Congratulations to Spain, just about worthy Champions I’d say even though Germany ran them very close as the best team of the tournament.  The final was far from being a classic, as Holland adopted a 1970’s Leeds United roughhouse approach to the game and killed it as a spectacle.  Total Football eh?  File that one away with ‘School of Science’ in the ‘ha, don’t make me laugh’ section.

But before I get to the final, let’s rewind to where we left off last time, just ahead of the semi’s.

The opening semi got under way with surprise package Uruguay taking on the slightly less surprise package of Holland.  The South Americans were without star keeper Luis Suarez and were also missing commanding skipper and the maniacal Diego Lugano, but at least Lugano’s fellow central defender Diego Godin was back.  

I was rooting for Uruguay in this one, as I’ve been saying since the start I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for them, and they’ve brought a lot to this tournament.  Forlan has been great to watch too, his movement and awareness have been second to none, such an intelligent player.

Holland’s anthem is really shit.  It sounds like a christmas carol, Little Child of Bethlehem or something, it’s seriously fucking crap.  If I was head of Fifa, not only would I bring in that rule I’ve talked about whereby handball on the line results in an automatic goal, I’d also ensure that every international side had to choose between either the Italian, French or American National Anthem.

Actually, Chile can keep theirs, as it’s not bad and they really seem to love it (who can forget the way Zamorano used to belt it out back in the day).  Everyone else has to choose between the three I mentioned, except Scotland, who would have “I’m on my way” by the Proclaimers.

Holland took the lead with a fantastic goal by Van Bronckhorst.  I don’t mind him, he’s a good pro and is a lot more likeable than most of his teammates.  Forlan responded with a brilliant strike of his own, this time with his left foot.  He has to be the most two footed player in the tournament and no-one has mastered that jabulani ball as well as him.  Class act, great player, great pro, and I’d give anything to see him lining up alongside Torres at Anfield next season, and I’d happily sacrifice the unhappy Mascherano to raise the dough.  Go get him Roy, you know it makes sense.

Holland’s second goal was a bit contentious.  Technically offside, but more often than not you’ve got no chance of getting that decision.  The third goal was a cracker to be fair, a stunning header from that odious little turd Robben.  As usual, he was diving all over the place and screaming any time there was any kind of contact.  Greedy bastard too.  So is Van Persie.  Knobheads.

Van Bommel is a nasty piece of work as well.  You have to hand it to him though, he’s brilliant at what he does, he leaves his foot in on people but always makes it look like an accident.  It’s usually only on the replays you can see what a snidey challenge it was.  He gets away with murder, he’s got it down to a fine art.

Uruguay got a late goal to make it a frantic final minute or two, but couldn’t force extra time and the Dutch booked their place in the final.  I was pretty gutted at the final whistle, far more than I thought I would be. I badly wanted Uruguay to win this, I’ve decided that I really don’t like Holland, far too many twats in their team.  Fuck them.  Shorry Dirk, nothing pershonal.

Onto the shecond shemi, sorry, second semi, and once again a let down in terms of the anthems.  The Germany one is alright, it is what it is, I don’t hate it but it’s a bit downbeat.  Ninety Nine Red Balloons would be a big improvement, something for them to think about maybe.

The Spain Anthem is so bad that not a single player or coach could even bring themselves to sing the fucker (I realise it has no words, but still, if it was a catchy tune at least they could go ‘dum de dum dum’ or something).   Give me Sepp Blatter’s job and I’d have the Spanish players doing the Macarena.  I bet Pepe would thank me for it too, big fun loving legend that he is. By that I mean he loves having fun, not that he loves early 90’s boy band ‘Big Fun’, although he may well do as ‘Blame it on the Boogie’ is an essential addition to any self respecting music lover’s itunes collection.  But I digress.

This was a much anticipated contest between the two best teams in the competition.  Both have been good to watch but in vastly differing ways.  Spain have passed the ball about and kept possession beautifully, but haven’t always had much of a cutting edge.  Germany don’t fuck about, they don’t keep the ball for the sake of keeping it, they just get the ball, and try and score.  The problem against Spain is it’s very hard to get the ball, no matter how good you are.

Nevertheless, Germany were comfortable for the first 45 minutes as Spain just passed it around in front of them without creating anything.  Xabi had a terrible start, even misplacing a couple of passes. I know, unbelievable!!  He was back to his awesome self in the second half though, as Spain took control.  Germany just couldn’t get the ball off them and didn’t get many counter attacking opportunities, which is one of their great strengths.

The Germans really missed Muller I thought, he’s been a revelation and has scored and created goals in every game.  The lad who replaced him has done fuck all any time he’s been on, Trochowski or something.  Germany’s starting line up is seriously good, but their back ups aren’t, and it’s shown whenever they’ve had to call on them.

Spain on the other hand have loads of quality to bring on from the bench.  Not least Fernando Torres, who was left out in favour of Pedro, who can go and fuck himself the greedy little shite.  Nando is desperate for a goal, all his team-mates know how important it is to get him involved, and Pedro could have put one on a plate for him late on.  All he had to do was lay it off to Nando for a certain goal, and the little prick tried to go on his own and blew it.  Greedy little fucking bastard.

Germany tried to mix it up a bit to force an equaliser, and sent on Gomez.  He’s really awful, he doesn’t even look like a footy player.  He looks like a pub landlord.   No, scratch that, he looks like an actor who’d play a pub landlord in a soap.  Plays like one too, he’s fucking shit.  Spain were worthy winners, but it was sad to Germany’s run come to an end as they’ve been the great entertainers of this competition.

Onto the 3rd place playoff.  Bit pointless for the players, aside from those chasing the golden boot, but I love it as it’s an extra game to watch and it’s usually a good one as there’s no pressure on either side.  The more games the better as far as I’m concerned.

Germany had Muller back, and Uruguay had Suarez and Lugano available again.  The first thing I noticed was that Uruguay’s anthem has grown on me, I even found myself humming along to it this time.  I’m thinking maybe I’ll let them join Chile in getting to keep their anthem when I take over from Sepp.

Muller scored again, he’s a real contender for player of the tournament and an absolute shoe in for the young player award.  He looks like a bit of a dope, and has a touch of the Danny Ayala’s about him.  In America he’d be commonly referred to as a ‘pencil necked geek’.  The boy can play though, and had he been available for the semi final then who knows.

Perez has been really good for Uruguay, a real unsung hero.  He’s one of those midfield dogs who just runs around tackling people and keeping things simple.  A poor mans Mascherano if you like.  And has there ever been a more ‘German’ German than Bastian Schweinsteiger?  He is so German looking he could have played in the Nazi XI against Pele, Ardiles, Stallone & John Wark in Escape to Victory.  He’s one hell of a footballer though, does all the dirty work but is a real attacking force as well.  Dare I say it, a rich man’s Mascherano.  Best player in the tournament for me, by some distance in fact.

Forlan bagged another goal, and was within an inch or two of sending this to extra time with a brilliant free-kick right at the death that hit the bar.  I’d have loved that to have gone in, I quite fancied another half hour of it as it was an enjoyable contest.  As I said earlier, Forlan’s mastered shooting with this jabulani ball in a way that nobody else has.  Cavani also scored, and had a decent game.  He’s one of the 364 strikers to have been linked with Spurs this summer, I hope they get him as he’s not crap but not that good.

Speaking of ‘not that good’, Cacau started for Germany in place of Klose. I assume Klose must have been injured, as there’s no way you’d leave him out when he’s trying to become the all time top scorer in the World Cup.  Cacau has looked a bit crap for me, but he’s better than Gomez.  Then again, so is Heskey.  The young lad who came on was alright, Kiessling I think his name was.  Looked a bit like that tit Klinsmann though, which counts against him.

I watched part of that James Corden world cup show afterwards.  I’ve not really watched it up to now, and judging by this I’ve not really missed anything. Andrei Arshavin was on.  Genuine question, is he a little bit slow?  He just spent most of the show grinning like a simpleton.  Like most of the other people in the audience actually.

So, with all that out of the way, onto the final.  Going into it, I wanted Spain to win it for Xabi, Nando and Pepe.    I wasn’t particularly passionate about it, and had they lost it wouldn’t have ruined my night, I could have lived with it as I’d have been pleased for Dirk.  But after about  25 minutes, it wasn’t about wanting Spain to win, it was more a case of badly wanting the Dutch to lose.  Dirty, cynical, game spoiling cunts.

Howard Webb didn’t help matters, by letting them get away with murder. Van Bommel committed about five bookable offences yet once again stayed on the field.  Webb fell into the trap that every other ref has done and let him stay on the field.  Worse than anything Van Bommel did though was De Jong’s karate kick into the chest of Alonso.  He only got a yellow, after discreetly pointing out to Webb that he plays his football in Manchester (the official assumed he meant United and showed leniency.)

It was farcical, the Dutch just wanted to stop Spain at all costs and weren’t interested in playing any football themselves.  Robben’s pace on the break was all they had, and it made for a brutal spectacle, especially the first half.  Webb is taking a lot of heat for it, but much as I’d like to join in with the witch hunt as I can’t stand him, I have to be honest and say that no referee could have handled that game given how the two sets of players conducted themselves.

You had the Dutch kicking lumps out of anything that moved, and you had the Spanish chasing him around waving imaginary yellow cards in his face.  He could and should have sent off Van Bommel and De Jong in the first half, but if he’d done that he’d have been slated for ruining the game as a contest.  It’s the biggest game in football, with the whole world watching, and he will have had that in his mind when making those decisions.

He wanted the game to be a great spectacle, and he did all he could to ensure that was the case.  Unfortunately the Dutch players weren’t interested in how the game looked to neutrals, they just wanted to win by hook or by crook, and as such Webb should have just reffed it like he would a normal game (no, I don’t mean badly).  Ref the game not the occasion.  He didn’t do that, but when it comes to apportioning blame for this poor spectacle, Howard Webb is way down the list of culprits as far as I’m concerned.

Seeing the Dutch kicking off at the end complaining about him was just hugely ironic.  Yeah, they should have had a free-kick in the build up to Spain’s winning goal, but they should also have been down to eight men, the cheeky bastards. Disappointing to hear Dirk saying Webb was biased in favour of Spain too.  Not only is he totally wrong, he just ensured that baldy manc bastard will give us fuck all next season.  Actually, no change there, so no harm done, sorry Dirk, you crack on lad, don’t mind me.

The camera went to Van Persie at the end of the game, and up until then I’d honestly forgotten he was even on the field, a total non-entity.  I remember him committing a bad foul after two minutes, and then he disappeared up his own arse.

It wasn’t the greatest of night’s for Premiership and ex-Premiership players.  Heitinga said he was representing Everton in the final, and he did that in the best possible way by getting sent off.  Van Persie was anonymous, Dirk was rubbish and got subbed, Fabregas came on for Spain and missed a sitter (although he did make amends by setting up the winner), Robben missed two one on ones that would have won the game for his side, De Jong disgraced himself with that assault on Xabi, Van Bronkhorst was subbed, so was Alonso, Torres came on, had some terrible touches and then tore a muscle in the closing seconds.  He looked in agony, but then he was bouncing up and down celebrating as they lifted the trophy.  Knock that shit off and get an ice pack on it soft lad, we’ve got a Europa League qualifier in two weeks.  Priorities son, priorities.

Overall, a decent tournament but not a classic.  Spain didn’t dazzle, but then aside from Chile and to a slightly lesser extent Germany, every side they faced just wanted to shut up shop and stop them playing.  There was far too much cheating and play acting from most of the players, and it really tainted the competition for me.  Spain were one of the worst offenders, with Iniesta the main culprit, that lad came out of the womb waving an imaginary card at the midwife.

I don’t get all the praise he was getting from the BBC pundits afterwards.  He’s a great player, but he didn’t have a great tournament.  He was good, but nothing spectacular.  He wasn’t even Spain’s best player, I’d put Villa, Xavi, Alonso, Puyol, Pique and Casillas all above him, maybe Ramos too.

Player of the Tournament: Schweinsteiger for me.  Forlan won the Golden Ball and I don’t begrudge him it by any means.  I felt Schweinsteiger was the best player in the tournament, but Forlan was definitely top three and I’m happy he was rewarded because he’s one of the few top stars who played the game honestly and in the right spirit.  I noticed it last season when we played Atletico.  He was fouled by Mascherano, and the ref came charging over on the bounce.  Forlan jumped up and told the ref not to book Masch.  You just don’t see that these days, and I’d rather someone like him won an award as opposed to an Iniesta or Robben.  Muller would be the other player in my top three.

Coach of the Tournament: Difficult this.  Bielsa of Chile definitely deserves a mention, their all out attack policy and unusual 3-3-1-3 formation was really refreshing.  I thought Bob Bradley did a good job, although most Americans seem to disagree.  They know more about it than I do, I looked at USA and saw a well organised, hard working side with great team spirit who were punching above their weight.  However, apparently some of his team selections were a bit bizarre, I cant comment as to be fair I know as much about USA squad players as Kevin Prince-Boeteng knows about not being a twat.

Joachim Lowe also deserves a mention, he did a fantastic job with his players and they were great to watch.  Plus he eats his bogeys, whilst on camera, in front of millions and millions of viewers.  Clearly that’s a man who knows how to entertain.  Del Bosque did a decent job, but any good coach worth his salt should have been able to lead that squad to glory, and the Dutch fella blotted his copybook with his strong arm tactics in the final.  So I’m gonna go for Tabarez of Uruguay.

Goal of the Tournament: I liked Tshabilala’s goal on the opening day, Forlan’s free kick was boss, Tevez scored a belter and some of the German goals on the counter attack were class too.  Van Bronckhorst’s strike in the semi final gets my vote though.

Game of the Tournament: There wasn’t a real classic game in this World Cup, but for sheer drama and a grandstand finish, it has to be Ghana / Uruguay.  I enjoyed England v Germany as well to be fair.

Flop of the Tournament: Italy, they were diabolical.  France ran them close though.

Twat of the Tournament: Another difficult one as there are so many to choose from.  Prince-Boeteng made a really good run at it and couldn’t have done any more to win it than he did, Robben was also a worthy contender, there was the Ivory Coast fella who got Kaka sent off, and of course that animal Van Bommel.  Iniesta and Capdevilla didn’t cover themselves in glory with their antics, and you can add half of the French squad to the list of candidates too.  But it has to be John Terry, he has absolutely no equal when it comes to being a complete and utter twat.

Tournament Whoppers XI: Mucha (Slovakia); Pepe (Portugal), Lucio (Brazil), Terry (England), Evra (France); Ribery (France), Van Bommel  (Holland), Prince-Boeteng (Ghana), Robben (Holland); Ronaldo (Portugal), Bendtner (Denmark):

Squad of Tournament: GK Casillas, Kingson, Benaglio: D  Perreira, Lahm, Coentrão, Salcido, Freidrich, Lugano, Puyol, Lucio:  M  Perez, Alonso, Khedira, Schweinsteiger, Sneijder, Xavi, Muller, Ozil: F  Villa, Forlan, Klose, Messi.