Crank email

[Elmyn Noos]

Regular listeners will be aware of the Noos fondness for the irreverent crank email to various celebrity chefs, celeb slags, and various plc's, blaming them for all sorts, and making frankly outrageous demands of them to put things right.

As this place is usually fairly quiet of a Friday afternoon, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to fire off a crank email and see if you can illicit a response. Probably better not to do it from your work email unless you don't like working there.

For inspiration, a format that usually works for me is to think of something, the more irrational the better, that pisses you off. You then apportion blame to a person or organisation, again using whichever tangiential logic suits, and you contact them via their website, post your message here and any response you get.

The trick is not to rant or get abusive, but to put your case to them as to why whatever ill in the world it is you blame them for, why it is all their fault, and then make a wholly unreasonable and disproportionate demand of them to right the wrong.

For example, on another thread I wrote to Hallmark cards demanding compensation because I didn't get laid after a buying a valentine card from them. To kill a few minutes now, I am writing to Lacoste and Lonsdale blaming them for chav culture and yob behaviour because they retail the clothing that these youths wear. I will be asking that in the name of Corporate Social Responsibility, they introduce a refined line of clothing to get kids wearing smoking jackets with cravates. Thus even the most ASBOic of antisocial miscreants will be more likely to be found quaffing a fine cognac and smoking a large cigar rather than stealing cars and beating up old people. For this idea, I am asking for £1.3million and a cap.

If you hate people that use text speak, write to Vodaphone demanding they incorporate spellcheck, and send you some money. If it's people that drive inconsiderately, then clearly the DVLA owe you quite a large sum of compensation.

Template: Pet hates - who's fault is it - send me money.

[odris]

Who do i contact over back of the bus seats which allow chavs to smoke weed/ play really loud music, they wouldn't do it if they were near the front.

[Elmyn Noos]

Originally Posted by odriscoll Who do i contact over back of the bus seats which allow chavs to smoke weed/ play really loud music, they wouldn't do it if they were near the front.

I would email Leyland or whoever it is that actually manufacture the buses, and demand they either make short buses, Smart buses if you like, or buses so wide that everyone is sat on the front seat in one long line. That will mean there is no back seat culture. For this idea, I don't think £2.4million is an unreasonable amount.

[Section_31]

Sent this to Downing Street a while back and got the below response...

Dr Mr Brown I feel I must enter into corespondence with you regarding the Sunday evening TV Show, Heartbeat. Firstly, Heartbeat is set in the 60s - which was only a decade long - and yet this show has been on our screens now for 18 years. Not only do I find this patronising and insulting, I also find it deeply offensive. Furthermore, I find it something of an outrage that each episode begins with a Beatles 'homage' as the Beatles were from Liverpool and not Yorkshire. As a Liverpudlian born and bred I find this deeply insulting to not only my own town, but also to my mother, who lived through the 60s and states that yorkshire of that era was a distinctly Beatles-free zone. I am aware, Mr Brown, that ITV - like all major corporations these days - is under the yoke of the moneymen (especially advertisers - for Michael Ball CDs and what not) however, I firmly believe that finally ending this grossly offensive show is firmly in the public interest.

Got this back

Hi, I'm sorry to inform you that your petition has been rejected. Your petition was classed as being in the following categories: * Outside the remit or powers of the Prime Minister andGovernment * Intended to be humorous, or has no point about governmentpolicy If you wish to edit and resubmit your petition, please followthe following link: http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/BanHeartb...sRXEeip9iAtBRz You have four weeks in which to do this, after which yourpetition will appear in the list of rejected petitions

[madstock]

Fired off to Net Manufacturers UK.

Dear Sir, It is with the utmost regret and some trepidation that I have today made the decision to take pen to paper (or rather finger to button) and contact you about a matter that has had a profound affect on my life. As an elderly gentleman with no real interest in modern invention, it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with cyderspace as they call it. For years my acquaintances have been urging that I "get on the net", and experience the vast wealth of informational material that is available. Eventually, whilst at a meeting of the West Midlands branch of the Macrame Society I gave in to pressure and allowed an acquaintance (Norman Tyler - you may have heard of him, he is huge in macrame circles) to connect me to the net, as he explained to me that there are a myriad of macrame web-sights available for me to explore. This meant that I had to purchase one of those computators, however a very eager young man in PC World helped me choose the correct one - who would have thought that I needed to spend £3000 just to look at some macrame! I digress, and apologise - it is hard for me to focus at this time as the procurement of said computator, and the events directly thereafter have shaken me somewhat. After the gentleman from the GPO had fitted my AIDSL line, I was left with the tools to further research into my hobby, and managed to find several web-sights with ease - All Your Macrame Needs: Macrame Patterns, Macrame Instructions & Suppliers being added to my list of favourites. Things were however about to take a turn for the worse, as I then started to look for web-sights that dealt with Persian cats (I have two, Adolf and Benito), and in particular the problems associated with keeping their lustrous fur in fine fettle. You can therefore imagine my horror when I searched on the websight google for "Grooming young pussy" and was confronted with images that would make a sailor blush. I have already had two major heart operations, but nothing prepared me for the scenes that were put before me. It is for this reason that I write to you - as you are the self-proclaimed "no.1 UK-based manufacturer and direct supplier of all types of nets and netting", I would very much like you to clean the net, and remove all trace of this scurrilous filth. Poor Mary Whitehouse appears to have died in vain. I am copying this e-post to my local Member of Parliament, BBC Watchdog and Mr William Gates, who I believe is a member of your Net Organization. I do not require any financial recompense, but would be very grateful for an apology, and notification when you have completed this clean-up operation. Kind Regards, Arthur Fulstaff (Major.)

[Spy Bee]

Originally Posted by Elmyn Noos I would email Leyland or whoever it is that actually manufacture the buses, and demand they either make short buses, Smart buses if you like, or buses so wide that everyone is sat on the front seat in one long line. That will mean there is no back seat culture. For this idea, I don't think £2.4million is an unreasonable amount.

Ask them to rotate the seats 90 degrees, thus making the bus only four rows deep.

I may have to have a go at this later. It seems like lots of fun.

[Elmyn Noos]

Just fired off to Lacoste..

Dear sir/madam,
I write as concerned citizen and upstanding member of a society that seems to be in serious decline. It seems like every other day we hear stories about serious crimes being committed by a youth culture that seems to feed on yobbery and general unruly behaviour.
It is my firm belief that this culture of crime has grown as a result of your line of clothing. The fact of the matter is that most of your clothes end up hanging on the rails of rather shabby "discount sportswear" outlets. It is here that the aforementioned miscreants purchase the latest in hooded teeshirted tracksuited dodgy baseball capped "fashion". Thence, they head for "the streets" where they compete for ASBO measured kudos with their contemporaries.
Ergo, Lacoste is responsible for the increase of criminality. Why not show a bit of CSR and bring out a line of smoking jackets and cravates? Smarter kids = crime free streets. For this idea I would like £1.2 million please and retention of design rights.

[captainharris]

Sent to Kroenburg

Dear Sirs,

Having purchased 12 cans of your beverage last weekend I feel I have reason to complain and seek compensation.

The reasons are thus:

- The more I drank the more my balance, speech, emotions and ability to retain my kebab deteriorated
- I awoke the following morning with a crippling headache
- My friends no longer wish to socialise with me as they believe that my attempts to break dance are "rather embarrassing".

I believe your company should fill its cans with something a little less damaging to peoples lives. Maybe water or milk could be used as a substitute?

Thankfully, I've come through my experience relatively unharmed (except for a graze on my knee from attempting 'the worm'), others may not be as fortunate.

I would suggest suitable compensation would be to offer me another 12 cans, this will therefore offer me the opportunity to drink them all again and prove to my friends that I can not make a fool out of myself again.

Yours Sincerely

Mr. Harris (Cptn)

[Elmyn Noos]

Originally Posted by captainharris Sent to Kroenburg Dear Sirs, Having purchased 12 cans of your beverage last weekend I feel I have reason to complain and seek compensation. The reasons are thus: - The more I drank the more my balance, speech, emotions and ability to retain my kebab deteriorated - I awoke the following morning with a crippling headache - My friends no longer wish to socialise with me as they believe that my attempts to break dance are "rather embarrassing". I believe your company should fill its cans with something a little less damaging to peoples lives. Maybe water or milk could be used as a substitute? Thankfully, I've come through my experience relatively unharmed (except for a graze on my knee from attempting 'the worm'), others may not be as fortunate. I would suggest suitable compensation would be to offer me another 12 cans, this will therefore offer me the opportunity to drink them all again and prove to my friends that I can not make a fool out of myself again. Yours Sincerely Mr. Harris (Cptn)

Classic error of underselling yourself there Captain. The unforseen damage cause by the product, in my opinion, is worthy of compensation to the tune of around £2.6million.

It's only fair.

[captainharris]

Originally Posted by Elmyn Noos Classic error of underselling yourself there Captain. The unforseen damage cause by the product, in my opinion, is worthy of compensation to the tune of around £2.6million. It's only fair.

That was going to be in my second email (should I get a reply)

[Thants]

Originally Posted by madstock Fired off to Net Manufacturers UK.

I look forward to the reply, Mongy.

[Elmyn Noos]

Dear Mister NOOS,
Thank you for your message and your interest in our brand.

We have forwarded your comments to the appropriate department.

Best regards,

Lacoste Customer Service.

I'm impressed indeed that they have "Our clothing causes yobbish behaviour inquiry" department.

[sh#t waffle]

Sent to Swedish Match (makers of Ship Matches - am going to try and get a contact address for Swan Vestas too..)

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have recently become reacquainted with the sheer unadulterated joy of having nicotine coursing through my veins. However my delight at this, and the knowledge that I look extremely attractive and, dare I say it, edgy, standing outside drinking establishments, has been tempered with the realisation that it is likely to lead me to a premature and more than likely painful death.
I considered writing to the manufacturers of my preferred brand of 'smoke', but feel that the tobacco industry has enough problems to deal with. After much thought, I have come to the conclusion that if I wasn't able to light the cigarette in the first place, I wouldn't be able to get addicted and would therefore live longer and less wheezy. I therefore must insist that your company ceases production of matches, or face the consequences. If you are not willing to close your company, I believe that it would be good PR for you to agree to pay any medical expenses I may incur. As a good will gesture, perhaps you could also recompense me for any expenditure on winter clothing bought predominantly so I can stand outside and use your products? Indeed, perhaps a one off payment would suffice? Say £2.6 million.
I don't want this to feel like your company is being victimised. I am preparing similar ultimatums for your rivals, plus all lighter manufacturers. I also intend to write to the major Gas Oven manufacturers. Indeed, I may even extend the remit to include the gas companies themselves. I intend to blow (pardon the pun) this whole fiery death chain wide open.
Thank you very much for your time. I realise it is precious, but probably not as precious as mine if I continue to use your products.

Regards,

[Elmyn Noos]

heh heh heh. You can imagine the reaction in Customer Services..

"err..Mr. Smurthwaite, I've just had this email from a Mr. Waffle threatening to sue us for his smoking habit. He's asking for in excess of £2million in damages"

"Oh shit. Better pay up"