Arsenal - the day they lost
my mate sent me this, quite good.
It was back in the days when dinosaurs walked the earth.... Huge great lardy things, much like Emile Heskey I guess, that could take your head off at 1000 paces. This was the last time that Arsenal lost a game of football. Everyone across the world, regardless of religion, colour or shoe size knew in their heart of hearts that such a thing could never happen again. Or could it...
Sunday October 24th, in the year of our lord 2004, at the theatre of screams - better known as Cold Trafford - Arsenal, the greatest football team ever in the whole wide world full and chips, were cheated by a guy known only to his friends as Old Mother Riley. Across the world clocks stopped ticking, ships sunk, planes fell from the sky and Ian Dowie successfully chatted up a woman. These were the incredible events that mean nothing when you consider this momentous event.
World leaders spoke out...
The Queen; "My husband and I declare this day to be a public holiday forever."
Nelson Mandela; "It puts all that I tried to achieve into context."
George Dubya Bush; "Can I have cream cheese on my toasties?"
Tony Blair; "This is a sad day for us all. I have half a mind, no really I do, and I am going to use it this time. I think I will send the troops in. They will all be home for Christmas."
Michael Howard; "Arsenal never lost under the Conservatives. If elected into power we shall pass a law forbidding it from ever happening again, and we wont allow any Johnny Foreigners in either, not unless they are French and Arsehole Whinger says it is OK for us to do it."
Charles Kennedy; "What time does the Off License open?"
Sunday October 24th will forever go down in history as one of those days when you remember where you were when you heard the news. Arsenal were cheated, picked upon, singled out. The team that gave us Dennis 'But I don't like Hairyplanes' Bergkamp, Robert 'Whoooops looks like I fell over again' Pires and Jans 'What do you mean catch it' Lehman, took it like real men. When faced with such adversity you see the fighting spirit shine through. As they quietly left the pitch, shaking hands with their Manchester United colleagues and saying well done chaps, Pat Rice (who is to football coaching what Steptoe was to scrap) sneaked off to Iceland and bought some Pizzas. Even then, as the pizzas flew through the air, bits of snail and garlic dripping from them, those moaning Manchester United types were ready to complain. Just why they could not take their victory in the same honourable way that Arsenal took their defeat is a mystery to us all.
Roy Keane had his legs sawn off by a contrite Patrick Vierra. "I did not see anything," said Arsehole Whinger later, "I was eating my soup and pizza before my nap, and all I know is that that selfish Keane got blood in my cream of truffle. I bet the FA do nothing about it, they have a vendetta against us."
The newspapers hardly mentioned the event. The Sun did a 4000 page pull out on it, the Mirror a colour supplement while the Star only had 15 naked women on the cover of its London editions as a mark of respect. The BBC cancelled all its programmes for 72 hours, and flags were lowered to half mast across the world. Despite all this Arsehole Whinger took it in his stride. "I do not want to make a big thing about it," he said, "I am writing a book on the matter though, and Stephen Spielberg is making a movie. ET will be playing me, he talks as much sense as me and has the same rugged good looks."
I could go on, but it would be unfair. Arsenal refused to go on and on and on and on and on about it, so why should I? Whinger was honest as always complaining about Rooney's dive in the same outspoken way he did when Pires did a dying swallow impression to cheat Portsmouth out of three points last season at the Library. That's what makes Whinger stand out as such a top coach. He always says it as it is......
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