Fat Sam showed up on MOTD this week. No sign of him when West Ham were beating Arsenal on opening day but when they’re losing at home to Bournemouth he’s right there front and centre with his big fat grinning face, picking over the carcass of their defeat like some big fat, smug wart hog.
With that Adrian jabroni suspended, West Ham handed a debut to their new back up keeper. He played against Bournemouth a couple of times last year for Birmingham and let in 12 goals, so he’ll have been the only person in the country not surprised that Bournemouth rattled in another four against him.
West Ham had an early goal chalked off because Winston Reid was adjudged to have fouled their centre half before heading in. Eddie Howe didn’t complain about that one though, funnily enough.
Nolan was playing centre forward for West Ham as they’ve got a bit of a striker crisis going on. Big Andy has injured himself again, apparently rolling his ankle while putting on his trainers. There has to be more to it than that, surely? Probably about twelve pints more I’d say.
Callum Wilson opened the scoring with a lovely finish and quickly added a second. Both goals were the fault of Hammers’ left back Cresswell who had himself a real Jon Walters of a day.
Bournemouth battered Bilic’s men in the first half and should have been four or five ahead, but they lost the plot in the second half and found themselves pegged back as Noble won and converted a pen and then Wile. E. Coyote levelled things up.
It looked like Bournemouth had blown the opportunity to pick up their first win but they came back strong and Pugh’s well taken goal put them in front again before Wilson completed his hat-trick from the spot after Jenkinson lost possession to Gradle and then conceded a pen and picked up a red card for his troubles.
How often do you see that though, a player makes a cock up and then compounds it by trying too hard to put it right.
When you start chasing your own tail trying to rectify mistakes it never ends well. Like when I was a kid and my mum used to salvage old jeans my making them into cut off shorts. Mine were usually fine, but I still carry around the mental scars about the botch up job she'd always make of my dad's. They'd start off as three quarter length, but then one leg would be higher than the other so she'd try and even them out. By the time she'd finished he was wearing denim hotpants, or "Daisy Dukes" as we called them back in the day. I still have the occasional 'Nam style flashback over that. *shudders*
Anyway, a couple of years ago I kept saying that Jenkinson was complete shite but why do I keep hearing people raving about him? I’m still not having him, he’s terrible and if he wasn’t on Arsenal’s books no-one would look twice at him I reckon.
That said, he barely touched Gradle and it looked like a bad dive to me. Maiga gave Bournemouth a bit of a scare with a late goal but they held on for their first ever top flight victory. Good for them.
On the subject of bad dives, our old pal Adnan Januzaj was at it again. This was staggeringly bad, not only was he not touched but there was a two second delay before he decided to go down. He’s had more yellow cards for cheating than he’s scored Premier League goals and he’s single handedly putting paid to the myth that “practice makes perfect”.
Depay looks quite lively but aside from him United are just dull as fuck. They keep linking themselves with massive names too, Neymar, Bale and Muller this week. Yeah file that one away with Benzema to Arsenal and anyone I’ve actually heard of to Everton. Speaking of the Blues, I was told this week that they re-signed that Alcaraz chump after releasing him at the end of the season. Wow, I guess there really is no escaping from Alcaraz then. What? Ah fuck off, that’s gold that is.
Meanwhile Van Gaal is telling people that Fellaini will be playing up front. That low rumbling noise you hear is Moyes grinding his teeth over in Spain.
As for Newcastle, they’ve spent £50m this summer. Other than that Wijnaldum fella I couldn’t tell you who they spent it on as I don’t have a clue. They’ve become as boring, pointless and totally irrelevant as Villa were before my main man Timmy put them back on the map.
Elsewhere, Sunderland ditched Kaboul and brought back O’Shea, who immediately ended up in a row with his keeper after needlessly conceding a corner. I believe the appropriate term there involves frying pans and fires. They should hit O’Shea in the face with a frying pan and set fire to Kaboul. Still, at least they didn’t lose this week so that’s progress. They even came from behind to get a point.
Swansea took the lead when Gomis scored yet again (eight in his last nine now), nice finish once more too. Before you ask, no I’m still not having it that he’s any good. Defoe equalised with a scruffy effort and they were denied what looked a clear pen when Williams handled in the box.
Moving along, and Dele Ali scored for Spurs to put them ahead at Leicester. The lead didn’t last long though, about 15 seconds in fact, as my boy Mahrez scored another corker. Yeah that’s right, I said “my boy”, I’m claiming him to join up with J-Punch because Charlie Austin is in the Championship and Danny Ings plays for us now. If he keeps this up, Mahrez might even be joining him at the end of the season. He’s surely nailed on for August’s player of the month.
Stoke’s forward line is suddenly looking pretty tasty these days. Shaqiri, Affelay and Arnautovic playing behind Diouf, that’s pretty good isn’t it? Diouf put them ahead at Norwich from a Shaqiri cross but the Canaries (lamest nickname ever by the way) hit back through Russell Martin.
Norwich should have won but Jack Butland had a stormer and made save after save to keep them at bay. Norwich have started the season pretty well though. They might be better than I thought, and without Suarez we’ll no doubt make really hard work of beating them this year.
Onto Selhurst Park now where Palace took on Villa. The years have not been kind to Gabby Agbonlahor have they? It’s like he’s got that disease that causes premature ageing, the poor bastard looks like he’s in his 50s. I guess living in Birmingham and playing for Villa your entire career will do that to you.
You know how in some of his movies Eddie Murphy plays loads of different characters and sometimes he’ll play an older version of himself? That’s what it looks like Agbonlahor is doing.
Palace had a goal controversially disallowed when Dwight Gayle’s wild shot was headed for the corner flag but hit McArthur in the chest and went in. He was marginally offside but initially the goal stood until Villa’s players persuaded the ref to go and talk the lino, who belatedly went “oh yeah! They’re right you know, he WAS offside” and the ref disallowed it.
Had that been against us it would have been a goal, not because of the officials (they’re all in our pocket these days it seems) but because that little turd Gayle would have put it in the top corner against us. Little scrote turns into superman whenever he faces us, but he’s shite against everyone else. Has to be a closet Evertonian him.
Palace took the lead midway through the second half with a towering header from Scott Dann from a J-Punch corner, but Souare deflected a Traore cross into his own net and Villa looked like coming away with a point until Palace new boy Sako took advantage of a mistake in the Villa defence to win it in stoppage time.
That Traore lad looks good, he was linked with us but we’ve got wide attacking players coming out of our arses and didn’t need him. He had “Adama” on his shirt so a lucky escape there I’d say.
Regrettably I have to end Saturday’s games on a sombre note. Despite having the entire summer to take stock of his life choices and sort himself out, Jack Grealish has reported back with the exact same stupid haircut. Twat.
Onto Sunday, and Chelsea finally got a win, but only just. They beat West Brom 3-2 but the Baggies helped them out by missing a pen, the massive shitbirds.
Berahino was missing having had his head turned by a bid from Spurs. So, he sacked Aidy Ward, signed a new contract at the Hawthorns and then a few weeks later hands in a transfer request. Not the brightest bulb in the box then.
His absence meant West Brom needed a new penalty taker. James Morrison got the nod and smashed it straight at Postman Pat in the Chelsea goal.
Pulis wasn’t happy about the Berahino situation as he’s always had a real hard on about the transfer window. In fact he hates the transfer window as much as I hate Chelsea, and just like me, he’s right.
Pedro’s jammy deflected strike put Chelsea ahead, and was predictably met with chants of “Are you watching Manchester?” Fair enough I guess, but the taunting of West Brom with “Champions of England, you’ll never sing that” was just about the most Chelsea thing I’ve seen since that lad with the selfie stick, taking a selfie of himself taking a selfie.
They’d never have gotten to sing it either if they hadn’t stumbled upon that Russian crook. Classless twats.
Pedro’s off target shot was then slid in by Costa and Chelsea were cruising but Morrison made amends for his penalty miss with a nice finish.
Azpilacueta restored their two goal advantage after completing catching West Brom by surprise by appearing on the edge of the box. I mean come on, how are you meant to gameplan for that? He’s normally got less freedom than Z’s gimp in Pulp Fiction.
Mongo was sent off by Clattenburg for tugging back Rondon but Mourinho wouldn’t have it. He was kicking off at the time and then afterwards pulled the old “I have nothing to say about it, because if I talk about that I’ll also have to talk about all the throw ins and free kicks and corners and shit we didn’t get as well”. Pardon my French, but just shut up you fucking boring, tiresome cunt.
Morrison’s second ensured a tense finale but the bastards held on. Rondon looked alright, he’s nailed on to give Skrtel a hard time this year I reckon, he’s exactly the type of forward he has problems with.
Also on Sunday, Watford and Southampton drew 0-0. Watford continue to look ok, Southampton continue to look way off what they were last year. I didn’t realise until just now that Watford play “Z cars” before kick off. Hope they go down now.
Finally, over in LA Stevie’s ears most have been burning as both set of fans at the Pit were singing his name. Fucking losers, I don’t know who’s worse; City fans singing that on Merseyside trying to get at us, or Everton fans joining in to get approval from City. Dickheads the lot of them.
City strolled to a relatively routine 2-0 win, although the Blues acquitted themselves quite well in fairness. Kolorov broke the deadlock after an hour and Nasri added a brilliant second to finish it off. Great goal that. Bastards.
City are just too strong for everyone at the moment, they’re looking solid at the back now after their problems last year and they’ll always be dangerous up front as long as Aguero is there.
He was roundly praised after grabbing the attention of a medical people and directing them to a fan in the stands who was having a seizure. He deserves whatever praise comes his way as that’s pretty fucking remarkable that he was able to look into that mass of contorted, bile spewing faces, and spot that one of them was actually having an actual fit rather than a standard Evertonian match day one. Is there no end to Aguero’s talents?
Dave Usher
@theliverpoolway
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