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Beer troubleshooting guide
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet
CAUSE:
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
SYMPTOM:
Feet warm and wet
CAUSE:
Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
SYMPTOM:
Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE:
a. Glass empty.
b You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Get someone to buy you another beer
SYMPTOM:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE:
You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Have yourself leashed to bar
SYMPTOM:
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE:
You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
See above
SYMPTOM:
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE:
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
SYMPTOM:
Floor Blurred
CAUSE:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Get someone to buy you another beer
SYMPTOM:
Floor moving
CAUSE:
You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar
SYMPTOM:
Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE:
Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door Run
SYMPTOM:
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
SYMPTOM:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE:
You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Fall on someone cushy-looking
SYMPTOM:
Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE:
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Punch him
SYMPTOM:
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE:
You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
SYMPTOM:
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE:
You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
SYMPTOM:
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
CAUSE:
You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
See if they have free beer
SYMPTOM:
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE:
a. You're in jail.
b. You're in the Army.
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
SYMPTOM:
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE:
You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
SYMPTOM:
Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE:
The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Have more beer until your voice improves
SYMPTOM:
Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE:
Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION:
Play air guitar
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