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Premier League Round Up (Apr 5-7 2014)

I guess it was too much to ask for ‘same as last week’ wasn’t it? Both City and Chelsea had potentially tricky games, not as difficult as a week earlier as they were both at home, but strange things can happen at this stage of the season. Sadly both came through with relative ease. If we’re gonna do this it’s going to be the hard way, nothing is going to be handed to us unfortunately.

 

City were once again indebted to Dodgy Linesman, who provided yet another assist when he kept his flag down despite David Silva being four yards offside. Aside from Yaya Toure, Dodgy Linesman has probably been City’s key man this season, I’ve lost count of the telling contributions they’ve had from him. He may even make the final six in the Player of the Year awards.

 

That was the worst offside call since… well since Sterling got flagged off for being about the same distance ONSIDE that Silva was OFFSIDE. And let’s not even start on the disallowed Tiote goal a few weeks before that. Refs haven’t been bailing City out, but weirdly, the liners have helped them big time all season. Maybe they’re cheaper to pay off than refs? FFP and all that.

 

Southampton were well on top at that stage too, they’d stormed back from conceding a second minute penalty and were all over City for the next 20 minutes or so before eventually levelling through a pen of their own. They’d missed three great chances prior to that and were bossing it until that offside goal went in and affected their concentration just before half time.

 

Dzeko added another about a minute later and that was game over. Gutted. I really had a strong feeling they’d give City all they could handle, and it was shaping up like that too until they let those two quick goals in. Jovetic then tapped in to make it 4-1 late on. City deserved the win but it would have been nice to see it not handed to them on a fucking plate.

 

What about that City penalty though, fucking hell. Jose Fonte, hang your head in shame, that was the worst piece of individual defending of the season so far. The way he lazily dangled out his back leg and caught Dzeko was unforgivable. The City striker made a complete meal of it in fairness, and under normal circumstances I’d hammer him for that. But Fonte’s challenge was so unbelievably stupid I don’t even blame Dzeko for going to ground, if ever a player deserved to concede a pen it was Fonte. That foul actually deserved two penalties, what a complete fucking dolt he is.

 

This is why I’d never be able to be a manager, as that kind of thing would make me sub a player immediately, call him a useless sack of shit in my post match press conference and then immediately stick him on the transfer list.

 

Pochettino was mighty pissed afterwards, but not with Fonte. No, he was kicking off about the linesman, which was understandable of course. His and Lallana’s interviews afterwards spoke volumes though I thought. Lallana looked like he was going to cry, and Pochettino actually spoke in English, that’s how pissed off he was. Lallana was going on about how ‘hard done by’ they were and how they could all see how far offside he was by watching it on the big screen.

 

Thing is though, they lost 4-1!!! Yes, the second goal was a turning point, but only because they allowed it to be by letting it cabbage their heads. That’s why they lost the game. They’d already come back from one goal down and played City off the park, they could have done it again but instead they felt sorry for themselves and paid the price. Contrast that with what we did at Upton Park in similar circumstances. We’ve got Brendan though haven’t we, the massive leg.

 

Yaya was booked for an awful dive. I can only imagine what Kolo thought when he saw that, truly shocking stuff that. I’m not going to get too worked up about the lack of a media backlash though, let’s face it Sturridge pretty much got away scot free after his tumble at Old Trafford. Poor Luis would have been deported had he pulled something like that.

 

What about poor old Jay Rodriguez eh? I feel terrible for the lad, he’s been in great form lately and looked like a cert for the World Cup until he blew his knee out under no challenge from anybody. How come stuff like that always happens to the decent lads like him, and never to massive gobshites like Eden Hazard, Jonas Olson or that Fellaini arsewipe?

 

Chelsea had a much easier time of it than City. Stoke had won four or five on the spin going into this and I thought they might even be able to frustrate Chelsea, but they were fucking woeful and could barely get out of their own half. Charlie Adam came on at half time and had committed a foul within four seconds. Impressive stuff, he was only just back from a ban but he didn’t let that slow him down. He followed it up by stamping on Schurrle’s foot and then raking his studs down the chest of Luiz, and spent the rest of his time on the pitch slipping over any time he tried to run. His performance was laughably bad, the only thing you can say in his defence is at least it wasn’t ‘Andy Wilkinson bad’.

 

Yes, Andy Wilkinson, the hapless right back who was a regular under Tony Pulis is still alive and stealing a Premier League wage it seems. Hughes brought him on at half time, and you’d have to ask the question ‘what the fuck had he been smoking’ as I’ve said before that Wilkinson might be the worst player in the league. Jozy Altidore has made a good fist of taking up the mantle this year as Wilkinson (and Ryan Shotton) hasn’t had much of a look in, but he showed within a few minutes he’s not giving up his crown without a fight. The penalty he gave away for chopping down Salah was a joke, absolutely terrible decision making. Not the decision to make the tackle, although that was bad enough, no, I mean the decision to ever lace up a pair of boots in the first place.

 

You know who I really fucking hate at Chelsea? Well all of them obviously, but in this instance I’m talking about Willian. After me ripping him last week he goes and scores a boss little goal against Stoke. I hate it when shit like that happens and makes me look bad, although I still stand by what I said; he’s Dirk Kuyt without the goals. You know how I know that? Because it’s impossible for anyone to talk about Willian with referencing ‘how hard he works’. Honestly, look out for it, every fucker who ever mentions him has to bring it up, like he’s the only fella in the league who puts a shift in or something. Does my head in.

 

Moving swiftly along, and Palace had another great win, spanking Cardiff largely due to another great performance by Jason Puncheon who scored two crackers. Have to feel a bit for Cardiff, in recent weeks they’ve had to deal with Suarez, Sturridge and Puncheon. Triple whammy. No wonder they look a little gun shy.

 

Joe Ledley scored the other one and looked absolutely gutted about it. Not only did he used to play for them, but he’s actually from Cardiff and they’re his team. J-Punch had no such concerns, after his stunning second he put his hands to his ears and then thumbed his nose at the Cardiff fans. That’s ma boy!

 

The mancs beat Newcastle 4-0 at St James’ Park, but does anyone actually give a shit what they do anymore? When they lose it’s funny of course, but when they win it’s all just very ‘meh’. United are almost irrelevant these days and the Geordies are already on their summer hols. Their players don’t even look arsed anymore, and this was a cake walk for the mancs.

 

Fellaini was still pulling his blatant elbow shit and getting away with it too. He completely levelled Gosling with a forearm smash as the Newcastle man tried to make a challenge. Kevin ‘Nobody’s’ Friend actually gave United a free-kick for that, the massively incompetent knob head. What’s it going to take until Fellaini is dealt with? Is it going to need someone to get their face shattered like Gary Mabbutt back in the day? If so, allow me to nominate Oscar for the job.

 

Mata scored twice, I haven’t seen him that happy since that big party him and the rest of his little furry mates had on Endor when the Death Star was destroyed. Hernandez got one and Januzaj managed to stay on his feet long enough to grab a goal as well. Ten away wins that for United. Hopefully that’s enough to keep Moyesy in a job, despite them being dumped out of Europe in hilarious circumstances.

 

Plucky United had been giving a really good account of themselves in Germany and even had the temerity to take the lead through an Evra thunderbolt. I didn’t watch it but I read that Moyesy actually started to set off down the touchline but for whatever reason didn’t reach his players as Mourinho had done the night before. May have been the fact that Bayern had equalised before he could get there?

 

No doubt he did that run we’ve all done when trying to catch a bus, where it pulls away and you try to just casually slow down and make out you weren’t actually running for the bus, you were just giving the old legs a bit of a stretch. And whatever you do, you don’t make eye contact with anyone on it, no-one wants to see those smug, self satisfied faces staring mockingly out of the window do they? Of course, it was boss when you were the one sat on the bus ripping the piss out of the loser who was too slow to catch it. Come on, it wasn’t just me who did that was it?

 

I eventually learned that in that situation it was best to just carry on running right past the bus stop and make it look like I was in a hurry to get somewhere and wasn’t interested in no stupid bus anyway. Thankfully I drive now, as those years of bus travel were pretty fucking traumatic to tell the truth. I’d live in constant fear that the drunken loon that seems to appear on every bus journey regardless of time of day or destination, would come and sit next to me. I’d see it every day, he’d get on and sit next to someone, and then start singing to them whilst everyone else on the bus pissed themselves, in some cases literally if the smell was anything to go by.

 

Incredibly I managed to always dodge that particular bullet (the singing drunk I mean, I got stuck with more than my share of piss smelling old folk unfortunately, but that serves me right for travelling with my dad I guess. What? It’s ok for him to call me Gerry fucking Francis but I can’t have a go back??), but I’m still haunted by the day a white van pulled up next to the bus I was on, and I made the rookie mistake of making eye contact with the three workmen in it. There was this stunning looking bird in the seat in front of me, I didn’t know her but we got the same bus home from work every day. Anyway, one of the lads in the van was trying to tell me something, and eventually I realised he was trying to get her attention, as though he knew her.

 

He was asking me to tap her on the shoulder to get her attention, so I did. “Excuse me” I stammered, nervously, and then pointed to the van slightly behind her right shoulder. She looks over, as did I, and to my horror the lad is now just casually sat reading the paper whilst his two mates are staring straight ahead, paying no attention whatsoever to the bus. Bastards, they’ve done me there.

 

She just turned back to what she was doing, and I’m sat there feeling like a massive knobhead. I looked back to the van, and the three fellas are roaring with laughter now. I’m still mortified even thinking about it all these years later, but looking back it could have been a hell of a lot worse, they could have been showing their arses…. or worse, wearing Chelsea shirts. Anyway, the moral of that story is that white van men can’t be trusted, buses are bad, that stunning bird thought I was a crank and Moyesy must stay,

 

Moving on, and Villa were without Benteke and Delph against Fulham and it showed as they somehow managed to get beat by a team that hasn’t been able to beat anyone for months. Only Villa could lose to Fulham couldn’t they, the complete fucking losers.

 

Speaking of which, Motson was commentating on this one. I say commentating, I’m not exactly sure what he was doing, but there were so many ooohs and aaaaahs I’m not sure I want to know. He needs fucking off after this season though, surely? I know I’ve been saying that for ten years, but eventually they need to send him to the glue factory surely? Failing that, I’d settle for them forcing him to retire.

 

Richardson’s stunner put Fulham ahead but Holt equalised soon after only for Rodallega to win it for the visitors with a few minutes remaining. See what happens when you play an experienced frontman instead of some untested kid, Fulham? Of course, that sentence could just as easily read “See what happens when you play Aston fucking Villa?” Penfold was hilarious afterwards, saying “this is a message to the rest of the Premier League… we are back!” Hahaha yeah I bet everyone is shitting themselves now, after you’ve beaten the might of Aston Villa. Kinell.

 

Two more deadbeat teams met at Carrow Road as West Brom beat Norwich thanks to an early Amalfitano goal. Norwich were a bit unlucky and hit the woodwork twice as they pushed for an equaliser. Chris Hughton was sacked afterwards and the youth team manager was appointed in his place. In a season of fucked up sackings this one may just be the worst. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been saying for weeks that Norwich would probably go down, and they may still do so (the only thing preventing it is likely to be Sunderland ineptitude), but they’ve actually been doing ok and prior to that goal hadn’t conceded at home since December, so what’s the point in sacking him now just as they are about to head into a run of games where they are unlikely to even take a point, no matter who is in charge?

 

They’ve got Fulham next but after that it’s mission impossible for them, so why ditch Hughton now? Has Delia been at the cooking sherry again? Seems pretty fucked up to me, but I won’t be losing any sleep over it, especially as it probably made our game there in a couple of weeks considerably easier. Suarez might actually score six this time.

 

George Boyd was back from suspension after grebbing at Joe Hart the other week, and he scored the only goal of the game as Hull beat Swansea. Steve the Pirate reckons Routledge should be given an England call up. Who does he get in instead of then? Ain’t gonna happen, Steve.

 

Sunday saw the latest leg of the “Takin’ it up the Arse” comedy tour, as the Gunners arrived at Goodison Park. It wasn’t quite as funny a gig as the ones they performed at Anfield, the Emirates and Stamford Bridge but Arsenal still managed to give everyone a good old belly laugh once again.

 

We set the blueprint for how to ruin Arsenal and both Chelsea and Everton followed the same method; push up on them, force them to lose possession in their own half and then hit them quick. The Blues were good value for the win, Arsenal were fucking woeful again. They’re just so lightweight it’s not even funny. Well ok, it is funny, but they are shockingly weak aren’t they?

 

The win actually puts the Blues in pole position for 4th now, which has not exactly been met with universal approval inside Goodison according to defender Sylvain Distin: “We’ve spoken about it with some of the staff and said: ‘What if we have to beat City to be in the Champions League but by doing that Liverpool win the league?’ The funny thing is, some people would rather we don’t get Champions League as long as they don’t win the league. It’s mad.” No, it’s not mad Sylvain, it’s #evertonarentwe

 

Onto Monday night, and Sunderland really are going down aren’t they? I didn’t expect them to get a result at Spurs, but you can’t be losing 5-1 either. They’ve got games in hand but it’s not going to mean anything if they can’t pick up any points. Gus Poyet seems to have given up already, “We need a miracle to stay up. We need something unique, a shock. I know where I am. If you look at the table and the games we have got left to win. I cannot see it coming.”

 

That was bad, but if you’re a Sunderland fan surely this is the last thing you want to hear from your manager: “As soon as we go forward we cannot defend. We cannot pass the ball, we cannot get a shot on target. There are so many things that we cannot do. I blame myself. I pick the players, I pick the shape, I make the changes.” Fucking hell! It’s true what he’s saying of course, but sometimes maybe honesty isn’t always the best policy Gus?

 

And why all this Sherwood hatred? Come on people, the guy is facking hilarious, a pwoper geeza. The mutual salute between him and Adebayor after the striker’s goal against the Mackems was just pure, unadulterated comedy gold. Arsenal should hire him as a warm up act for their “Takin’ it up the Arse” tour actually. I don’t get how anyone can hate Sherwood these days, there’s only so much hate to go round and it seems daft wasting it on good old ‘Timmy Tactics’ when Mourinho and Chelsea are in existence.

 

I don’t even have enough hate in me to be bothered by people like Allardyce and Pardew anymore, it’s all taken up by that fucking helmet and his cronies at Chelsea. It boiled over again this week with their win over PSG. As much as the head said that Chelsea going through to the semi’s was good for the Reds, and it provided at least some crumb of comfort when they did just that, I can’t deny that I threw up in my mouth a little when Ba got that late goal and that attention seeking, limelight hogging cunt went charging up the touchline. Always has to make it about himself doesn’t he, the self absorbed arrogant fuckface.

 

There he was, Champions League quarter final and he’s stood on the touchline in a pair of sweaty jogging bottoms, the fucking meff. Put a suit on you scruffy, horrible, Russian sounding cuntbucket. And get a shave too.

 

I knew they’d go through, let’s be honest here, PSG are French and every French team that’s ever come over here needing a result seems to have shit their pants and blown it. I think maybe Monaco beat the Mancs once, but pretty much every other memory I have of French teams playing in England is of them crumbling under pressure.

 

You know how I’m not exactly a fan of Zlatan, well guess what, I’d take him over that other over-rated, over-priced skeletor looking show pony Cavani. If he was even remotely decent PSG would have gone through, but they got knocked out because he’s more interested in showing people how hard he can hit a ball than in putting it in the back of the damn net.

 

Get a big giant box, mark it ‘over-priced, over-hyped shite’ and stick him and Zlatan in it, along with Ribery and that bellend with the stupid haircut at Napoli, Hamsik or whatever the fuck his name is. Shite, the lot of them. “Oh you don’t know what you’re talking about, have you not seen what Zlatan can do with a tennis ball?” Don’t. Fucking. Care.

 

I watched our players doing keep ups with a tennis ball and guess what, Suarez was comfortably the worst at it, he barely managed double figures despite doing that thing that people who are shit at keep ups do. You know what I’m talking about, where they try and do as many as they can on their thigh because they know they can’t use their feet.

 

You know who the best in the LFC squad was with a tennis ball? Conor Coady, that’s who. So no, I don’t give a fuck what Zlatan can do with a tennis ball, he can shove it up his over-rated arse. Or better yet, shove it up Cavani’s. And then make Mourinho eat it.

 

Dave


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Excellent as ever. The 'nutter on the bus' riff maybe your best yet. I suspect the reason why Ryan Shotton has relinquished his title as worst player in the Premiership is because he's playing for Wigan this season. I imagine he's a hot contender for worst player in the Championship

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Haha, loved the mental off tangent end rant. 

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