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The following is an extract from 'The King's Last Stand'. It is a light hearted round up of the week's Premier League games not involving the Reds. As well as featuring a match report from every LFC game during the 2011-12 season, the book also includes a round up such as this one for each weekend of the Premier League campaign. This was from the weekend of 5-6 November 2011...

 

 

 

 

"Jesus Christ, I thought the Motson tribute the other week was nauseating, but congratulations BBC you've outdone yourself. The Ferguson cock munching this weekend was hideous and capped off another shit weekend for LFC fans. And what the fuck was he doing on the pitch with a microphone, the attention seeking arl bastard. The Mancs named a stand after him, but he reckons he had no idea that's what was happening. Yeah right, so why was your nose going a deeper shade of purple with each and every filthy lying word that came slurring out of your mouth? And shove that false modesty up your wrinkly old hoop, Taggert. Fuck him and his 25 years, at least we can take comfort that there won't be 25 more.

The game had a testimonial feel to it, as a load of his old boys returned to pay their respects. He couldn't have hand picked a better opponent for his big day than Steve Bruce and his band of United rejects. Hernandez was guilty of a blatant dive to try and win a penalty early on. Must have learned that from Suarez, eh Alex? Astonishingly that moron Lee Mason didn't point to the spot. Still, you don't need favours from refs when you've got so many loyal foot soldiers in the opposing ranks. Sunderland were about to go in to the break all square until Wes Brown took matters into his own hands by planting a great header past his own keeper.

The Mackems offered virtually nothing in attack but it looked like they'd been handed a lifeline when the linesman spotted an arm go up and handle the ball. The arm belonged to a Sunderland player, but clearly the linesman didn't know that as he flagged for a pen. Mason didn't know either, but after a quick conversation with the lino they reversed the decision. No doubt that conversation went a little like this:

Lino: "Yeah, his hand went up and deflected the cross, it's a pen"
Mason: "But it's Alex's big day, we can't spoil the party, we'll never be invited back. You know what happened to every other official that upset him."
Lino: "Yeah, you're right. Best to just ignore me."

Of course it wasn't a penalty, but neither of them knew that so how did they come to the decision to reverse it? I'd love to know, but we never will.

The other Mancs were also in Saturday action, taking on QPR at Loftus Road. It had rout written all over it, but surprisingly Neil Warnock's side actually gave it a right good go and were unlucky to lose. Bothroyd put them in front, Helguson almost made it 2-0 and then Bothroyd hit the post as QPR dominated. Predictably City came back into it and Dzeko equalised. Silva put City in front after a wonderful first touch set him up for an easy finish, but Helguson equalised after a header by Bothroyd hit him on the back as he stood on the goal-line. City wanted offside, but one of their defenders was playing him on and the linesman was correct.

City won it with a header by Yaya Toure, but Helguson hit the post late on and QPR will feel a little hard done by not to have come out of this with a point as they were excellent. I'm actually glad City won, but that depresses me. I'm fed up of having to root for other teams just because we aren't good enough to stop United winning the title. It's been going on for far too long, and I wish I didn't have to do it. I don't want to root for City to win games, just as I didn't want to be rooting for Chelsea and Arsenal in previous years. As it stands though, the only thing that will stop United pulling further ahead of us in terms of titles is City. I wish it wasn't the case, but it is. So whilst I'm not going to sing Blue Moon or put my arm around the missus and turn our backs to the TV whilst jumping up and down like dickheads, I am going to hope City win every game except when they are playing us. I'm not proud of it, but needs must.

Having said all that, if City keep sending the moonfaced bore David Platt out to do the post match interviews I may have to have a rethink on that. I know it was after 10pm, but seriously, some warning of what was about to come would have been nice. He's like a giant helium balloon with a face drawn on it. He shouldn't be on MOTD, he should be 'In the Night Garden' with the rest of the 'Haahoos' (one for those of you with little kids there).

'In the Night Garden' is actually Gabby Agbonlahor's favourite TV show. Not a lot of people know that, but he loves it, bless him. He loves to run around the training ground pretending to be Iggle Piggle. Which brings me nicely to Aston Villa v Norwich (I believe that's whats known in the writing game as a perfect seguet). Pilkington put the Canaries in front with a brilliant free-kick. He reminds me of Beckham the way he strikes a ball, his crossing and shooting have really caught the eye this season (except that shot when he was clean through at Old Trafford, the shithouse).

Bent equalised following a brilliant cross by Agbonlahor although Norwich were furious that a handball by Warnock hadn't been spotted by the ref. Agbonlahor's persistence put Villa in front when he latched onto Barnett's awful backpass to beat Ruddy, and Bent made it 3-1 with a tap in from another Agbonlahor cross. Norwich kept going though and pulled one back through Morrison who headed in a superb cross by Holt, but Villa held on for the win. The brummies seem to be totally reliant on Agbonlahor at the moment, he really is in fine form. I thought N'Zogbia would be a great signing for them but he's been shite up to now. Surprising that as I think he's a good player. As for Norwich, they need to tighten up at the back or they will undo all the good work they're doing at the other end.

Chelsea were looking to bounce back from last week's humbling by Arsenal and they just about overcame plucky Blackburn. Yakubu missed a sitter early doors and almost smashed Cech's face in in the process. The keeper ended up with plugs up both nostrils, which in tandem with his headguard made him look even more 'special' than usual. Reminded me of when Black Adder was trying to convince people he was round the bend so he could get discharged from the Army. The only goal of the game came from a Lampard diving header, which apparently measured 3.5 on the richter scale and could be felt as far away as Preston. Is it still ok to still make fat jokes about Lampard? No-one seems to do it these days, probably because he's about as far from being overweight as John Terry is to being likeable. That just makes it even funnier though I reckon. The fat fuck. Yakubu and Frank Lampard were in the player's lounge afterwards. Frank says; "Your round". The Yak replies "Look who's talking, you fat twat."

Blackburn had several great chances but couldn't score, and Chelsea should have made it safe at the end but Torres embarrassingly missed from a couple of yards. He's back to looking shite again after briefly threatening to get his form back. The pass he played in the build up to that chance was brutal too. His form is more up and down than John Terry on a team-mates missus. Blackburn fans were banned from taking banners into the ground because of all the 'Kean out' stuff, so they hired a plane to fly overhead instead. Kean should hire his own plane saying "fuck you, losers" with a big picture of him giving it the middle finger. Or I guess he can just keep losing games whilst taking a good wedge, that works too.

Speaking of losers, Roy took his Baggies to the Emirates to face 'the Arsenal'. Why do people insist on putting a 'the' in front of Arsenal? They may as well walk around with a sticker on their forehead that says "Hey everyone, look at me, I'm a bad tit". Van Persie scored the first and then made the second for Vermailen and the third for legohead Arteta. Arsenal will still drop points fairly regularly, but they're over their terrible start and Van Persie is as good as anyone in the league right now. Hodgson said afterwards "With 'the Arsenal' in their current mood and current form, they were obviously able to play on that and relax, and I thought they could have made life more difficult for us than they actually made it." 'The Arsenal' eh? I'm saying nothing. Maybe Roy should do likewise, especially if that was the kind of thing he was saying to his players before the game. Jesus, talk about beaten before you even start.

Meanwhile, 'unbeaten Newcastle' won again. Not good for us, but at least it was the blueshite they turned over this week. They took the lead when Heitinga turned a right wing cross into his own net, and the blues fell further behind when Ryan Taylor scored a screamer from 25 yards. His second Premier League goal of the season, which is the same as Carroll and one more than Torres I believe. The commentator said Newcastle are one of Saha's former clubs. When was that then? I've actually got no recollection of that whatsoever, although I'm not doubting the commentator's accuracy. If Saha was at Newcastle he can't have made much of an impact there. Probably spent most of his time injured, just like he has everywhere else he's been.

Everton had poppies on their shirts. Red poppies. Is it wrong that I'm shocked by that? I'm surprised they didn't insist on wearing blue ones, as that's how they usually roll, the bitter bastards. Taylor pointed out afterwards that the goal was extra special for him as it was against Everton and he grew up a Liverpool fan. I love these little human interest stories, it's always nice to see players score against sides they hated when they were kids, and I'd never begrudge a player that kind of special moment. Good lad Ryan, well done son.

Onto Sunday's games now, and that blueshite twat Jon Walters and his Stoke side got their arses handed to them by lowly Bolton. Nothing has gone right for him since he embarrassed himself on MOTD, gloating about being an Evertonian scoring the winner against the Reds. Spiteful, petty bastard, I hate that sort of cringeworthy shite.

I'm made up Stoke got battered, I'd happily see them relegated even though it's extremely unlikely. They just can't cope with the demands of playing in Europe in midweek and then having to play again on the Sunday. It's killing them. It's funny really, as we always hear about how difficult it is to compete on two fronts, but I've never really taken it that seriously as most of the big clubs seem to manage just fine. It's completely new to Stoke though and they're floundering badly. Good, the pitch shrinking, alehouse bastards.

Bolton's opener was hilarious. Howard Webb decided that Whelan's sliced clearance was in fact a backpass, and whilst Stoke were arguing about it Klasnic ripped the ball out of the keeper's hands and teed it up for Davies to tap it in. Stoke were furious, but Webb was having none of it and allowed the goal to stand. I just think it's funny cos it's Stoke. Chris Eagles made it 2-0 with a brilliant strike with his left foot. Good player him, not Premier League good, but in the Championship he'd comfortably be the best player in the division. He may get to prove it next season too, as despite this win I'm not buying into Bolton one little bit.

Eagles added another nice goal and Klasnic bagged a couple as well. He's a proper goalscorer that Klasnic, I like him a lot. Always in the right place at the right time and he's a good finisher. It could easily have been seven or eight in the end as Stoke really shit the bed in this one. Fair play to Pulis who refused to complain about the opening goal and instead pointed out how bad his team were. Took me by surprise that did.

Spurs went to Craven Cottage without the convalescing Harry Redknapp, meaning assistant Kevin Bond was in charge, the horrible spitting twat. Younger readers won't remember, but back in the 80s when he was playing for Southampton, he grebbed in Paul Walsh's face during a game at the Dell. Walsh wiped the spit away, followed him downfield and then laid him out with a stunning right hook to the face. It was beautiful, but it earned Walshy a three game suspension from what I remember. He'd get three years in Walton nick if he did it now, as football has gone too soft. The worst thing for Bond was he had to come and play at Anfield a few days later sporting a massive shiner. At full time, a fan ran on from the Kemlyn and laid him out again. Bond looked like a fucking panda afterwards. Those were the days, imagine someone running on and decking John Terry now? If only.

Anyway, Spurs somehow managed to get three points despite being pummelled by Fulham for most of the second half. Brad Friedel was sensational and Fulham were also denied a blatant pen when they were only trailing 2-1. Bale had scored the first and then did his dancing chimp routine again. Lennon added the second, a superb solo goal the kind of which he really should be doing much more frequently, but doesn't because he's actually a bit poo. Fulham pulled one back and then laid siege to Friedel's goal but got no luck at all, and Defoe wrapped it up with the aid of a huge deflection in stoppage time. Spurs probably should have had a pen of their own to be fair when Parker was bundled over by Sidwell. Tottenham are getting right on my tits at the moment I have to admit. Can't they go back to being the likeable losers they've always been?

Finally, Wigan went to the Black Country to face Wolves. I watched the entire game believe it or not. I think this might be the first full game I've seen all season that didn't involve LFC. I could be wrong on that though as my memory is diminishing faster than John Terry's talent. I enjoyed this game, it was pretty open as...well... Wigan were playing so it's hardly going to be anything else is it. They aren't capable of playing it cagey as they're abysmal at the back. There was a 30 second spell that was just Wigan in a nutshell. Some lovely football saw them carve Wolves open but Rodallega inexplicably put the ball wide. Wolves went right up the other end and scored after Alcaraz was turned inside out by Doyle and O'Hara put the ball in the net. That's who they are.

I wrote a few weeks back that Bolton's Paul Robinson is the worst player in the Premier League not named Tony Hibbert. Well I'm having a rethink, as Alcaraz is a complete train wreck. Every goal Wigan concede, he seems to be right at the heart of it. He's slow and error prone, yet he's the captain. He also spat at a Wolves player, the dirty snide bastard. Where's Paul Walsh when you need him, eh?

Another observation from this game, maybe Di Santo isn't quite as crap as I've been saying. He's not good by any means, he's scored five goals in 66 games in English football, and at least three of those were deflected!! You know what he is though? He's the white Ngog. Watch him play, the resemblance in style is uncanny. The similarities are there, but the one big difference is that Ngog can put the ball in the net, this chump can't. Unless it goes in off a defender's arse, obviously.

Oh, and Steven Hunt, lose the alice band, son. You lost your hairband privileges when you cut your hair, so let it go. It's like when Fabregas used to wear one despite having a short back and sides. Pisses me right off. You have to earn the right to wear a hairband, and you earn it by, ya know, growing your hair. At least Hunt used to have long hair, so I guess he's just having trouble coming to terms with his shit new look. Fabregas though, what was that all about? Him sporting a hairband was the equivalent of some shitkicker strutting around in an Augusta 'Green Jacket' having never picked up a golf club, let alone won the Masters. That shit just ain't right.



 

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