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Birmingham 2005
Stu Montagu asking the questions...
This latest instalment of the government funded social experiment that is "Sleeping With The Enemy" has uncovered truths that you would never expect and sunk to lows that you would almost certainly anticipate by now.
We delved into areas of mystery as wild and wonderful as Emile Heskey, Robbie Savage, Salif Diao and the difficult choice between Nigerian tricksters and inflatable safety devices. Confused? You will be.
The man supplying the ammunition for us is Brian Cartlidge from Birmingham fans website singingtheblues.com. Enjoy.
So, what are your ambitions for the rest of the season then?
At the moment we are looking at gaining enough points to be sure of staying up! Despite expectations of a top six finish at the beginning of the season I'd be happy to finish as high as we did last year – 10th.
Who should we be keeping an eye out for as your danger men?
New signing Walter Pandiani has been playing well since his loan signing from Deportivo and Jermaine Pennant will cause problems to most defences if he's on song. Watch out for Heskey too!
Yes, if you're not careful he might fall onto you! And who are the weak links that we can take advantage of (we have an idea by the way, mentioning no Senegalese midfielders)?
Maik Taylor in goal. He's hesitant and his kicking leaves a lot to be desired.too.
Who are the Liverpool players that you think will trouble you most?
Steven Gerrard – he tore us apart at St Andrew's last season and obviously Morientes.
And which of our players don't you rate at all?
Jamie Carragher – Always thought him over-rated.
Well he's not. First you take Heskey off our hands then you decide to loan Salif "The Sheriff" Diao off us for 6 months, I have no rational explanation for this, do you?
Well it's doubtful that Diao will play but with the injuries we had in the centre of midfield we were desperate to get replacements in. Heskey has also been out for a fortnight with an Achilles injury but is desperate to play against you. Why did you sell him – he's awesome!
Are you insane man? Who are the fans that you have most disliked this season and why?
Portsmouth – The media claim they are great but from what I've seen and heard they only have one song.
Any supporters in particular impress you with their wit, enthusiasm and clever songs?
I don't much like the team but West Brom have always brought good humoured away support to our ground. Leeds United too.
Have you got any decent chants that will impress us when we come to St.Andrews?
The anthem 'keep right on to the end of the road' and plenty of anti-Villa songs too! Chant of the season so far has to be "I'd rather have a dingy than Kanu" sung by Birmingham Fans against West Brom.
Not just in shipwreck situations either I presume, good effort there chaps. As a neutral looking in from outside, what is your view of the never-ending story that is the "Gerrard to Chelsea" soap opera?
I have a feeling he'll stay at Liverpool but only as long as you qualify for the Champions league.
Damn that film had a good theme tune…ahem. Give us your take on the Robbie Savage saga?
Savage conned the fans. He signed a new contract in the summer after saying he wanted to end his career at Blues. It was inevitable though that he would move to Blackburn Rovers as soon as Mark Hughes and our old coach Mark Bowen took over there. We have yet to play them at home this season so if he plays it should be interesting.
We have the might of Jamie Carragher, do you have a club legend that all the fans love for their attitude?
That was Savage to most but he's gone now. Can't agree that Carragher is mighty!!
Heretic, Kill the unbeliever, persecute! Do you have any parasites on the books that need to be gotten off them?
Not really although Dwight Yorke, who I'm sure is probably on a high salary, has done little or nothing since joining in the summer.
From what I've read he's off to Australia soon. Do you have any youngsters that might make it big in the future?
Darren Carter has just broken into the first team again and is highly thought of and we have a good few youngsters at reserve team level too. Neil Kilkenny, who is currently on loan at Oldham looks a good prospect.
And a walking, talking South Park joke to boot. So Pandiani plays for you for 1 day and is quoted as saying he doesn't want to be in the city, then goes and scores on his debut. Busy boy isn't he?
The quotes attributed to Pandiani have been refuted. He's played two games up to now and his class shows. Lets hope we Brummies can convince him his future lies in Birmingham.
There are currently wristbands being made to support and publicise the Hillsborough Justice Campaign, do you think there would be much support from the wider football world for them?
I doubt it.
I see. Mourinho; Needs deporting or needs a statue building in his honour?
Deportation now that the Ashley Cole poaching affair has come to light.
Give us your player and young player of the season up to this point?
Mario Melchiot and Darren Carter
And finally, who is going to be walking away with which trophies at the end of the season?
I still think Man Utd can catch Chelsea at the top of the Premier League and I think you'll beat Chelsea in the Carling Cup Final. I can't see a side outside of the Premier League winning the FA Cup so I'll take a punt on Spurs for that!
Thanks for that Brian, much appreciated…now where was that Never-ending Story album?
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