Allowing most of the third placed losers to go through is a bit shit and probably devalues the competition, but despite that I’m made up that Northern Ireland and the Republic both sneaked through the back door into the knockouts. They had difficult groups and both finished above sides they had no real right to be finishing above, so good for them.
Northern Ireland got through despite losing to Germany. Losing was fine, keeping the score down was the important thing and they did that thanks to the keeper who had himself a day. As with most of their players, I’d never heard of him before this tournament but he’s made himself a household name now (although I can’t actually recall his name without googling it, so perhaps not!).
Mind you, so has Will Grigg and he hasn’t even set foot on the field yet. Maybe sing about some of the players who are actually giving you something to cheer about, eh lads? Just sayin’. Or at least change the words to the Grigg song. “Will Grigg’s got splinters, he’s got splinters in his arse Will Grigg’s got splinters…. na na na na na”
Zielinski finally got on the pitch as Poland beat Ukraine in the other afternoon game, not that anyone noticed as he did fuck all before getting the hook at half time. I’m not gonna lie, I’m massively underwhelmed about this one (and was way before this poor display), especially as it looks like he’s going to be a replacement for Wee Joe. Here’s an idea, instead of selling Allen and buying someone not as good, how about we keep him? Or failing that, y’know, sell him and buy someone who is clearly better, and not gamble on this jabroni?
Ukraine didn’t even score a single goal in three games, the bunch of absolute wastrels. They’re even worse than Russia, and that takes some doing.
Onto the night games now, and Croatia took on Spain without their star man Modric but they still had enough to stick it right up Spain’s smug, fancy dan, tiki taka playing arses. They deserved it too, they were the better side for most of the game and even though they - like Spain - were already through to the knock out stages, they played like they weren’t and got their reward. Spain on the other hand, started the game like they meant business and took an early lead through Morata, but when Croatia didn’t roll over for them they just played like they were waiting for the final whistle.
My boy Perisic set up Kalinic for the equaliser just before half time and I feel like not enough is being made of this goal. That was an absolutely gorgeous finish but everyone seemed to be like “oh look, Spain have conceded a goal”. Look at the finish, it was fucking fantastic! The lad jumped in the air and then just cushioned the ball in with the outside of his foot. It was brilliant technique and body control, but everyone seemed to be acting like it just a routine tap in. If knob cheese Zlatan had done that we’d never hear the last of it. Of course he didn’t do that, he only does shit like that in low profile games when most of us are not watching, the big phoney.
Anyway, Croatia looked like the only side trying to win the game in the second half but Spain got a ridiculous penalty as finally a referee in this tournament dropped a bollock. The standard of officiating has been great up to now, but this ref is a twat. I don’t like his face and his mannerisms, he looks like a right arrogant cunt and the penalty he gave Spain was a joke. Thankfully he made amends by allowing the Croatian keeper to run out to the edge of the six yard box and narrow the angle as Ramos took the pen. Fuck you Ramos. Centre halves aren’t meant to look like catalogue models.
Croatia’s right winger Pjaca was impressive. He’s only 21 and he’s about to join Fiorentina after the tournament apparently. Exciting player, he gave Spain a lot of problems. It was the left winger who proved to be the difference though, as Perisic delivered again by running through on the break and beating De Gea at his near post. De Gea has looked ropey all tournament, he’s not had much to do but he looks uncharacteristically jittery. Maybe that sex case thing has effected him? You know what they say, pimping ain’t easy…
Perisic rules though, he's my new Hector Herrera (my boy from the last World Cup). I’d love to see him bombing up and down our left flank, with a map of Liverpool shaved into his head. Won't happen though, not unless Southampton buy him in which case we might sign him for twice as much in a year or two. When Morata tried to get into it with Croatia’s young defender, Perisic just walked over and grabbed him by the face and then wagged his finger at him to warn him off. Morata immediately cooled his jets. That’s ma boy.
Croatia sucker punching Spain like that could prove costly to the Spanish and has worked out great for Croatia, who have a relatively straightforward route to the final. Instead of being in the easy half of the draw and preparing to face a disappointing Portugal side, Spain now have to go up against Italy and if they get through that they’ve got the likes of France and Germany to deal with. That game against Italy will be a fucking snoozefest though. Nailed on to finish 0-0 and go to pens, probably with Spain going through as Italy always go out on pens, the unlucky bastards.
The other game in the group saw Turkey reach the last 16, which I’m irrationally pissed off about. Seriously, it’s putting a real downer on the whole tournament for me. The shitty third placed thing is a bad idea overall but I’m ok with it when plucky underdogs like the two Irelands go through, but deadbeats like Turkey, Slovakia and Portugal should be out and don’t deserve a second chance.
Turkey have been been fucking putrid but they go through just because they beat a God awful Czech side. Albania are much more deserving than them but they’re going home. Instead of the third placed teams with the best points / goal difference going through, they should just let me decide who goes through, I’d be happy to do it and can think of few things better than telling Ronaldo to take his preening, tantrum throwing arse back home.
Speaking of the self absorbed one, I’d tipped him for a hat-trick against Hungary but he had to settle for just the two and an assist for Nani. Hell of a game though, Hungary led three times but Portugal kept fighting back and the draw was enough for them to qualify, even though they didn’t win a single group game. Poor Albania missed out so these under achieving wankstains could stay in.
Ronaldo’s toys came out of the pram twice in the opening ten minutes, both times because of Nani not passing to him. He also lost his cool with a reporter on the morning of the game too, taking his microphone and lashing into a nearby lake. Just when I thought he couldn’t possibly be more obnoxious, he goes and does something like this….
AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF!!!
Over in the other game, Iceland took the lead against Austria survived a missed penalty before eventually conceding an equaliser, and then won it right at the death on a counter attack to secure a date with England in the last 16. They were understandably ecstatic but the result landed them in the difficult half of the draw and they may have been better served going through in third. They’ve been great though haven’t they? The story of the tournament so far for me.
England were all set to face Portugal until that Iceland winner. All the pro-England pundits seemed delighted about this perceived let off, but based on how the group games have gone they may have actually been better off facing Portugal. As it is, they’re up against another team like Slovakia and Wales who’ll park the bus and won’t make it easy for them, and not just that, Iceland’s players are like men possessed. They’re on a mission, and England are on a hiding to nothing next week. I expect them to go through, but it won’t be pretty.
With the group already won, Italy rested everyone against Ireland and they were deservedly beaten. Ireland are obviously light on talent and flair but they stuck at it and the one player they have who isn’t short on quality, Robbie Brady, popped up with a late winner. Seconds earlier Wes Hoolahan had shit himself and missed an absolute sitter, so he owes Brady a pint for getting him off the hook. You know, every time I type ‘Hoolahan’ my autocorrect changes it to ‘hooligan’ and I have to change it back. It’s a pain in the arse, but it got me wondering, do the Spanish call trouble making fans ‘Hoolahans’?
The ref was shite in this game, denying Ireland a stonewall pen when McLean was barged over from behind. He also booked Long for laughing. Really bizarre that one. The keeper was being a massive shithouse and Long started laughing right in his face, basically mocking him for being a massive fanny. The keeper shoved him and they both got booked, much to Long's bewilderment. Can you book someone for laughing?
The scenes at full time were brilliant, even I got a little bit emotional for them. The last time I got this emotional with anything Ireland related was the last ever episode of Father Ted when Dougal is saying they'll be together "for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..." Hell, even Roy Keane looked like he might be about to shed a tear and Buffon coming over and hugging him and O’Neill was fucking great. That’d bring a tear to a glass eye that. I love Buffon, he might be the manliest man on the planet. He even managed to get away with putting hair clips in during the World Cup without losing a single, solitary man point. Who else could pull that off? Nobody, that's who. What a man.
In the other game, Naingollan hit a late winner as Belgium ensured Zlatan’s international career ended in a fitting way: with him doing fuck all and losing. What an absolute bum. Watch Sweden soar in the next few years now they’ve got rid of that giant anchor that’s been holding them down.
So, that’s the group stages done then and we now know the line ups for the knockout rounds, and there are some interesting match ups. Not happy that we’re back to three games a day though, as it’s almost impossible to swing that, especially of a weekend when you’re expected to do family shit. UEFA are selfish, inconsiderate bastards. Just play them over three days instead of two, you knobs.
So prediction time then. I’ll go for Wales to play Croatia in the semis, with Croatia winning it and then meeting Germany in the final, after the Germans knocked out England in their semi. Yes, that’s right, I’m tipping England to edge past Iceland (after extra time) and then shock the world by beating France in the quarters.
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