Day seven was a big one for the home nations with all three teams in action. England and Wales kicked things off in the afternoon game, and although it was low on quality it was definitely high in drama.
Danny Ward said in the build up to the game that 'Wee Joe' would be looking for revenge against Milner and Lallana after six months of them ripping him about his hair. Now hold on a sec, let me get this straight. Adam “Shavey wavy” Lallana and James “same haircut since he was 12” Milner are giving Joe Allen stick about his wondrous hair and beard combo? This actually happened? I’m struggling to process this as my irony meter just fucking exploded.
It made me wonder what other 'bantz' those two have been throwing around though. Do they give Emre Can stick over his looks? Maybe they poke fun at Sakho's giant manhood or take the piss out of Sturridge for his dance moves? Self awareness is obviously not a strength of theirs.
There was a lot of talking in the build up though. Bale and Ramsey were a little bit too cocky (Bale saying no England player would get in the Wales side, which was technically true as none of them are Welsh), while Wilshere was predictably dim with his “we don’t like each other” comments. Thankfully the fans were too preoccupied with jointly fending off attacks by the Russians to fall out with each other. “Fuck off Russia, we’re England and Wales” they sang as they roamed the streets looking for stray Russians to throw plastic cups and patio furniture at. Take the Russians out of it and they’d probably have been killing each other, but this marriage of convenience prevented that so at least those mad Rooskies are good for something.
Given all the big talk from some of the Wales players though, it was disappointing to see them approach the game like some plucky lower league underdog in an FA Cup tie away at one of the big boys. I wanted Wales to win and when Sturridge scored that stoppage time goal my initial reaction was to mutter “oh fuck off”, but really Wales got exactly what they deserved for how they approached the game. You’d have thought they were playing Germany or Argentina, not a fucking Roy Hodgson side. They should still go through as Russia are fucking useless, but Coleman really needs to grow a pair as this was bad shithouse football. Hodgeball even.
Sturridge has got Hodgson off the hook for now, and there may even be some arsecandles out there hailing him for his substitutions, but the soft cunt started with Sterling again despite his abject performance against Russia. It’ll be interesting to see what he does against Slovakia. He'll probably just see what the bulk of the papers are telling him to do and then roll with that, like he usually does.
Wee Joe nutmegging Rooney in the centre circle is the best moment of the tournament and won’t be beaten. What a man. He’d have looked even better if the defenders had actually passed him the ball instead of repeatedly shitting themselves and launching it up the field to nobody. Imagine how good he’d look if he was playing for Spain and not Wales? I bet everyone in Italy is watching him and getting all nostalgic about when they had “the Italian Allen” pulling the strings in their midfield.
I felt sorry for the Welsh fans - especially my boy Jules who was over there again - but I couldn’t begrudge England that win because they were the only side trying to win the game. Sturridge is a decent bet for the Golden Boot now as he’s bound to fill his boots next week against Skrtel.
Next up was the Northern Irish. As I’m watching them I’m thinking “ok these lads are boring me to death right now”. I wasn’t blaming them, it’s completely understandable they aren’t going to knock our socks off with dazzling football and they were obviously doing the best they can with what they have available. I get that, but it doesn’t change the fact that their games were about as entertaining as watching Trevor Francis talking about how he felt watching paint dry.
They were West Brom’ing the shit out of this tournament, so it was fitting that they got their first goal not only from a set-piece, but from a set piece that was headed in by a West Brom player. Great header though and McAuley has been brilliant in both games.
After that goal they were a different side and actually began to mount some attacks that weren’t based around corner kicks. I was no longer bored. They got themselves a second goal with the last kick of the game and I’m made up for them. By the end I’d forgotten how dull it had been for a game and three quarters and I was just happy for them.
Pretty sure I heard their fans taunting Ukraine with “you’re just a small part of Russia” though. Really? That’s Adam Lallana ripping Joe Allen’s hair levels of “YOU DON'T GET TO SAY THAT!!!”.
They’ve got Germany next so it’s probably the end of the road but this ‘third place can still qualify’ bullshit keeps them in the hunt I suppose. Ukraine had looked decent in losing to the Germans but they did nothing against the Irish and those two wingers who everyone buzzes off once again flattered to deceive. I suspect they’re both a bit shit you know. Probably explains us almost buying one and reportedly being interested in the other.
The first goalless draw of the tournament came in the 18th match, as Germany were left frustrated by a well drilled Poland side. Germany had all of the ball but Poland had all of the chances. Unfortunately my main man Arkadiusz Milik completely shit the bed and missed two sitters. I don’t know which was worse, the attempted header that brushed off his cheek and went wide, or kicking it against his own foot and then falling over. If he's going to pull shit like that he needs to change his name to something less badass.
Germany have nothing at all up front, but then nobody seems to in this tournament as most of the strikers have been shite so far. Even Lewandowski fluffed the one chance that came his way, taking too long to get the shot off and seeing it blocked by his club mate Boeteng, who's been class so far. The one good defender City have signed in five years and they let him go.
Poland made three changes during the game to their midfield and attack, but the kid we’re buying still couldn’t get on. Well that’s encouraging isn’t it. I can’t shake the feeling he’s going to be shit, but then it’s probably worth taking that as a default position with any signing from now on until the club proves it deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Onto day eight now, and it looked like we were headed for a second consecutive goalless draw as Italy and Sweden were playing out a drab stalemate in the opening game of the day. One bit of quality from Eder won it for Italy in the last minute. Great goal that, I quite like what little I’ve seen of him, he looks useful.
I love that Italy back three though, they’re just absolute masters at their craft. No shots on target against them yet in two games. I could probably take Buffon’s place in goal and it wouldn’t make a difference. For the record, I can belt out the anthem like him too and frequently do around the house or in the car. Yeah that’s right, I know all the words and have done since 2006. I don’t even know all the words to the English one but I know “Fratelli d’Italia”.
You know what the best bit of it is? When you see some of the players, Chiellini for one, even singing along to the instrumental bits.. “ba da bum, ba da bum, ba da ba ba bum...Fratelli d’Italia l'Italia s'è desta...”. Just fucking ace. Most players sing the anthem because they have to. The Italians actually love singing it, maybe almost as much as I do.
Meanwhile, Zlatan was horseshit again, even managing to miss the target from a yard (or in his case a nose’s length) out. I think his shitness really goes without saying now though, I should probably only comment on him when he actually bucks the trend and plays well. So never then. The big giant shitbird.
Watching the Czechs toil away pitifully without any kind of attacking quality I suddenly remembered that there was a player for them in the last Euros and the World Cup who I really liked. I couldn’t remember his name, only that he looked like a pirate. Typing in Czech pirate brought up nothing of note, but I managed to eventually figure out who he was through looking at the Fifa website for the last World Cup. Jiracek was his name, and for some reason he’s not in this tournament. Garrrrrr. As a result the Czechs stink, although they somehow managed to come back from the dead to get a draw with Croatia, despite being battered for virtually the entire game.
My boy Perisic put Croatia ahead with a great goal. He’s fucking boss him. He plays for Inter, so that automatically means he’d be gettable because there’s only Juve in that league who can keep their better players out of the clutches of Premier League clubs. We won’t go for him though, as people have actually heard of him so that rules him out. Makes far more sense to get the guy at the very end of the Polish bench or some under 21 player who’s boss on footy manager.
Rakitic made it 2-0 with a classy finish and although Skoda pulled one back for the Czechs (good engine on him etc etc) it was all very comfortable for Croatia until their fans lobbed a load of flares on the pitch and then started fighting with each other. Clatters absolutely lives for this shit, nothing makes him happier than being able to exude his calm authority and he was strutting around the field letting everyone know he was in control of the situation.
There was a lengthy stoppage and then in the nine minutes of time added on at the end, the Czech’s equalised when eagle eyed Clatters spotted a handball in the box and gave a pen, which was emphatically thumped home by Necid. Proper blueshite behaviour from Croatia fans that, seeing their team punished in the time added on because of their misbehaviour.
It’s not just as straightforward as knobheads wanting to cause trouble though, there are reasons behind all the shit the Croatians keep doing and it looks like those who threw flares onto the pitch were actually trying to get their team thrown out of the tournament. They might get their way too, as this isn’t their first offence. My boy Perisic was right next to a fire cracker when it went off and he wasn’t pulling any punches afterwards, saying “maybe it’s best that we don’t play at all than that these things keep happening”. A stand up guy, but it would be a shame if they got kicked out because in him, Modric and Rakitic they’ve got three of the most enjoyable players to watch in the tournament. That Mandzukic is a fucking dog though. He’s like an even shitter Zlatan.
I’m going back and forth on “Better Call Slav” during this tournament. I’m leaning towards thinking he’s ace and if he left the whole Payet love in thing at the door I’d probably think he’s the best thing to happen to ITV since the A-Team back in the 80s. I especially like the way he reaches across and puts his arm on whoever is sat next to him while he’s talking, as if to say “don’t you fucking interrupt me you cunt or I’ll rip your stupid face off”. The Payet stuff gets on my fucking tits though and so I’d have to say Craig Bellamy is the jewel in the ITV crown. He’s great, I wish he was my mate. Fuck that Lothar Matthaus twat though, I’ve never liked him the arrogant little short arse.
One minute into the Spain game Sergio Ramos got a yellow card. Two minutes in, Tony Pulis on commentary started bemoaning the quality of set-pieces in the competition, revealing he’s been paying close attention to them. I’m not sure which of those two things surprised me the least. Only Tony fucking Pulis could go to a tournament like this and obsess over corner kicks. Fucking alehouse twat.
Spain are usually all fart and no shit, but against the Turks they carried much more of a threat in front of goal. I put that down to Turkey defending like… well.. Turkeys. For a country that’s completely batshit mental about footy, they're a bit shit aren’t they? Arda Turan bore the brunt of the fans frustrations as they booed the hell out of him in the second half, but fair play, he was milking it like a WWE bad guy. He also didn’t so much as break into a jog after that, he played the last half an hour at walking pace, and his every touch was booed. Expect a bid from Vince McMahon after the tournament.
Turan is one of those players who I always hear people saying how boss he is, but I’ve never seen him do anything at all. How did he ever get a move to Barca? Was it just them showing off that they could buy players even though there was a transfer embargo on them? Apparently he was great at Atletico, yet on the handful of occasions I watched them he seemed to only be a sub.
The young lad Emre Mor looked useful in the first game and it was disappointing - although perhaps understandable - that he didn’t get on in this one. We were linked with him but he signed for Dortmund instead. That Portuguese left back I liked has also signed for Dortmund after being linked with us. Fucking Dortmund, they’re turning into the new Spurs, nicking all our transfer targets.
Tell you what has been great in this tournament so far. The refereeing, and not just our man Clatters. They’ve been great so far, there’s not really been any contentious decisions and they’ve got virtually all the big calls right. It’ll never last, and by the time of the next round up I bet a ref has dropped a big old hairy bollock somewhere, but as of now the refs have performed better than most of the big name players *cough* Zlatan *cough* Ronaldo.
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