In the absence of the Dutch the Belgians took up the mantle of "biggest bunch of infighting prima donnas" at the tournament and had been at each other’s throats since losing to Italy last week, but it seems they’re all pals again now after beating the Irish.
Courtois kept his place despite what was described as a ‘furious altercation’ with coach Marc Wilmots last week, but let’s face it, Courtois would have had to murder Wilmots’ entire family before he lost his place to Mignolet.
Belgium had the better of the first half against the Irish but chances were few and far between. A refereeing decision changed the course of the game though as Shane Long got kicked in the head in the box but nothing was given and Belgium went straight up the pitch and scored through Lukaku.
In fairness, it could have gone either way but it was a difficult one for the ref to give because Alderweireld cleared the ball first and it was his follow through that caught Long, who hadn’t really gone for the ball and turned his back. I’d be pissed off if I was Irish, but I don’t think I’d have given a pen for that either. Sorry.
With Ireland now having to leave the encampment they'd set up at the edge of their own box, the game opened up for Belgium and they had chances galore. Witsel headed a second and Lukaku scored again to make it 3-0 after some woeful play by Ciaran Clark once again. The better team won, but if the ref had saw that Long incident differently then who knows.
There was some wonderful shithousery from Jeff Hendrick in this one though. Belgium were on the attack and a second ball came on the pitch well away from the play, so Hendrick passed it straight to where Hazard was dribbling to force the ref to stop the game. It cost him a yellow card, but full marks for creativity.
There was an Ireland fan dressed as Bishop Brennan. Why the hell would you do that? You’re just begging to have complete strangers line up to kick you up the arse.
Onto the second game on Saturday now, and Iceland were within a whisker of their first ever win in a major tournament but can take consolation in the fact they’re still unbeaten following a draw with Hungary. The Hungarians deserved their late equaliser but you have to feel for the lad who put through his own net. There wasn’t really much he could do about it, he had to go for it because there was a forward behind him who would have had a tap in if he hadn’t. Karma for him being such a bastard in Line of Duty….
Iceland still have a chance to go through if they can beat Austria, but it feels like their chance went with that late own goal. Austria are definitely beatable though, even if they got a draw with Portugal in the night game. The only reason they avoided defeat was because Ronaldo turned into Stuart Barlow for the night. Chance after chance went begging, and he looked like he was going to burst into tears every time he missed one. It was fucking great.
When he hit the post with a penalty, Twitter almost broke from the amount of people rushing to tweet “hahahahaha”. It was such a joyous occasion. Ronaldo failing is the one thing that unites the entire footballing world (apart from the Portuguese, Real Madrid fans and lovestruck mancs who still think they’ll get him back one day).
The difference in popularity between him and Messi is massive. Had Messi missed a pen I doubt there’d have been any kind of reaction other than surprise. Apart from Brazilians, no-one takes pleasure when things don’t go Messi’s way, but any time Ronaldo fucks up it’s party time. Not even Suarez at the height of his handball/racism/biting controversies was this unpopular.
Tell you what though, Nani missed a trick there. He should have bollocked him in front of the watching world as payback for all the times Ronaldo has given him the stink eye for missing chances or shooting instead of passing. Maybe commentators can now drop this ridiculous narrative about Ronaldo being too good for his team-mates and deserving better from them? If he’d put his chances away they’d be on six points now instead of two. The fucker has had 20 shots, which is more than some teams have had.
As much fun as it’s been laughing at him, I wouldn’t want to be that Hungary keeper now. There’ll be brown stains down the back of those grey trackies when he takes the field in a few days because Ronaldo is going to be peppering him with shots and I reckon he’ll bag a hat-trick. There’s just no chance that this bad run continues into a third game. Be ace if it does though.
Give the devil his due though, he handled the situation with the pitch invader wanting a photo with a lot of class. He could have justifiably bitch slapped the little fucker and no-one would have thought any less of him given the circumstances, but I hate him a teensy weensy bit less after how he conducted himself there.
I still can’t quite get my head around Quaresma still starting for Portugal though. What is this, 2007? Why not just wheel Simao out there too, and *John Motson voice* Nuno Gomessshhhh. Quaresma is fucking woeful and he looks like some stereotype latino gang member you’d see in a prison movie. Surprised he never took to the field wearing a white vest, stupid baggy jeans and covered in jewellery.
As for Austria, the curly haired lad in midfield (he's got a funny name that I won't even attempt to spell) played very well for them but their "star" player was even worse than Ronaldo. At least we saw Ronaldo and he was involved in the game. David Alaba did absolutely fuck all and was subbed after an hour or so. I saw he was linked with Real Madrid a few weeks ago and the fee mentioned was £90m!!
Firstly, that’s crazy money for a left back (which is presumably where they’d play him). Secondly, if a player is worth that kind of money, I’d expect to see him do at least one thing of note during the time he was on the field, particularly as he playing in a number 10 role. He’s been one of the biggest disappointments of the tournament so far, but he’s got one more game to turn it around.
Onto Sunday, and it was the first of the final group round of group games, which means two games kicking off at the same time and having to make a choice of which one to watch. In this case, I didn’t watch either. Honestly, I just couldn’t be arsed with it, believe it or not I watched ‘the Day After Tomorrow’ instead. This ‘three games a day’ thing is just too much and it’s worn me down.
I caught up on the highlights the next day and France aren’t all that are they? They’ve had two spawny late wins and now a bore draw with Swiss, who specialise in boring games. Substitute Payet went closest to breaking the deadlock when he hit the bar with a well controlled volley and he’s looking nailed on for Player of the Tournament if France can make it as far as the semis. There’s only the wonderful Iniesta who looks like he’ll give him a run for his money at the moment.
Pogba looked much more engaged in this game than he has previously though. There’s all kinds of hype about him and if he ever leaves Juve it might be for a new world record fee. He’s living proof that judging how youth players are going to turn out is not an exact science. I remember him getting sent off in a youth cup game at Anfield and he didn’t look anything special. Anyone watching that would never have believed that in five years he’d be valued at £100m. United’s coaching staff certainly had no idea.
I also remember Gerard Pique getting the runaround by Ramon Calliste (remember him?) in a ressies game. That might well have been the night Godwin Antwi lost his rag with the gobshite manc crowd who kept chanting ‘you scouse bastard’ at him, and eventually just pointed at them and yelled “SHUT UP!!” at the top of his voice. God I miss covering those ressies games, so many funny memories.
The pitch in that France game was slippier than Sepp Blatter and players' shirts were being ripped all over the place (three Swiss players ended up with their shirts in rags), while the ball burst in a 50-50 tackle during this game. Not a good night for sports manufacturers. Arsenal new boy Xhaka’s shirt ripped like tissue paper after a French player grabbed him and he quipped afterwards that “I hope Puma don’t make condoms”. Not bad.
Albania ended their group campaign with a win over Romania and they might have a chance of going through as one of the best 3rd placed teams now, which would be well deserved given how well they've played in every game. They’ve done themselves proud and along with Iceland they're the best shit team in the tournament.
Onto Monday now, and England lost their grip on top spot after they were held to a goalless draw by Slovakia as Wales were hammering the Russians in the other game. Having won only one of three games, there’s a lot of moaning about England but I reckon it’s unfair.
I don’t have a dog in the fight here as I’m not supporting them but I’m not actively rooting against them either. As an impartial observer I reckon they’ve played well and their biggest problem has been bad luck. They’re creating loads of chances and with better finishing they’d be winning these games easily. That won't last, England have better strikers than virtually everybody else in the tournament and eventually those chances are going to start going in.
I'll go out on a limb here and say they're going far, the semis at least and possibly beyond. You're waiting for a punchline aren't you? There isn't one, I'm deadly serious.
They played quite well against Slovakia, but it’s not easy when the opposition play with the kind of ambition you generally see from San Marino. Slovakia just had everyone behind the ball for the whole game, but they defended really well and Skrtel, yes Skrtel, was fantastic. That can only be a good thing as his value must have plumeted after that first game against Wales.
Clyne was the best player on the pitch though. He was my player of the year for us this season yet he never once played as well as he did in this game. He created a shitload of chances and just terrorised the left side of the Slovakians. Hendo was good too, although if I hadn’t watched the game I’d be under the impression he stank the place out based on social media. His passing was good, he was unlucky with a couple of well struck shots and he completely shut Hamsik down and made sure he wasn’t a factor in the game. Just because he can’t take a fucking corner kick doesn’t mean he had a bad game.
Lallana was great in the first half for the third game in a row. He then disappeared in the second half for the third game in a row. Sturridge was good but I have no idea where he was meant to be playing and I don’t think he did either. Hodgson doesn’t know his best team or his best formation, yet despite all that England are creating chances galore. If they had a proper coach they’d have a genuine chance of winning it.
“I never thought I’d see an England team got to a major tournament and dominate three matches” said the Hodge. You fucking what? Firstly, Slovakia and Wales elected to just get behind the ball and defend, while this is the worst Russian side anyone has ever seen. Secondly, why does he think it’s so unthinkable that England could dominate three matches? Does he think he’s still managing Switzerland? He has to be the least inspiring man on the planet.
Wales turned on the style to completely destroy that pitiful Russia team. Wales are decent when Coleman actually let’s them play and doesn’t try and play for a 0-0. Wee Joe was fucking ace again (I’m biased, but he’s in my team of the tournament to this point, taking his rightful place alongside Modric and Iniesta). He set up the first for Ramsey, generally bossed the game and even got into a bit of handbags when the Russians started acting up. He was given a standing ovation when he was rested midway through the second half. Is it just me, or would we be absolutely fucking mental letting him go? Based on how he's played in 2016, he'd be in my team every week.
Bale is now the tournament’s top scorer and after two quiet games he really turned it on in this game. Spare a thought for poor old Ronaldo though, being completely shown up by his club-mate and rival. Things are just going from bad to worse for him, the poor lamb.
Wales will be dangerous in the knock out stages, but I’m not sure I can handle too much more of their teary fans though, crying like newborn babies in games when they’re actually winning. What the fuck? Sort yourselves out you over emotional bastards.
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