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Premier League Round Up (Apr 16-18 2016)

The main event of the weekend was at Carrow road where Norwich took on Sunderland in the very definition of the old “six pointer”. Victory for Norwich would have gone a long towards securing their survival, but they got whalloped 3-0. They’re a point ahead of Sunderland now but the Mackems have a game in hand and a much better goal difference.
 
Newcastle are a point further back but have played the same number of games as Norwich. If I had to stick my neck out I’d say Sunderland will sneak out of it because they’ve done it before and that obviously helps. They’ve also got something neither Newcastle or Norwich have - a reliable goalscorer. Defoe is like Gilfi Sigurdsson, it feels like he scores every week.
 
Both clubs have been charged by the FA for a dust up on the touchline early in this game. I loved it, it was great. I was pissing myself when it happened as Fat Sam was trying to take on half the Norwich team and subs, it was ace. Usually I’d be the first one to slaughter Allardyce for any indiscretion, but I’d have defo done the same thing in his shoes. The impressive thing was it wasn’t an Alan Pardew “red mist” thing. Allardyce didn’t lose his cool, he just seemed to be enjoying himself and wanted to throw his not inconsiderable weight around.
 
Andre Wisdom has had a terrible season and doesn’t look to have any kind of a future with us. And yet we’ve seen the Klopp effect on so many other players, so you just never know. It does look like his career has gone backwards the last two years though, which is a shame as he looked boss as a teenager. He gave away a poor penalty for a late challenge on Borini, which set the Mackems on the way to three points.
 
No surprise that Fabio buried the pen, as it’s one of the few things he’s good at. Actually that’s unfair, because he’s fucking great at most things in April and May, it’s the rest of the year when he plays like a turd sandwich. He’s one a one man mission to save Sunderland again, he’s playing like a man possessed at the moment.
 
Redmond almost equalised early in the second half but his shot came back off the post. Borini then teed up Defoe for Sunderland’s second with an inch perfect cross from the right, and Watmore wrapped it up late on.
 
It’s not often Newcastle will be celebrating a Sunderland win but that result was big for them. A draw may have been better but the one thing they couldn’t have was a Norwich win, so this has kept them within touching distance of safety.
 
The result would have been irrelevant if they hadn’t taken care of their own business, and they did with what, on the surface at least, looked like a comfortable 3-0 win at home to Swansea. It wasn’t actually that comfortable as Swansea were on top for much of the game but didn’t take their chances.
 
Newcastle got two goals from corners before Townsend bagged a last minute third. They must have taken confidence from that because they followed that win up with a very good performance and a draw at home to City in midweek. They should have won it really and will go into their game at Anfield tomorrow in good spirits. Rafa has taken the captaincy off Shelvey and stuck him on the bench. I’m surprised it took him this long really. 
 
Elsewhere, the soap opera at Villa Park had another couple of interesting twists. First, Gabby Agbonlahor…. Fucking hell. Having been dropped and sent to fat camp, he’s now been suspended (and there’s talk of cancelling his contract) after being spotted on the laughing gas on the night Villa’s relegation was finally confirmed with a 1-0 loss at Old Trafford. The fact he isn’t even the biggest Villa related story of the week though tells you just how fucked they are.
 
Step forward once again club captain Joleon Lescott. “Now it's confirmed maybe it's a weight off the shoulders and we can give these fans what they deserve, some performances.”  Hahahaha that’s so outrageous even Bobby Brown Shoes would have thought twice about saying it. I could almost accept the “weight off the shoulders” bit because let’s face it, they’ve known for months they were down and it must have been difficult playing with that over their heads. It’s the second part of that sentence that I find so outrageous. Now that they’re relegated they can start giving the fans what they deserve? Personally I’d say Villa fans have already been getting EXACTLY what they deserve, but that’s not really the point.
 
The best part of it all was the reaction of some former Villa players. Paul McGrath tweeted “Lescott came to Villa for money and nothing more, he got what he wanted and laughed it off, you are a slime bag son. You’re a disgrace!” To be fair he was probably pissed when he wrote that, but he’s not wrong is he?
 
Collymore laid into him too on Talksport and then challenged him, or “Gabby” “Micah” or “Leandro” (he said those names in the most patronising tone imaginable) to call up and defend themselves. None did that, but it did lead to a private chat with Lescott via direct message on twitter. At least Lescott thought it was private, Collymore later published it, then removed it a short while later and said “sorry, didn’t mean to post that, phone was in my pocket”. Touché.
 
Anyway, the conversation went thusly:

 

JL: “We need to sort this out, you think I'm a tit, I got a similar opinion of you. Tried to get in touch via Jack which you didn't want so now I'm asking you do you really wanna get together and sort this out as men?”

 

SC: “Sort it out as men? You’re not talking to some of the lightweights in the dressing room now. You'll see me in good time, probably this season. In the meantime, try not to say anything else stupid on Twitter or in post match press comments because, to be honest, the car thing was f***ing embarrassing and today to say the weight was now off the shoulders was a good insight into the shamble that is the dressing room.''
 
All very childish, and all great entertainment. To be fair to Lescott I didn’t think he was offering Collymore a straightener with his ‘sort it out like men’ comment. I think he just meant a face to face chat. At least he was prepared to try and argue his corner. Agbonlahor was out in “the big smoke” getting off his dopey face. Then again I doubt he can even read or write so he’s at something of a disadvantage there.
 
And is if all that wasn’t bad enough for Villa fans, they then had Randy Lerner posting gibberish on the club website, reminiscing about his favourite Villa memories, which were a win over Leicester a few years ago and a sponsorship deal. Great job Randy, you’ve turned them into Cleveland Villa, you fucking dolt.
 
For once Villa actually put up a fight at Old Trafford but you have to take into account the level of opposition. The mancs continue to stink the place out but pick up points they scarcely deserve, it’s like last season all over again. I’m not sure how Van Gaal does it, it’s like any time looks like he’s going to get sacked, he pulls two or three dull, uninspired wins out of his arse to save himself. They’re so bad, they were lucky to beat Villa, the bang average cunts. They had a routine 2-0 win over Palace in midweek too, as Pardew admitted his players didn’t show up as their minds are on this weekend’s cup semi final.
 
Elsewhere, Chelsea look like they’re on their summer hols now don’t they? They got swatted aside by City at the Bridge as Kevin De Bruyne showed them just what they’re missing. Aguero went home with the match ball but it was De Bruyne who everyone was talking about. In terms of bonehead moves, Chelsea letting him go to keep Oscar is right up there with us not signing Deli Alli, or Chelsea letting Lukaku go because they had Torres and Demba Ba.
 
It wasn’t a good day for Saido Berahino, who missed two penalties as the Baggies lost at home to Watford. Nothing further to say about this other than I quite like Heurelio Gomes, he’s got a friendly face.
 
Onto Sunday, and Arsenal were back to being Arsenal as they failed to build on a 1-0 lead against Palace and conceded a late equaliser at the Emirates. The first thing I thought of when that goal went in was “Yes! Arsenal fan TV is gonna be great tonight”. And it was. No doubt you’ve all seen the “blud, fam” guy, but there’s so much more to Arsenal fan TV than just that bizarre little man. Most of them are hilarious. They’re like fictional TV characters in a great comedy. I even know the names of some of the regulars now, my two favourites are probably “Heavy D” and “Claude”.
 
Heavy D is a barrel of laughs. He’s pretty unsufferable when things are going well for them but he makes up for that by how distraught he gets when they aren’t. Here’s Heavy D in all his glory….
 
 
 
There’s a lot of unrest at the Emirates now and a few thousand fans stayed away from the Palace game, and a few thousand more then skipped West Brom on Thursday night. Arsenal playing on a Thursday night? I could definitely get used to that after all their years of smugness towards Europa League teams.
 
Sadly the win over West Brom looks to have ended any chance of them missing out on the CL places and their march towards the end of season “dressing room, 4th placed celebration” selfie continues.
 
It’s got a little bit more interesting at the top now after Leicester had a wobble at home to West Ham. That was a dramatic game that one, it had a bit of everything. Leicester took the lead in the first half with just about the most Leicester goal you’ll see. Schmeichel to Mahrez, to Kante to Vardy. Goal. All in about six seconds. Then all hell broke loose.
 
All the focus was on the ref afterwards and I saw people arguing with each other on twitter about whether Vardy should have gone or not. I didn’t see it at the time as I was watching our game on a stream but I expected to see a borderline, difficult to call incident. When I eventually saw it I couldn’t believe there was actually any debate as it was as clear a case of cheating as you’ll see. 
 
The ref got it 100% right. Vardy is second only to Shane Long when it comes to pulling that sly shit. Run away from the path of the ball and across the defender to make it look like a foul. He knew what he was doing and he got found out. Instead of taking it on his rather large chin he got in the refs face and will now get an even bigger suspension. 
 
His first yellow card was extremely harsh but when you know you’re on a booking you can’t be taking chances like that and I don’t think Vardy has any cause for complaint whatsoever.
 
The other decisions were a bit less clear cut. I don’t think it’s the decisions themselves that are the problem, it’s the inconsistency. West Ham got a penalty for the kind of incident that happens in every game and almost always goes unpunished. In fact, there were more blatant ones in this game (from both sides) that weren’t given, not least when Huth was wrestled to the ground in the last minute.
 
That was a game changer as it got West Ham level at 1-1 and then Cresswell quickly put them ahead. Poor old Jon Moss got slaughtered for the injury time pen he gave Leicester as it seemed like he was just evening it up, but that was an absolute nailed on pen, although it’s only obvious from a certain angle (the angle the ref had). Carroll just barged into the lad from the side. He didn’t get the ball and he flattened the player, so that’s a pen all day.
 
I’ve seen so many horrific refereeing displays in recent years but no-one has taken the stick that Moss got for this, even though he didn’t even have a particularly bad game all things considered. I just think it’s the high importance of this particular game and that so many people are rooting for Leicester to win the title. It sticks in the the throat a bit when you see former refs putting the boot in on him too. Hypocritical snide bastards.
 
Speaking of snide bastards, it’s not been a great week so far for the Blueshite. They were fortunate to get a draw at home to Southampton having been comprehensively outplayed, and then they got embarrassed in the derby. Still, they’ve ended Origi’s season so who cares about anything else. Shower of twats.
 
One of their fans ran on to the pitch to give Martinez the Alex Nyarko treatment on Saturday but unfortunately he was stopped before reaching him. Still, “water under the bridge” now eh Bobby? Shithouse.
 
Finally, Spurs looked great on Monday night as they battered Stoke 4-0 to close the gap at the top to five points with four games to play. Kane and Alli *grinds teeth* were fantastic again.
 
Time looks to be running out for them and if Leicester beat Swansea this weekend I don’t think Spurs have much chance of catching them. Leicester’s last three games are against United, Everton and Chelsea. The first two might be tricky but what do you think Chelsea will do if there’s a chance of Spurs winning the title on the last day? 
 
We had that dilemma years ago when we faced Kenny’s Blackburn. We’ve got much higher moral standards and class than Chelsea yet even a lot of our fans were rooting against us that day. For most it was a case of hope we win and that United fuck up at West Ham, which is exactly how it went of course. Chelsea’s fans won’t have any such moral dilemma, I expect they’ll be wearing Leicester shirts and Ranieri masks. Hell, I can even see Mongo waiting on the touchline in a Leicester kit ready to “Josemi in” on the title celebrations.


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I envy Spurs fans. Not because they're challenging for the title, but because Everton Fan TV isn't a patch on the Arsenal one. Imagine the fun we'd have if the Blues had something like that.

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I envy Spurs fans. Not because they're challenging for the title, but because Everton Fan TV isn't a patch on the Arsenal one. Imagine the fun we'd have if the Blues had something like that.

Just showed her the original "...course we will mate...we're fucked" one and even she's pissing herself.

 

Not in the same perfect bite-sized chunks, but assuming you've seen this from the other day?

 

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Much longer at fifteen minutes but it has some right gems in there.

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I like that Blue. On Martinez: "He's a man on his own on an island..... with a stupid fucking haircut"

 

Hahaha that's exactly the kind of thing I'd come out with.

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Yeah he made some great points there, I could relate to him as he was just a normal lad. There's one on Arsenal Fan TV who I can relate to as well. 

 

It's the bad whoppers who deserve to be mocked repeatedly.

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