official investigation into higher force

[Bob Spunkmouse]

According to DangerHere sources close to Pope Benedict, the Vatican has begun a secret investigation into the strange happenings in the Ataturk Stadium in Istanbul last Wednesday.

Apparently, the Pope himself has taken a special interest and is keen to ascertain whether this was indeed a bona fide miracle – the first of his ministry. The investigation will proceed under the articles of the Causes of Saints and Miraculous Happenings – as set down in the 1917 Code of Canon Law.

Traditionally, the Catholic hierarchy has been slow to pronounce on such issues. However, the events of last week have defied the analysis of even the greatest football pundits, and some now wonder whether a power – even higher than UEFA – may have played a part in Liverpool’s astounding Lazurus like resurrection.

Should the Vatican investigators officially pronounce the Merseymen’s result a miracle, it will be the first time that the hierarchy have confirmed the role of the Creator in a major football event since the Hand of God incident between England and Argentina in 1986.

The Papal Order isn’t without controversy. Much of the investigation will centre on Polish keeper Jerzy Dudek’s stunning last minute double save from Ukrainian Adriy Shevchenko. Reports from inside the Vatican suggest a possible schism over that incident – with several Cardinals insisting that had God indeed been involved, he would have certainly held the Ukrainian’s initial header.

Meanwhile, hysteria generated by the unsettling events in Turkey has increased in Dudek’s native Poland – where crowds of people have flocked to pray in front of a damp stain on a Krakow supermarket wall said to resemble the Liverpool custodian.