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REWRITING THE GAME'S SCRIPT
Brian Reade 21/07/2007 - Mirror

AS THE saga over Carlos "Carlito" Tevez reaches epic proportions, news reaches us that Al Pacino has persuaded Brian de Palma to turn the tale into a sequel to their 1993 gangster classic.

Thanks to a Hollywood insider (OK he hands out the shoes in Hollywood Bowl) we can bring you an exclusive extract from the movie which is due for release as soon as FIFA work out which meat wholesalers own the rights to Carlito.

CARLITO'S WAY II (CERT X. Contains strong language, violence and scenes of naked greed)
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SCENE ONE (The backroom of a South American lap dance bar. Two men in black pin-striped suits, shades and spats chop cocaine and count money)

JOSE: Ever thought of getting out of this game?

JUAN: How you mean?

JOSE: Making some decent dinero.

JUAN: What's wrong with whores, drugs, money scams and kidnapping?

JOSE: You heard about the Yankees buying up English football? The place is gushing with greenbacks. That's the future, amigo.

JUAN: You bustin' my cojones? You wanna kidnap a football club now?

JOSE: No. Make the best South American players offers they can't refuse, take 'em to England and make their chairmen offers they can't resist. Comprendi?

JUAN: Nah. I'll stick to kidnapping, grooming whores and money laundering.

JOSE: But that's what we'll be doin' stoopid ass. Believe me, amigo, there's a lot of dinero in footballers and if we don't get in there soon someone else could beat us to it.

JUAN: (Thinks) Hmm. Explain that offside rule to me again.

SCENE TWO (Two years later. A London courtroom. Kia Joorabchian in the dock. Sean Bean prosecuting, Eggert Magnusson defending, Richard Scudamore the judge)

BEAN: (Showing off his Blades tattoo) See that, that's my bloody life that is, and it's t'same for thousands like me. And that bloody Argie has taken it from us. Our demands are small. Our motives pure. Kick West Ham out of Premiership and gi' us fifty million quid.

EGGERT: M'lud this is ridiculous. That £5million fine was suitable punishment. It hurt so much we could only afford to pay £15m for Craig Bellamy and Scott Parker and put them on £70,000 a week.

SCUDAMORE: (Sighing) Can't we all just be friends and make lots of money?

BEAN: There's more at stake than money. There's pride. (Shows tattoo again) Yorkshire's been slighted. We demand revenge. Relegate t'Cockneys.

SCUDAMORE: Look, can I say I loved you in Sharpe, but, well West Ham are a big club. So helping you is more than my job's worth.

BEAN: But t'contract were mad. Where was the Sanity Clause?

SCUDAMORE: Mr Joorabchian, what about a Sanity Clause?

KIA: (Laughing) Hey, your honour. I no believe in Sanity Clause.

BEAN: What DO you believe in?

KIA: In taking poor boys from South American slums and liberating their talents.

BEAN: Liberatin' our millions more like.

KIA: Your honour, the only millions I care about are the millions of children my clients bring joy to.

BEAN: This is rubbish. We're off t'European Court o' Human Rights. (Kia winks up at the public gallery where Sir Alex Ferguson sits, rubbing his hands and grinning)

SCENE THREE (Manchester United's dressing room after the last game of the 2007-08 season. They've won the league by 12 points, but news has just arrived from Strasbourg that they are to be docked 13 points for fielding an illegible player and infringing other clubs' human rights, thus handing Liverpool their first title in 18 years)

FERGIE: (Kicks a boot at Carlito which cuts his eye) Bastard......

CARLITO: That will leave a nasty scar.

FERGIE: It'll match yer f****** neck then.

CARLITO: Why are you so cruel?

FERGIE: 'Cos you've just given the f****** Premiership to those f****** Scousers.

CARLITO: But I scored you 23 goals.

FERGIE: That's nae f****** use to me now is it. (Turning on Gary Neville) It's your fault, too, Dot f****** Cotton.

CARLITO: (Weeping) This is mucho upsetting.

FERGIE: Don't you f****** cry for me Argen-f******-tina.

FERGIE: (Shouting) Any of youse leak this minor tiff tae the f****** press and youse are deid men.

SCENE FOUR (Two weeks later at the Bernabeu Stadium. Carlito holds up a Real Madrid scarf. In the background a man in shades hands a briefcase to Kia)

CARLITO: (Reading from a piece of paper) This is my spiritual home. I want to spend the rest of my life here.

SCENE FIVE (Carlito and Kia in limo heading back to hotel. Kia counts out cash from briefcase. His phone rings)

KIA: Ah, Mr Berlusconi. Have you had a chance to think over my offer. (Carlito tugs at his sleeve and Kia hands him some sweets) Indeed, it is one you can't refuse. (Carlito tugs again and Kia gives him a crayoning book) Yes, full rights. (Carlito tugs again and Kia hands him crayons) You would own him the way you own your son. (Carlito smiles and starts colouring giraffes) Splendid choice Mr Berlusconi. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. (Turns mobile off) Change of plan driver. Take us to the airport. Carlito, ever heard of Milan?