Clatts to be fair, but between them they should have seen it. 
 
Markovic was then taken out by Gibbs when he was clean through. It had to be a red card, but Clattenberg has been shit recently and he fucked that call right up. Blatant red card, not even a question about it. Hull were throwing everything at Arsenal and had them on the ropes but in the dying seconds Arsenal broke from a Hull corner, and Clucas ended up conceding a pen (Sanchez scored with one of the worst pens you’ll ever see) and getting a red card when the ball hit him on the arm as he got back to cover the goal-line. 
 
Again, I thought that decision was bullshit, especially in light of the Sanchez opening goal. His arm is by his side and he’s trying to get his body in front of the shot. How can he possibly avoid the ball hitting his arm? Fucking Clattenberg, he’s gone all Uriah Rennie on us now, believing his own hype. His performance in this game was abysmal but I bet he doesn’t get demoted like poor old Mike Dean did recently. 
 
* Update: Fucking hell, Clatts has quit the Premier League and is off to Saudi, effective immediately. His last game here was that stinker he had at the Emirates. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing though. I don’t particularly care that he’s going, but if this becomes a regular thing where our best officials are headhunted and leave for more money, it’s a scary thought as we’ll be left with a league full of Lee Masons, and no-one wants that. 
 
This Saudi thing intrigues me though and I’m sure you’re all thinking what I’m thinking here. I’m thinking we could send Kevin Friend over there and slip a couple of kilos of coke in his bag. Am I right? You were thinking that too, weren’t you? WEREN’T YOU??? No? Jeez, what a bunch of pussies. 
 
As for Arsenal, they may have won this game but they were fooling no-one and their chickens came home to roost when they lost 5-1 at Bayern in midweek. As much as I always love Arsenal losing, there’s a little part of my heart that bleeds for poor little ‘club shop Ty’ from Arsenal Fan TV. The others can all get to fuck, but I dunno, there’s something about little Ty that just makes me wanna put my arm around him and tell him everything will be ok. 
 
Moving on, and United won again but I’m back in see no evil hear no evil mode with them so fast forwarded them when they came on MOTD, the cunts. They actually went above us with that win over Watford but thankfully we put that right in the evening game. Whatever happens between now and May, and wherever we finish, the one thing I couldn’t take would be finishing below that Mourinho shitstain. 
 
Andy Carroll was missing through injury as West Ham drew 2-2 at home with West Brom. The only surprise was that it’s taken this long, as he’s played four or five games in a row now which must be close to a personal best. The real story of this game though was “Better Call Slav” completely losing his shit about Michael Oliver. 
 
Chadli put the Baggies in front inside the first five minutes. Bilic went nuts at Oliver who had failed to spot a clear foul in the build up. Hopefully he’s the next fucker to leave for Saudi, the Mr Bean looking, tramline headed twat. Bilic would no doubt help him pack after this, and he’d probably be well up for dropping a kilo of coke in there too, as he’s not soft like the rest of you pussies. 
 
Feghouli had a goal ruled out (which caused Slav to go nuts again, even though the decision was 100% correct) but then equalised with a rebound after “Blag Coutinho” had hit the bar with a piledriver. “Blag Coutinho” then looked to have won it with a left foot shot from 25 yards (I’ve never seen Phil do that, so maybe I should start calling him “Blag Lanzini”) but deep into stoppage time Johnny Evans headed in from (surprise surprise) a corner. 
 
West Ham’s players all appealed for a foul as it looked like James Collins was shoved out of the way to allow Evans to score, and predictably Bilic went mental, picking up one of those big furry microphone things and throwing it to the ground before he was sent to the stands. 
 
The interviewer said afterwards “What was it that agitated you the most today?” and he replied “Everything”. Hahaha I like Bilic, he didn’t really seem to have much of a case here in fairness but his touchline antics were dead funny and I besides, can’t stand Michael Oliver. 
 
Wee Joe scored his sixth of the season as Stoke edged out Palace to leave Fat Sam second from bottom. Could this be the year he finally gets relegated? God I hope so. Stoke were the better team and deserved the win, as Palace were dreadful once again. 
 
With Allen and Crouch in tandem and that Jon Walters twat nowhere to be seen, I quite like Stoke these days. I’m not even hating on “Useless” right now after his falling out with Pulis. Anyone who doesn’t want to shake the hand of Tony Pulis can’t be all bad, even if he did play for United, Chelsea and Everton. Actually I’m not even sure that Everton thing should even count, as it was back in the days when they’d sign any old fading star just to make themselves look relevant. See also Ginola and Gazza. 
 
Staying with the Blues, they were back to being last on MOTD again, as they should be. After last week’s goalfest against Bournemouth they were held to a 0-0 draw at Boro. Karanka’s side are football’s equivalent of constipation. That new kid Everton signed up front looks quite good though, but hopefully I’m wrong on that. 
 
I see the Blues have shamelessly nicked our Wijnaldum song for Morgan Schneiderlin, the sad little scrotes. We don’t care what the redshite say, unless it's catchy in which we'll just steal it for ourselves. 
 
Onto Sunday now, and Burnley’s impressive home form continued as they held Chelsea to a draw. Pedro put the leaders ahead but Robbie Brady’s terrific free-kick levelled soon after. Burnley had chances to win it and it’s gone under the radar a bit but Chelsea haven’t actually been that good recently. They still get results because they don’t give much away, but their attacking threat is mostly on the counter and maybe at long last teams are figuring them out a bit. They had 71% possession in this game but only looked dangerous on the break. 
 
The best part of this though was the look of complete and utter bemusement from Conte when he was asked about Joey Barton before the game. He had no clue who he was and had to ask his press officer. 
 
As a footnote to this game, Courtois showed what a humourless, unlikeable fuckwit he is by deleting a tweet from a week ago, when during the Super Bowl he tweeted “Brady on fire”. Obviously after the free kick people were retweeting it and having a bit of fun, but he deleted it because he’s an absolute cunt. Honestly, I can tell just by looking at him that he’s a piece of shit. Trust me, I’m rarely wrong about these things. Forget Diego Costa, Courtois is the most hateful bastard at Chelsea. Apart from the owner. And Eden Hazard. And John Terry. And Suggs. Other than them, he’s the worst. 
 
Moving swiftly on, and Leicester lost yet again as they were turned over by resurgent Swansea. Leicester just can’t score goals anymore, it’s quite remarkable really. Six games without scoring once. Of course we play them next, so…. 
 
There must have been some weird Fairy Godmother shit going on last year though, because the ball is over, they stayed out past midnight and now Mahrez and Vardy have turned back into pumpkins and Morgan and Huth are the Ugly Sisters again. They’re one point above the drop zone and if we beat them in a fortnight there’s every chance they’ll be in the bottom three, and if that happens they might never get out. 
 
Spare a thought for the Vardy lookalike though, as no-one cares about him anymore since Vardy returned to the obscurity he was in before. Actually don’t spare a thought for him, as he was a bad bell. Maybe Vardy has used some of his new found wealth to pay the lad and get him to turn out for a few games in his place this season, as we haven’t seen last season’s Vardy since he ran Man City ragged a couple of months ago. 
 
Paul Clement has worked wonders at Swansea so far. They resemble a mid table team now and they’ve climbed out of the bottom three on the back of a good run since he took over. Four wins from six. That’s some going that, him and the fella at Hull are looking like inspired appointments at the moment. 
 
Finally, City won at Bournemouth on Monday night and they’re now in second place. They’ll finish there too now I reckon, but there’ll be one or two more clunkers along the way because their defence and keeper are ropey as fuck. That new kid Jesus is injured now but should be back in a couple of months. Has anyone made a crack about him coming back after Easter? Half the internet have you say? Ok I’ll leave it then.


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Doesn't Courtois have some weird thing with Mignolet, where he hates him because Mig said he'd quite like to establish himself as Belgium's first choice keeper? Stupid moaning bastard.

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Doesn't Courtois have some weird thing with Mignolet, where he hates him because Mig said he'd quite like to establish himself as Belgium's first choice keeper? Stupid moaning bastard.

 

In fairness he has a point about that as Mignolet is shite.

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Doesn't Courtois have some weird thing with Mignolet, where he hates him because Mig said he'd quite like to establish himself as Belgium's first choice keeper? Stupid moaning bastard.

 

Fuck him the Postman Pat looking twat.

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