The Mancs kicked the weekend off with a relegation clash at Burnley. In the end it was a much needed point apiece and the draw was probably fair as there was nothing between the two teams on the day.
Di Maria made his debut but didn’t do much and was subbed in the second half. He’s far too good for this United team though. I was going to say he must have been wondering what he’d gotten himself into, but he knew full well what he was getting into, the greedy twat. He just doesn’t give a fuck as he’s being paid more than he’d get anywhere else.
Poor old Darren Fletcher must have the toughest job in the Premier League right now, playing in a midfield three with Mata and Di Maria. He should be asking for triple time, they’d probably give him it too as all of a sudden they’re handing out cash like it’s going out of fashion.
United are still without a win this season and not even a trip to MK Dons in the league cup could change that. Losing 4-0 to a third division side is just humiliating if you call yourself a big club, regardless of how many regulars were missing. If this is the best of their young crop then no wonder they’re choosing to pay daft money for big names.
Some questions were asked of Van Gaal for fielding such a weakened side, but in fairness you have to rest your top players when you’re having to juggle your squad due to the demands of European footb…. oh yeah …hahahahaha.
Van Gaal’s quotes afterwards were eerily familiar though. “I couldn’t have asked for any more. We didn’t score but we created lots of chances”. Fucking hell, all that’s missing there is “We got to the byline loads of times”. Louis Van Moyes!
Poor Moyesy, you just know he’s telling anyone who’ll listen (in other words, his wife) how “I won my first match in the league cup you know” and “When I said stuff like that they fucking laughed at me”. He’s right too. The way everyone took the piss out of him last season when it turns out he was actually the glue holding it all together. Who knew?
I’m wondering though, are we gonna see outraged articles with photos of fat Luke Shaw out and about in mancland after every bad United result? I hope so, it’s hilarious, albeit completely pointless. “Look, United couldn’t beat Burnley but Luke Shaw has gone out for a meal with friends. Outrageous behaviour!!”
Burnley are spirited and well organised, but severely lacking in talent. The other half of their prolific strike pairing is injured at the moment so maybe they’ll get better, but I was watching that Jutkievic bum and thinking how shit he is. “Where the fuck did they find that yard dog?” I pondered. Then the commentator says “his only other appearance in the Premier League came when he was at Everton.” Suddenly it all made sense.
Speaking of our unfriendly neighbours, the wheels seem to be coming off in a big way there. They blew the win against Arsenal a week ago and now they’ve been thoroughly spanked by a Chelsea side they beat at Goodison last year. Normally the thought of Chelsea hitting six goals against someone is enough to make me want to vomit, but if you can’t enjoy the Blues being humiliated at home then what’s the point in watching football?
Chelsea scored twice in the opening three minutes. Who the fuck do they think they are, us? The second one was a fraction offside but Everton’s defending on both goals was brutal. They’ve let in ten in three games now. Who the fuck do they think they are, us?
Mirallas pulled one back before half time and I noticed on the replay that Lukaku went and picked the ball out of the net and then cupped his ear to the Chelsea fans. Turns out the classless chav gobshites had been taunting him with chants of “Chelsea reject” in the rare moments they weren’t singing about us (yes, not only did Everton get slammed on the pitch but their fans fell short in the “let’s see who can sing about Liverpool the most” challenge too. Usually that only happens when the mancs are in town).
As for Lukaku, couple of things. 1) If you’re a centre forward, you can’t really be taunting opposing fans when it’s someone else that has scored against them, and 2) It’s probably wise not to do it when you’re still fucking losing the game!!
Chelsea restored their two goal advantage when Hazard’s shot went in off the unfortunate Coleman but the league’s best shit player, Steven Naismith, struck for the third game in a row with a lovely finish to give the Blues hope. Not for long though, another deflected goal - this time from Matic - gave Chelsea breathing room again but substitute Eto’o headed in with his first touch to make it game on once more.
Ah yes, Samuel Eto’o. How funny has it been seeing the Blues carrying on like they’ve landed some world superstar? It’s pathetic, like when they were buzzing off Gazza and Ginola when they were about six years past their sell by date too. I’d say they’re doing a Villa, but that would be unfair to Villa as they are under no illusions that the players they’ve signed are no longer “box office”. The blues are carrying on like they’ve signed the 2007 version of Eto’o.
Anyway, it was a completely mental game now; neither side could defend but Everton were especially bad and Ramires took advantage to make it 5-3. Mirallas then hit the post with what would have been an early goal of the season contender but Everton’s misery was complete when Costa grabbed his second in stoppage time after punishing a hilariously inept first touch by Besic on his debut.
You won’t hear me saying this often but I was hoping Costa would put that one away as it meant I could absolutely ruin Besic in here. Thats the one and only time I’ll be wanting that odious arl man faced twat to score. Besic though, how great was that!! He came on in the last minute with the game more or less over, and you just know he was thinking “I’ll give the fans a little something to get excited about here, show ‘em what I can do”. Best. First. Touch. Ever.
So embarrassing, but perhaps even more embarrassing was what happened next. No, not Costa’s putting the ball in the net, I’m talking about Jon Obi Mikel running onto the loose ball and then showing Besic how it’s done with a perfectly executed back heel of his own then sent Costa through to score. Being out showboated by Mikel has to be the worst experience a footballer can ever have. I’d just retire now if I was Besic.
It was an eventful day for Tim Howard, who not only let in six but could have been sent off three times. He handled about a yard outside the box at 2-0 but the linesman somehow failed to spot it. Howard even had the nerve to applaud the official for his mistake, the cheating fuck. Later he grabbed Costa by the throat (more on that in a second), which should be allowed but for some unknown reason isn't, and then he stuck his head into the face of Azpilacueta.
I knew as soon as Chelsea signed Costa he’d quickly become the biggest twat in the Premier League and he’s probably there already based on his conduct in the opening three games. He’s a real fucking baddie isn’t he. Taunting Coleman after the own goal was par for the course with him, but I loved the way Howard went for him. You want your players standing up for their mates like that, so good on him.
I guess we can scratch “anything hit by a Chelsea player” off that list of #thingstimhowardcansave though, and Phil Jagielka is now officially shite. That World Cup experience has ruined him, he’s a complete mess. He looked like Phil Babb on acid in this game.
You know what I really hate about Chelsea though? Everything. Twats.
Elsewhere on Saturday Stoke won at the Etihad, which is something of a bittersweet result for us. It’s good that City lost of course, the more points they drop the better, obviously, but Stoke kind of made us look bad after we were beaten so easily there a few nights earlier.
Diouf got the only goal of the game after a brilliant run. The finish at the end was terrible but somehow Joe Hart let it go through him. Happens quite a lot these days that.
Also on Saturday it was Pardew against Warnock in a “who’s the biggest twat” off at St James’ Park. Too close to call that one I’d say, so it’s fitting that game also ended honours even.
I still can’t believe Palace appointed Warnock when they could have had my main man Tim Sherwood, but it’s probably for the best. Sherwood and Puncheon on the same team, combined with “Glad All Over”? I may have had to go and support Palace.
Poor J-Punch though, Warnock was the last man on the earth he would have wanted to become his new boss after he accused him of being the most corrupt man in football last season. Still, my boy is made of strong stuff and responded by scoring a belter. Have some of that Warnock, try and drop him now you tit.
Puncheon’s goal put Palace 2-1 ahead after Janmaat had cancelled out a first minute goal by Gayle. Newcastle brought some kid on called Aarons or something and he looked really good. He scored the equaliser and then made another when his shot came back off the bar and Williamson had a tap in. That looked like it would be enough to give the Toon their first win of the season but hilariously, five minutes into stoppage time, Wilfried Zaha equalised. Hahahaha fuck off Newcastle, you Gerrard mocking smalltime stripy gobshites.
Pardew was complaining about seven minutes stoppage time. Warnock laughed it off saying “he wasn’t complaining until we scored”. Say what you like about these two, but they’ll both provide plenty of comic moments this season due to their complete unashamed bellendery.
Sunderland went down to a 1-0 defeat at QPR which doesn’t bode well for their chances this season. They’d been playing ok but you can’t lose at QPR as they’re terrible. Charlie Austin got the only goal of the game, whoever the hell he is.
Table topping Swansea had a comfortable win over West Brom, who like Sunderland look to be in for a looooong old season. Dyer scored twice and Routledge added a spectacular volley to secure a 3-0 win for Gary Monk’s men. Good for them, I’d quite like them to break into the top six at the expense of Everton or United this year. I think Gilfi Sigurdsson is probably better than most of the players Spurs kept at his expense. Very good player when used properly.
Another side I’d like to see do well, Southampton, had a good win too at the weekend, seeing off West Ham 3-1 at Upton Park. The Hammers paraded Alex Song prior to kick off, he’s joined them on loan from Barcelona. Poor bastard won’t know what’s hit him. From Messi, Neymar and Iniesta to Cole, Vaz Te and Downing. He must be feeling like Dan Akroyd in Trading Places right about now, except instead of getting to look at Jamie Lee Curtis’ tits he’s having to make do with Fat Sam and his moobs.
I don’t think Southampton have the firepower to improve on what they did last season but they certainly don’t look like they’ll struggle as much as most of us thought they would. They kept hold of Schneiderlin which was important, and he looks like he’s over his sulk now and scored twice in this game. Ward-Prowse continues to impress too, especially with his set-piece delivery.
Onto the utterly pointless Arsenal now, the fart that doesn’t stink. They were held to a draw at Leicester on Sunday. They’re gonna do it again aren’t they? Absolutely nailed on for fourth place.
Yaya Sanogo is so bad it offends me and I don’t even pay to watch the chump. Arsenal fans thought they had it bad with Bendtner, but Sanogo makes Bendtner look like the superstar that the Dane actually believes he is.
It was from Sanogo’s hopeless effort that Sanchez tapped in the opening goal. Their lead didn’t last long as Schlupp’s delicious cross was headed in by Ulloa. Leicester had two great chances to win it but Ulloa fluffed one and Varney was denied by Scziesny. They’re not bad Leicester are they? They’ve had three really tough games but only lost one of them, and even that one they could have won if Nugent wasn’t such a turd.
Over at Villa Park, Agbonlahor scored his first goal at home in about three years or something. His goalscoring form went south about the same time his hairline went north, but on his day he’s still almost unplayable at times. Hopefully he’s got his quarterly good game out of his system now and won’t run rings around us at Anfield in a fortnight like he did last season.
Weimann added a second and Villa were cruising at half time. Bruce was furious at his team and they were better second half. They pulled one back and almost got an equaliser they wouldn’t have deserved. It was funny seeing them booting the snot out of Villa’s 18 year old sub Jack Grealish though. I don’t know what the kid did to provoke their anger but it was ace. They seemed to take turns kicking him up in the air, it reminded me of when Mourinho’s Madrid did it to Messi that time.
Delph has been called up for England and a lot of people seem surprised by it. Not me, he’s a good player, I like him a lot. I was, however, surprised at the inclusion of Jack Colback, and even more surprised to hear Hodgson refer to him as the “ginger Pirlo”. Fucking hell.
I didn’t know that Darren Bent was back at Villa. That’s another former footy manager wonder kid on board. I’m half expecting Tonton Zola Moukoko and Cherno Samba to rock up when they come to Anfield in a fortnight.
Deadline day was even more mental than usual. Not because of the amount of deals that went through, but because of the insanity of some of those that did and some of the wages involved, both in terms of completed deals and ones that fell through.
Oussama Assaidi went on loan to Stoke after a permanent move didn’t happen because he wanted 50k a week and a pay off from LFC. 50k??? Assaidi?? Kinell, I hate modern football. Still, that was nothing compared to the bombshell dropped later that night. Fabio Borini wanted 90k a week to join QPR or Sunderland. Read that back again. That’s Fabio Borini. Fabio fucking Borini. 90k a week. He’s scored 23 career league goals (six of which came in the Championship), he doesn’t have much of a top flight pedigree at all and is fourth choice striker at Anfield. 90k??? I know QPR are a bit over generous with the arl wages and that, but even they have limits; they’re not Man United batshit mental.
My poor old Mackem brother in law didn’t take it very well at all, especially when it looked like his beloved “sweet smelling Fabio” was signing for Harry Redknapp. He hates ‘Arry with a passion, the only way it could have been worse for him would have been if Borini had been joining Newcastle or linking up with “parsnip nose nans hair” at Hull. As soon as news broke of our accepting QPR’s offer, the texts began rolling in…
“We need some answers. Why’s he signing for that wet cat meat faced cunt?”
“If he goes to QPR when he plays up here he’ll get more stick than that ginger cunt Colback”
“I feel like Lynne has cheated on me. Why Fabio? Why?” (Lynne is his wife by the way)
“Good luck at QPR you greedy twat”
Then, when the QPR deal hit a snag…..
“I still think we might get him”
Then, when it became clear Fabio was staying put….
“Loads of free Saturday’s for him to take his lass shopping. Idiot. Ikea shopping on Saturday’s for you Fabio”
As for the deals that did go through, the Mancs were involved in the two most high profile ones. Falcao is costing them an absolute shitload for one season, with figures ranging from £20m to £35m depending on who you believe. You could understand it us or Arsenal had done it, he may have been the difference between top four and winning the title. What difference is he going to make to United this year though? He might take them from 7th to 5th if they’re incredibly lucky.
I said last week when they got Di Maria they’d bought a swimming pool even though the house was falling down. I don’t even know what Falcao is. A diving board made of solid gold maybe? He causes more problems than he solves as Van Gaal now has to shoehorn him, Rooney, Van Persie, Mata and Di Maria into the side. Not to mention the three left backs he’s bought. Still, they’ll need a bigger squad and more options due all the extra games they have because of the Champions Le…. oh yeah… hahahahaha!
They’re so desperate to be seen to still be ‘big time’ they’re paying stupid money for players they don’t need just because they’re big names. “Hey everyone, look at us, we can still attract the big boys” Yeah because you’re paying double the going rate and triple the wages, you silly cunts.
And what’s with selling Emile Welcrap to Arsenal? What the fuck is that about? I know he’s not the greatest striker in the world, but he’s not THAT bad and all they’ve done here is helped out Arsenal, who were facing the prospect of being stuck with the laughable Sanogo until Giroud comes back in January. Arsenal are so desperate they’re paying Welbeck 100k a week too. Not as daft as Borini wanting 90k like, but it’s still madness.
Why would United help Arsenal out like that though? If they want to get back in the top four then they’ll probably have to overhaul the Gunners to get in there, and they’ve just pretty much guaranteed that’s not going to happen.
If they were writing off this season as a rebuild year you could understand it, but then why sign Falcao? It looks like they’re letting the madcap Van Gaal do whatever the fuck he likes, and long may it continue as at this rate they’ll be like Leeds in no time at all.
Speaking of Leeds, they made the news on deadline day too, but not in a good way. 10 minutes before the window closed they tweeted: “Don’t go to bed just yet… there is still work to be done”
That ‘work’ was to sell two of their promising young strikers for ‘undisclosed’ fees. Even funnier, they built it up further by retweeting a comment from their captain Jason Pearce saying “ooooo this is decent” as though he knew something about some deal they were working on. He was actually talking about a TV show he was watching. Trolling their own fans, fair play.
Other notable things from the window were Everton failing to complete a deal for Tom Cleverly (lucky escape there, he’s ended up at Villa. Makes sense, after all he was a footy manager wonder kid three or four years ago) and City selling Negredo. Negredo was fucking brilliant in the first half of last season, how come they don’t want him anymore? Surely not because that tiny mouthed bum Jovetic has scored a couple of goals? Whatever, I’m glad Negredo has gone as he’s quality. Who’d have thought Soldado would have lasted longer in the Premier League though after the seasons they both had. Funny old game innit.
The best moment of the night was undoubtedly the big blue dildo (no, not Bill Kenwright) being shoved in the ear of the sky reporter outside Everton’s training ground. When I heard there had been a giant blue cock on Sky Sports News I assumed they must have wheeled out “Professor” Tom Cannon and his syrup again, but this was much more entertaining. The dildo had far more personality than Cannon, and i daresay it was more knowledgeable about football finance too.
Dave
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