[sir roger]

Sunny Beach is fine now & you'll enjoy yourself , but I went with the missus 20 years ago & walked into the weirdest holiday I have ever been on.

We got to the airport at Varna , & whereas you just get waved through passport control in 2 seconds in Spain by a bored fat bastard , the guy stared at the missus and back to her passport for about 20 minutes. He only let us through when there was a commotion behind us & a guy we had been talking to on the plane was lying face down with a policemans boot on his head and a machine gun pointed at him. The guy turned up at our hotel 2 days later & it turned out he had been setting up a rifle-range at an amusement arcade & the customs had thought he was a gold smuggler because of the fake tokens he was carrying !!
We got on the coach and a police inspector got on & warned in very severe terms about changing the currency ( levs ) on the black market. After he got off , we literally went 20 yards around the corner & the rep let a black market scamster on the coach who proceeded to give us 4 times the normal rate for our sterling.

I spent the first 3 days bathing in the sea & began to get suspicious as I seemed to be the only person doing this. Upon asking a local why this was , he waved a dismissive arm towards the horizon & said 'Chernobyl'.

I started going in the pool after that and was immediately aware of suntan lotion being smeared on my back . I was surprised the missus could be arsed as she normally couldn't & then shit myself when a male voice whispered in my ear about liking my swimming trunks. The lifeguard had his eye on my speedos & as he put it succinctly ' I fuck many girls in your speedos' . I ended up handing them to him at the end of the holiday & have never seen such tearful gratitude from anybody since.

Every time we came out of the hotel in any decent clothes we attracted a crowd of locals who kept following us and touching our duds . I spent the fortnight like the Pied Piper of Hamelins reincarnation.

The ice cream man was the Mr Big of the currency racket & you basically gave him a tenner for an ice cream & he shoved 40 levs in the cornet.
The restaurant service & food was abominable & we ended up living on Chicken & Chips from 'Chicken Georges' shack on the beach.
The missus wondered why her sunbed was shaded one day , looked up & saw a well hung local gigolo smiling at her. Unfortunately the yellow trunks he wore & the green tinge within made it quite obvious that a courgette was involved. I hoped it was a Spinal Tap in-joke but suspect not.

As I say Tom , I believe it is a very decent place to visit these days , but we still laugh about Sunny Beach to this day & ' I fuck many girls in your speedos' is still a catch phrase amongst my mates.