An action packed weekend at the top and bottom of the table.  The mancs kicked things off against in-form Spurs, and the North Londoner’s good run came to a predictably shuddering halt as the mancs were awarded two penalties in a 3-1 win.  I know, I was shocked too.  Have to point the finger at good old ‘Arry, who moved his left back to the right (who then gave away a pen), and his in form left winger back to full back.  He then ‘corrected’ it by putting a central midfielder at right back (who also gave away a pen).  T’riffic that ‘Arry.

Thankfully Chelsea responded to the manc’s victory by putting seven past Stoke the next day., It could easily have been ten, they were rampant.  They struggled initially though, and kept launching it towards Robert Huth in the opposing penalty area.  Old habits die hard I guess.  When the penny eventually dropped that Huth was playing for Stoke, they settled down to play some devastating stuff.

Stoke weren’t helped by an injury to Thomas Sorensen, who was carried off after two footed lunge by Kalou, which not only resulted in the third goal but may also have ruled Sorensen out of the World Cup.  How bad must Stoke have been to allow Kalou to get three goals though?  The worst frontman to bag a hat-trick since Kevin Lisbie did it against us (disclaimer:  the above statement was made on the assumption that Ryan Babel has never managed a hat-trick).

And congratulations to Daniel Sturridge for the shittest goal celebration of the season.  Seriously lad, what the fuck was that?  No wonder you hardly ever get to play, you’d be an embarrassment to your club if you played for anyone else but Chelsea.  They have plastic flags, Suggs, John Terry and no shame.  They probably loved it, sad cunts.

Chelsea’s FA Cup final opponents Portsmouth came back from 2-0 down to gain a credible draw with Bolton.  Got to give their players a lot of credit, they haven’t thrown the towel in at all, and even with a cup final to look forward to they’re still putting a shift in at 2-0 down in a meaningless game at the Reebok.  They’re probably the fastest team in the league, they’ve got some scary pace in their side with the likes of Dindane, Bel Hadj, Piquionne, Utaka, Owusu-Abeyie and erm…. Kanu.

Wolves picked up a point against Blackburn thanks to Sylvain Ebanks-Blake’s late goal, which was only his 2nd of the season.  Shite that.  I thought he’d do alright this year, he’s not a bad player I reckon, but I may be biased as despite being a former Man Utd player he’s actually a big red.  Wolves have only played one up front all season so he’s hardy had a look in, but if he goes back to the Championship he’ll score a shitload.  He’s like Rob Earnshaw but with a whole lot more junk in his trunk and minus the weird alien head.

West Ham beat Wigan to secure their Premiership survival.  Pleased for Zola, and also Scott Parker.  He’s a credit to his club that lad, you could see how much it meant to him with his ‘Marco Tardelli’ style celebration.  Seeing him pick Zola up and hug him was nice too, like a joyful dad who hadn’t seen his little boy for ages.  Heart warming stuff.

‘Kirky’ got accidentally kicked in the face by Carlton Cole.  The words ‘accident’ and Chris Kirkland are no strangers to each other are they?  The poor lad is the most accident prone keeper I’ve ever seen.  He lives by me, I often see him in my local Morrisons, out shopping with his wife and little girl.  I usually get myself as far away from him as possible, in case a shelf falls down on him or something.  Can’t be too careful.

Hull are as good as down after losing at home to Sunderland.  Darren Bent scored again, and kept his tongue in this time.  Must be reading this column.  His celebration still made me want to chin him though, not sure why.  Could be that I just don’t like him, or it might be because that fucking Frazer Campbell was there on the scene.  Gobshite.

Hull had their chances, and missed a penalty in the 1st half when Jimmy Bullard hit the post.  Apparently Hull fans booed him after that and he was subbed at half time.  How fucking dare you boo Jimmy, you bunch of inbred knuckle draggers.  He’s the best player you have by a country mile, and he’s way too good to be wasting his career at your shit club.  Give the man the respect he deserves.  That’s Jimmy fucking Bullard for God’s sake.  Damn.

Funny moment in that game when Mendy took a free-kick to himself.  Just knocked the ball forward and ran after it and crossed it into the box.  Class.  Reminded me of that Brazil/Zaire free-kick incident in the 1978 world cup.  Mendy’s lack of understanding of the rules of the game was so impressive that Keith Hackett has begun trying to recruit him for next season.

Afterwards Hull’s chairman hinted at bringing Phil Brown back off gardening leave for next season.  George Boeteng obviously got wind of it, and went looking for the nearest BBC camera so he could vent some spleen about his former boss. He absolutely slated him, so much so that I almost felt sorry for Brown.  Then I remembered him with the microphone singing on the pitch on the last day of last season when they’d stayed up by the skin of their teeth. Hard to feel sorry for a man that deemed that a good idea.

No way would Hull’s players tolerate him being brought back.  I’d love it though, it’d be funny and no more than those ‘Jimmy Bullard hatin’ morons deserve.  The main talking point of the game was the double sending off.  Altidore went for head butting Alan Hutton, and Hutton went for… actually does anyone know why?   One of the most ridiculous red cards I’ve ever seen, and surely it will get overturned.  Although given who Sunderland play next, maybe not.

The Midlands derby looked like a tasty affair.  No love lost between these two sides, and Birmingham will have been desperate to scupper Villa’s top four hopes.  There were plenty of chances and some really good goalkeeping from Hart and Friedel.  It was settled by a hotly disputed penalty when Roger Johnson was adjudged to have tripped Agbonlahor.  Birmingham’s players went fucking berserk, McLeish let the ref have it at full time and Johnson slaughtered him on MOTD.

O’Neill said he doesn’t see what the fuss is about, as it was a definite penalty.  Difficult one to call I reckon.  Johnson got the ball, but he played it in the direction the Villa player was running, and it looked like a pen in real time.  On first viewing I reckon most refs would have given that, but Birmingham were furious and you can understand why as it was a local derby and they really hate Villa.

Villa got screwed by refs against the mancs and Chelsea in games at Wembley this season, so they’ll feel they deserved a bit of luck.  Birmingham just have to accept that they don’t play by the same set of rules that the mancs and Chelsea do.

Everton’s great home record continued as they came back to beat Fulham with a stoppage time pen.  It was a stupid foul to concede, Chris Baird just kicked Cahill as hard as he could in the stomach.  In Baird’s defence, he probably felt it was worth it, and it’s tough to argue.  Of course it would be better to do it in the first minute than the last, but you just have to take the opportunity whenever it arrives.  You know it will probably cost you the game, yet at the same time you’re thinking “but it’s Tim Cahill, and you never know, Schwarzer might save the pen.  Fuck it, I’m going for it”.  You’d need a will of iron to be able to resist that temptation.

Arsenal v City promised much but delivered absolutely fuck all.  Watching the ‘highlights’ of this on MOTD, it looked to me like Arsenal were trying to win it and City were trying to stop them.  This despite Arsenal not really having much to play for and City battling for a place in the top four.  Mancini can be a right negative bastard when he wants to be can’t he?  And for the last time, lose that fucking scarf, you tit.

Adebayor got dog’s abuse, and rightly so after his antics in the corresponding fixture earlier this season.  Wenger had appealed to the Arsenal fans to show Adebayor some respect.  When asked about it afterwards he smirked ‘they don’t always do what I ask’.  Pretty funny to be fair.

City now have a problem with their keeper though, as Given popped a shoulder and was stretchered off in agony.  Like Thomas Sorensen, he might now miss the World Cup too unfortunately.  Oh, hang on….