The biggest game of this week was undoubtedly the Manc derby. First versus second, City versus United, Oasis versus Simply Red, Mourinho versus Guardiola. The scoreline was close but the game itself certainly wasn’t as City just had their way with their neighbours.
Initially United fans were seething at how big the gulf was between the sides, but that storyline went away pretty damn quickly as Mourinho showed once again that he’s overtaken Frank Lampard as the ‘King of the Deflection”.
He knows what he’s doing and even I’ve got to give him credit as his ability to change the narrative is unparalleled. It works every time, he knows just how to manipulate situations so that no-one is ever talking about how he’s Tony Pulis’d the shit out the richest club in the world.
City led through Silva but Rashford levelled with United's first chance of the game at the very end of the first half. Otamendi and Delph made a right pigs arse of that, but Otamendi made amends by bagging the winner after the break. Said last week he's a better attacker than he is defender.
It was so easy for City that the only thing Guardiola had to be concerned about was when Mangala was wearing a Santa hat to warm up on the touchline. Not sure what his beef was there, but it's a bit rich him kicking off over someone else's choice of clobber when he's wearing a fucking enormous scarf that it looks like he nicked out of the BFG's wardrobe.
Instead of discussing just how comprehensively outplayed United were, all week the stories revolved around the tunnel fight, City’s ‘disrespectful celebrations’ and Mourinho showing up outside their dressing room telling them turn their music down. He truly is something else.
Apparently City had their music on loud and Mourinho didn’t like it. He’s got a point, there are other ways of celebrating victories in big games. Ways that are in no way disrespectful at all….
Of course I have no love for Guardiola either, but choosing a side here is easy. Let’s say I’m casually strolling along a bridge, and all of a sudden I see two fellas dangling off the edge, holding on desperately for dear life. A closer inspection reveals that it’s none other than Mourinho and Guardiola. What am I to do? Which one do I reach down and pull up?
Obviously it’s Guardiola. I reach down and say “here you go Pep lad, grab my hand and I’ll pull you up”. Mourinho then pipes up, “you’ve got a free hand, reach down and help me up”. To which I respond “You’re right Jose, I do have a free hand, thanks for pointing that out”. So I then reach down with my free hand, and grab Pep with that one too just to doubly safe.
I pull him up to safety and then we both stand there until Mourinho can’t hold on anymore and plummets to his death. I pat Pep on his stupid bald head and we laugh heartily, and then while his guard is down I shove the eggheaded goon over the cliff and he lands with a splat next to Mourinho.
I’m not sure what point I was trying to make as it got away from me a little there at the end. The general gist of it was supposed to be that I hate them both but Mourinho is far worse.
Perhaps the only person who hates Guardiola more than I do though is arl Zlatan. No surprise that quotes from him were dug up this week, from when he called the chrome domed City boss “the most immature” manager he’s had. Bit rich coming from a fella who if he’s not referring to himself in the third person, it’s only because he’s calling himself a fucking lion.
There are few people in football with an ego to match Ibrahimovich, but one of them is my old mate Pardew. His West Brom side were beaten 1-0 at Swansea on Saturday. The goal was scored by Bony, which is probably my fault after writing last week that he won’t do anything again this season. Sorry Pards, my bad.
West Ham shocked Chelsea on Saturday as Arnautovic finally did something good to justify his 120k a week salary. His goal gave them an early lead and they surprisingly held onto it to give Moyes his first win. Really embarrassing for Chelsea that. Moyes has only won about four games in two years, the fucking loser. At least he’s had the good sense to bench Hart in favour of Adrian. Given the trajectory of his career in recent years, Hart is going to end up back at Shrewsbury soon.
I noticed that Batshuayi was getting hammered for having a hot water bottle on the subs bench. There was a time when I’d have been ripping him for that too but these days I see that and think “sensible lad, obviously listens to his mum”. It was fucking baltic last weekend and I only wish I’d thought of it as I sat there with the snow coming down on me in the Main Stand.
The early game on Saturday saw Newcastle take the lead early against Leicester but a belter from Mahrez soon pegged them back. He then turned provider with a brilliant crossfield ball that led to a deflected goal from Gray.
Dwight Gayle also benefitted from a deflection to make it 2-2 but Newcastle then lost it in hilarious circumstances when that Ayoze Perez slapdick (hate him) put through his own net. Fuck you Ayoze Perez. Fuck you and your long neck and stupid haircut.
Speaking of stupid haircuts, Mahrez is channeling his inner 1990s Peroxide Robbie Fowler. Never a good look that, it’s almost enough to make me glad I didn’t get my wish of signing him last summer. Almost, but not quite. I'd still take him in January if it were up to me.
Palace drew 2-2 at home with Bournemouth in a game that ended in hilarious circumstances with a Benteke penalty miss in stoppage time. Defoe scored twice, one of which was an absolute beauty. Afterwards he was doing an interview and was interrupted by the Hodge, who said “still scoring them!” Defoe responded “Still left me out of the World Cup though”. Ouch.
Hodgson had other things to worry about after this one though. Namely Benteke disregarding instructions as to who was on penalties, grabbing the ball himself and then producing one of the sorriest looking spot kicks you’ll ever see. Palace would have moved out of the bottom three had they scored that.
Hodgson threw him under the bus and some people didn’t seem to like that. Personally I thought he let Benteke off easily as I’d have gone fucking postal if I was a manager and one of my players did that. Never had him down as the type to pull something like that. Shocking stuff.
Huddersfield beat Brighton in the “battle of the no-one gives a fuck”. Klopp’s mate finally dropped that big cart horse centre forward and brought Steve Mounie back in. He scored two. There’s a lesson there I think. Don’t pick cart horses.
Burnley won 1-0 on Saturday. Of course they did. Watford had to play most of the game with ten men but still gave as good as they got. Burnley seem to win loads of games despite never dominating any of them.
My boy Charlie Austin put Southampton ahead very early against Arsenal. They held on an awfully long time too, but no-one was surprised when Arsenal equalised right at the end, and they weren’t surprised it was Giroud that scored either. No-one seems to score more late goals than Arsenal and it always seems to be Giroud doesn’t it?
Full disclosure; I quite like Giroud. I don’t want to because he’s at Arsenal and he keeps scoring important late goals, but nevertheless I’ve warmed to him a bit in recent years, probably because of how much Arsenal fans slag him off for not being Thierry Henry.
Spurs got back to winning ways by battering Stoke, and once I again I find myself asking just what the fuck does Mark Hughes have to do to get sacked. Son was brilliant while Shawcross scored at both ends. The goal he scored in the right end was a gift after Loris totally flapped at a corner. He drops more clangers than any other so called top keeper. Starting to think he’s pretty fucking over-rated you know.
As much as I’m happy to see Pards back in the big time, there’s still a Tim Sherwood shaped hole in the Premier League. Come on Stoke, make it happen.
They lost again in midweek as Burnley moved up to 4th spot on Tuesday, albeit for just 24 hours until Spurs and ourselves overtook them. How did they do it? By winning 1-0 of course. Somehow Stoke are 15th, which is weird because they seem to get beat every week. This one was hard to take as they were the better team (as everyone seems to be against Burnley) and the goal came in the last minute. Sick of Burnley and Sean Dyche now, the sooner normal service is resumed the better.
Watford took the lead early at Palace and then Deeney hilariously missed an open goal from three yards as they created chances at will. They had looked comfortable throughout but undid all their good work by first conceding an equaliser in the last minute, and then giving up a winner in stoppage time. Both goals were made by my boy Wilf and his magic feet. He’s good enough to keep Palace up single handedly I think.
Also on Tuesday, Chelsea bounced back from their loss at West Ham with a comfortable win at Huddersfield. Bakayoko started the ball rolling with an early goal that was brilliantly crafted. Willian headed in a second just before half time and Pedro wrapped it up with the third early in the second half.
That cart horse Depoitre came off the bench and headed a consolation goal in the dying seconds. Huddersfield and Brighton comfortably have the least amount of talent in the league but both have a shot at staying up because of their work rate and spirit. One of them will probably go but I wouldn’t like to say which at this point.
Swansea look the most likely to go down right now and they remain rooted to the foot of the table after being swept aside by the leaders. City looked like they could score whenever they wanted and it like a training session. Someone should to tell those Swansea players they are allowed to tackle, because they were so fucking passive it was ridiculous. I think I heard that there were only three fouls in the first half. If you just stand off City like that you’re going to get destroyed. They’re lucky it wasn’t 10-0.
Speaking of lucky, Spurs had the most outrageous piece of good fortune to break the deadlock against Brighton when Aurier was nudged as he crossed the ball, knocking him off balance and causing his mis-hit cross to loop over the keeper into the far corner.
Not impressed with his celebrations though. Arms outstretched, tongue sticking out, nodding his head as though he actually meant it. Shameless dick.
Son made it 2-0 after the break as Spurs moved above us back into the top four. Probably going to be neck and neck with them all season. I just hope we can both claw back United because it’s annoying as fuck that they’re clear in second when they just aren’t that good.
They once again failed to impress but sneaked a win over Bournemouth. As usual, Eddie Howe’s team were on the wrong end of a poor decision when Smith was flattened in the build up to the goal, but the good news for them is they play us this weekend so they can expect a penalty and perhaps a dubious goal or two.
Mourinho included some kid I’ve never heard of, which tells me that we must be close to the transfer window opening and the cunt is trying to make a point about his squad being thin. So transparent.
Lukaku got the only goal of the game but we’ll see if that’s enough to get the fans off his back. Two faced bastards. It wasn’t that long ago they were buzzing off him and singing inappropriate songs about the size of his knob. He goes a few games without a goal and all of a sudden he’s lazy and shit. He didn’t celebrate this one, probably because he was thinking “fuck all yous”.
West Ham followed up their shock win over Chelsea with a shock draw with Arsenal. It could have been even better as Arnautovic had a goal ruled out for a borderline offside call and Hernandez hit the bar in the last minute. Can’t believe he still has ‘Chicarito’ on his shirt. You’re a grown man, calling yourself ‘Little Pea’. Have a word you soft cunt.
Everton’s mini revival continued with a win over sorry Newcastle. They were incredibly lucky as the Geordies were the better side and twice hit the woodwork. Shelvey was sent off late on for a second yellow card. Looked harsh to me but he’s never going to learn is he? Big on talent, tiny on brains.
I see Fat Sam cancelled Everton’s Christmas party. No doubt they were all still hungover after the mother of all celebrations they had after cheating their way to a draw at Anfield. Losers.
Allardyce was looking incredibly smug after that spawny win over his old club, but the smuggest man in the Premier League this week has to be Claude Puel. Sacked by Southampton after finishing 8th and reaching a cup final, he made his return to St Mary’s with new club Leicester and fucking murdered Southampton. 4-1 didn’t flatter them at all, they ripped the Saints to pieces on the break as Mahrez, Vardy and Japanese Dirk were just too hot to handle.
Said it back in August and I’m sticking with it now. Leicester are the best of the rest and I think they’ll finish 7th. Hope so anyway, mainly on the basis that they aren’t Burnley or Everton.
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