Four lads from Merseyside who changed music forever

[Faustus]

They need no introduction but I'll give them one anyway.

I speak of four lads who changed music forever. It seems to be trendy to slag them off as "dated" or "over-rated" nowadays but a quick flick through their back catalogue quickly washes over such unsubstantiated criticism. Their names trip off the tongue of every local lad and every music lover the world over. Even the mere mention of their first names brings about hushed tones in a certain reverance. They had everything. Cool, charisma, attitude, the rock and roll image, but most of all, they had the tunes to back it all up.

It could be argued that they've infuenced every major band since. Elements of their music can be found in even the most obscure band and if it weren't for them, popular music as we know it would be totally different. They truly are legends of both music and Merseyside.

So I pose these boards the question:








































































































Is anybody else a fan of Half Man Half Biscuit?

[The-Sir]

Well seeing this at the very bottom of the page with absolutely no replies... I guess not!

[RJ Fan club]

I always loved neds atomic dust bin.

[The Chief]

All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit.

I've always wanted to know, is that title a piss take of the bitters? The mighty Dukla Prague knocked that lot out of the UEFA cup in the '80s.

[Faustus]

There was one in the gang who had Scalextric
And because of that he thought he was better than you
Everyday after school you would go round there to play it
Hoping to compete for some kind of championship
But it always took about fifteen billion hours to set the track up
And even when you did the thing never seemed to work

It was a dodgy transformer again and again
A dodgy transformer again and again
It was a dodgy transformer again and again
A dodgy transformer that cost three pound ten

So he'd send his doting mother up the stairs with the stepladders
To get the Subbuteo out of the loft
He had all the accessories required for that big match atmosphere
The crowd and the dugout and the floodlights too
You'd always get palmed off with a headless centre forward
And a goalkeeper with no arms and a face like his

And he'd managed to get hold of a Dukla Prague away kit
'cause his uncle owned a sports shop and he'd kept it to one side
And after only five minutes you'd be down to ten men
'cause he'd sent off your right back for taking the base from under his left winger
And come to half time you were losing four-nil
Each and every goal a hotly disputed penalty
So you'd smash up the floodlights and the match was abandoned
And the dog would bark and you'd be banned from his house
And your travelling army of synthetic supporters
Would be taken away from you and thrown in the bin

Now he's working in a job with a future
He hands me my giro every two weeks
And me I'm on the lookout for a proper transformer .....

Pure poetry.

[Thants]

Time goes by when I'm a driver of a train . . .

[JER]

I hate Neris Hughes.

[Faustus]

Well I heard a lovely rumour,
That Bette Midler had a tumor,
So gleefully I went to tell my friends.
But they said it was a lie,
That she wasn't going to die,
"And by the way, have we got news for you!"

And they told me that the man
That I had always billed as "Dad",
Hadn't met my "Mum" when I was born.
And they reckon that I am,
But I hope to God I'm not,
The bastard son of Dean Friedman,
The bastard son of Dean Friedman.

And my school-work fell behind
With this bombshell on my mind.
Me art teacher said he understood.
But he could only sympathise
With the sadness in my eyes,
Even though he'd shown my his Magerite!

And in the "Corridors of Fear"
I would shed a lovely tear,
As ridicule flew at me from both sides.
And they mocked me in my mocks,
And embroidered in my socks,
The bastard son of Dean Friedman,
The bastard son of Dean Friedman.

Supercalifragilistic, {? Barishnamakaclapback. ?}

And you can thank your lucky stars that you're not
The bastard son of Dean Friedman,
The bastard son of Dean Friedman.

[AngryofTuebrook]

The four lads who shook the Wirral are the greatest band ever. Who else uses words like "runnel" or "swain"?

She stayed with me until
She moved to Notting Hill
She said it is the place she needs to be
Where the cocaine is Fair Trade
And frequently displayed
Is the Buena Vista Social Club CD

I thought she'd be back in three weeks
And we'd go wandering the Peaks
Sojourn in my Uncle Joe's ashram
For when you're in Matlock Bath
You don't need Sylvia Plath
Not when they've got Mrs Gibson's jam

Alas I'm brooding alone by the runnel
While she's in Capri with her swain
And the light at the end of the tunnel
Is the light of an oncoming train

Well we both grew up in Eyam
And strange as it might seem
Neither of us thought we'd ever leave
But the beak in Leek is weak
And she's moved in, so to speak
With featureless TV producer Steve

And now it's all Eva Cassidy
And aphids in Picardy
And so I can only ascertain
That the light at the end of the tunnel
Is the light of an oncoming train

(No frills, Handy for the hills, That's the way you spell New Mills)

Alas I'm brooding alone by the runnel
While she's in Capri with her swain
And the light at the end of the tunnel
Is the light of an oncoming train

Yes the light at the end of the tunnel
Is the light of an oncoming......
Old time religion,
Gimme that old time religion,
Gimme that old time religion,
It's good enough for me.

[MAC5]

There no Jay Z though, are they

[Redder Lurtz]

Originally Posted by RJ Fan club

I always loved neds atomic dust bin.

Neds ruled big time. Saw them play at the Bizarre Festival in Lorelei in 1992. Carter played too. More awesomeness.

[bossy]

The Referees Alphabet

The A is for my authority
which many players seem to question,
thinking theyre somehow going to make me change my mind
B is for babies
which a lot of managers cry like
after a decision has not gone their way
C is for the continual criticism i recieve from the touchline
get back in your technical area!
D is for the dunderheads
who seem to think we have a conspiracy
against their particular team
E is for the eery silence that echoes around the ground
after I've booked the home teams player
and its obvious to everyone that he deserved it
F is the farce into which most games would descend if we werent there
The G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on 90,000 a week
and reckoned he should have had a throw in
H is for handball
which has to be intentional and very rarely is
if only people would study the rules more
I is for innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender
after theyve just scythed down that tricky winger
J is for ju-jitsu, which i quite intend to display given a dark alley
and some of the narky blerts ive encountered
K is for the kissing of the badge
how ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyre at another club
L is for lip reading, at which you dont need to be an expert
to see how odious some people are
M is for the mistakes we sometimes make
surely a bit of controversy is part of the games appeal
The N, the N is for the numbskull who during the boxing day game
asks me what else i got for christmas besides my whistle
an afternoon with your wife mate
The O is for offside
which many forwards tell me they simply could not have been
The P is for the penalty shootout
great drama and no pressure on me
Q is the quiet word i sometimes need to have
with some of the more fiery participants
i usually choose the word 'pleat'
R is for running backwards
a difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate
S is for the suggestion that i should have awarded a card of some sort
to a player whos just been awarded a free kick
sorry i got all that wrong the S again
okay the S, the S is the suggestion that i should show a card to an opponent
by a player whos been awarded a free kick
he himself is more in danger of getting one for that
T is for the 21 man brawl
whiuch is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving
U is for the umpire which i sometimes wish id been instead
you never hear a cricket crowd shouting whos the bastard in the hat
The V is for vitriol vilification vendetta and volley of verbal abuse
some good bird noises there by the way
W is for walter pidgeon
whos mr Griffiths in 'how green was my valley'
i may have started to sound like during this song
'where was the light i thought to see in your eye'
he says that to a young huw played by roddy McDowall
The X
The X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by the swarthy potugese center half
who i just dismissed
The Y is for Yate
the kind of town referees come from
And the Z
Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff
Even Zondervan
but is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work
without this zest for the game we wouldnt become refs
and without refs, well zero
See also Zatopek, Zeus
and Zeal Monachorum
I have a caravan there
static naturally
Wouldnt it be fun if the gave the ref a gun

[Cunny]

They’ve got the whole world in their house
They’ve got the whole wide world in their house
They’ve got the whole world in their house
To see the new conservatory

They go ten pin bowling after work
They go ten pin bowling after work
They go ten pin bowling after work
And they’re getting married on a Caribbean beach

They’ve got a German shepherd dog called Prince
They’ve got a German shepherd dog called Prince
They’ve got a German shepherd dog called Prince
The one called Sheba died

They know where things are in B&Q
They know where things are in B&Q
They know where things are in B&Q
And they’ve got The Joy Of Sex video

If I were a linesman
I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides

They were due on the Crystal Maze
Yeah, they were due to go on the Crystal Maze
Yeah, they were due on the Crystal Maze
But they got mugged in Florida

They went up in a hot air balloon
They declared their love in a hot air balloon
Yeah, they drank champagne in a hot air balloon
And had a row on New Year’s Eve

They’ve got nothing but total respect for
They’ve got nothing but total respect for
They’ve got nothing but total respect for
Annie Lennox

And if I’d known they were coming, I’d have slashed me wrists

Note - there have been many live variations on the song, the most well-known being this one, recorded for a BBC Session in 2004:

They’ve got the whole world in their house
They’ve got the whole wide world in their house
They’ve got the whole world in their house
To see the new conservatory

They didn’t choose their cat, their cat chose them
They didn’t choose their cat, their cat chose them
They didn’t choose their cat, their cat chose them
And what do you know - it’s got its own website

They made some real good friends on Henman Hill
They made some real good friends on Henman Hill
They made some good friends on Henman Hill
And now they all meet up for boxercise

They buy soup in cartons, not in tins
They buy soup in cartons, not in tins
They buy soup in cartons, not in tins
And keep a torch in the back of their car

They go to one-day cricket in fancy dress
They go to one-day cricket in fancy dress
They go to one-day cricket in fancy dress
And choose the pub that’s got the ball pond for the kids

They treat the Mercury Music Prize with awe
They treat the Mercury Music Prize with awe
They treat the Mercury Music Prize with awe
Obviously that’s just jealousy on my part

They seem to think it’s a really good idea
They seem to think it’s a really good idea
They seem to think it’s a really good idea
To hire a stretch limousine

He gets over-emotional when he’s drunk
He gets all too emotional when he’s drunk
He gets over-emotional when he’s drunk
And says “I tell you what mate, that baby changed me life”

If I’d known they were coming, I’d have slashed me wrists

[Faustus]

I fancy i'll open a stationers,
Stock quaint notepads for weekend pagans,
While you were out at the Rollright stones,
I came and set fire to your shed,

Cos you probably work in an all night garage,
you probably work in an all night garage,
You probably work in an all night garage with Talk radio on,

And you Curse my soul if i dont want petrol,
Curse my soul if i dont want petrol,
I only came down for a tube of pringles,
Sour Cream 'n' Chive,

And because yo've got to get up off your fat arse to go and get my crisps,
And you've gotta go around the counter,
And its really ... Inconvienient,
And when you come back you toss them into the sliding metal tray device thingy that separates us,
And you say one pound thirty five,
As opposed to That'll be one pound thirty five please sir,


This is of course done to annoy me,
But has the opposite affect of amusing me no end,
Because suddenly i've got other things to buy,

I'll two scotch eggs and a jar of marmite,
two scotch eggs and a jar of marmite,
two scotch eggs and a jarof marmite,
What sandwhiches have you got?

Well now you become quite irate,
and your voice becomes louder and you start to sound like Leadbelly at the depot,

I GOT HAM,

I GOT CHEESE,

I GOT CHICKEN,

I GOT BEEF,

I GOT TUNA SWEETCORN

I GOT TUNA SWEETCORN,

I'll have ten kitkats and a motoring atlas,
ten kitkats and a motoring atlas,
And a blue cd on the hallmark label,
thats sure to be good,

Oh he went to play golf on a sunday morning,
Just a mile and a half from town,
His head was found on the driving range,
And his body has never been found

[The Economist]

And here was silly old me thinking "at last, a thread about the awesomeness that was Cast..."